Forlorn Butterfly
Who am i kidding? I just miss you.I shouldn't, but i do...
I miss having you in my life.
I miss you making me laugh.
I miss telling you about my day.
I miss thinking of witty anecdotes to keep you amused.
I miss loving you.
i shouldn't though. So much anger... so much hurt.... and in these moments of vulnerability and solitude, when the guilt of the thesis lessens, for those minute moments... i miss you...
I don't want to sit here analysing what that says about me, and why i should miss someone who doesn't love me. or even if he does love me, he's got enough emotional baggage to be unable to show it to me.
Will you hate me for kicking you out of my life?
Will you hate that i've deleted you from my chat programs, and my mobile?
Will you hate that I won't even go to class for the last few weeks so i won't have to deal with having to watch you avoid me? I don't even know if it is avoiding.... you did come up to me of your own accord yesterday to tell me about your mark. I just wasn't very encouraging. my heart leapt when you came over... your presence, your smell.... and in my non-commital response, you stepped back. What does it matter though? Like you once said, its not like you can change anything.... so why should i try and make this better? Maybe i'm not. Maybe that's just the by-product. When in reality, all i want to do is make *me* feel better. I say that i'll let you go.. i get angry and upset and so mad... but then i always come full circle and find myself wishing that i could be there. Wishing i could spend time with you. Wishing to bask in your presence like an iguana basking in the sun. Sometimes i think i think too highly of you... you're not a god. you're a selfish, arrogant guy who's managed to pull the wool over a vulnerable and naieve girl. But am i really complaining? No, like a stupid fool i watch myself miss you and wish that you were still a part of my life.
I don't *really* want to hurt you. I care too much about you. You'd only need to ask and i'd be there for you in a flash. Yet, if i do that, if i offer... you'll only think less of me. Because i was the one who dangled my heart on my sleeve for you. I so wanted to drive you home last night, but i didn't dare. I wouldn't know what to do, and i couldn't bear your rejection, if you took the common sense route and said 'no, i'll walk'. That would've killed me. Yet.. if you'd agreed, i would've been so happy. and at the same time, it would've been so awkward, considering how i'd treated you all day. Its all a facade you know? all of it... i just seem to waver between the two extremes.... I'm so hurt, and i so want you to pay for it. at the same time, i still love you, and i do care about you. and every other moment i jump from ship to ship. what a wild and nutty ride..
But tell me, have you even thought about us at all? Or is your thesis keeping you happy and occupied? I am going you know... i'm packing as we speak.. and soon i'll be gone. Will you even miss me? Or will your friends just make you forget? You make it look so easy, regardless of what you say... I just wish sometimes that you'd reconsider. But we've already been over that. The fact that i have to resort to blogging to air out my issues is indicative of the fact that i can't talk to you about it. You'll just get annoyed and frustrated at me. all the answers are there, if i want to look for them.
i just can't help it that i miss you. I've blocked you out of my life, for the simple reason that if i don't, i'll never get over you. I'll spend each waking minute looking at msn, and whenever it pings, i'll automaticaly search for your name. and then i spend the next five minutes in agony wondering if you'll talk to me. it's just easier to not know if you're around. ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.
yet here i am, missing you, wondering how your day was. I was supposed to go into the city today. I can't imagine what that would've been like. sitting there in the state library, hoping against hope that you might decide to ring me up. Hoping against hope that i might crash into you at one of ur music stores.... i stayed home and blogged instead. yay, i have a life.
and you have a game tomorrow... i hope that goes well.
I don't keep up with any of your things anymore. I do love you, and I do try to be there for you. Sometimes i wonder whether everything that i've done... whether i'm doing them the right way. I want to be the bigger person. I want to forgive you. At the same time, i've let you get away with so much, that if i continued and just moved on, and became your friend, it would mean that you would win. I don't want you to win. I hate being the pushover. And everytime i'm in a relationship it seems like i am. I try to empathise too much. I try to be understanding. and all it gets me is that feeling that everyone else is in control but me. and although as much as i don't mind relinquishing the control, at the same time, i'd like to think that i would still be respected. but every time i do it, i get screwed over. i mean, look at you. I give way to you, and you end up leading me on for two months. What a sad and sorry case this all is.
A line from Notting Hill comes to mind, "it's like i've taken love cocaine" or something to that effect.
*sigh*
maybe i'm just tired and should get some rest, and leave blogging for another day. at least i got some uni work done - FINALLY.
...i love you...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:14 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home