Duck Butterfly
I was on the trains today coming home and I couldn't help myself. Every time i passed by certain stations that I knew you had a chance of being at, I would look around... and of course, pretend to look cool. lol. i probably made for good entertainnent fodder as I stalked (as in high and mighty walking, as opposed to hiding behind newspapers) all those platforms, before settling into my seat when the train arrived. Guess it also didn't help my case that i tried to look at all the train windows as the trains whizzed past on the offchance I might catch a glimpse of you. God, i'm such an obssessive freak. lolTo be honest, i know that you're busy with your work. Hell, i went into campus today to speak to my supervisor and came back out with enough work to keep me off the streets and stalking you for the next year and a half, if i actually sat down and did a decent job of working at it. *looks at last sentence* i'm not even making sense.. *Sigh*
I guess i'm just tired.. i stayed up till 4am last night. Dragged myself up this morning at bloody 10am so i could get on those stupid trains... and of course, couldn't sleep throughout the trip coz i kept on hoping i might catch a glimpse of you. it's amazing how often we can delude ourselves into thinking things that have less than a 10% chance of occuring. I remember standing on one of those platforms thinking, 'bet you're probably at home' lol.
It's such a fine line to walk though.. between getting over you, and not caring. I guess there's a middle ground somewhere, where we can be friends, and I don't have to care that we didn't work out. At the same time, i still don't want to give you the satisfaction. I still want you to truly regret and mope, and mourn, and SUFFER. lol. At the same time, there are so many moments when i relish in the freedom of being single again, and not having to have my actions hinged by someone else. not that they'll necessarily stop me from doing what i want, but more that i'll do things with the thought that i want to show how much i care for that person, or do things with that person in mind. so right now, i don't have to deal with any of that... which is, strangely refreshing. at the same time, i'll still get into these moods where i'll get so upset and hate you. I just wish i could choose a side sometimes and stick to it. I hate you. bingo! I want to be your friend (and therefore am willing to forgive myself for constantly laying down my self-respect - even if i haven't really, but feel like i have, because you always act so superior). presto! i mean... dammit.. just pick a bloody side!!!!
You know what i wonder sometimes though? Do you in fact even notice that i've gone and disappeared? I dropped hints two weeks ago that i didn't know what to say to you online etc. and that i didn't want you in my life later on after this is all over. You're also not that slow a person. I'm sure you can get the hint that I don't want you in my life, if i've sort've cut off all communication towards you. and me being as talkative as i am.. like you once said, you know there's something wrong when i'm silent... i wonder though if you've been so preoccupied with uni work that you don't even notice that i'm gone. or if maybe you figure, 'oh, she's not here' and then dismiss it out of mind. or maybe, you might even think, 'oh, she's not here... =( guess this is the way it's gonna be. after all, i deserve this.' and then dismiss it out of mind. or even worse, figure there's nothing that you can do about that now, and leave it be. Try and solve everything later. I don't want to be something that you can "handle" later on so that i fit your perfect mould....
and anyway, I can't help it that I'm an irrational girl who wants you to chase after her and ask/demand to know what's wrong. if only to show that you actually *are* interested in keeping me. well, that or i finally get a legitimate chance to come around and slap you and scream at you for being the insensitive prick that you are.... lol there i said it. lol. i don't care about your reasons. I don't care about your rational. I know what i want, and goddamit, i refuse to let your stupid stubborness get in the way! lol
I was walking to campus and listening to my walkman this morning, and my mind wandered to the fact that you didn't want me, and bizarrely i could feel the tears creeping up out of the corner of my eyes. *sigh* I'm an emotional wreck. I was reading from somewhere last night, they commented that depressed people were like ducks on a lake. From afar, the duck's happily coasting along, and everything's calm, serene and placid. Underneath the water though, what you don't see are the duck's feet rapidly moving trying to keep everything afloat.... I don't know if i could classify myself as Depressed-depressed, but I would definately say that there are moments when i'm truly unhappy. But i can feel sympathy for that little duck... there are only so many people who know about my current situation. family isn't one of them. And having to put up a front for them, because i can't be bothered to deal with explaining the entire saga to them, is so tiring... it doesn't help that i've got this thesis to write either. I can't exactly go up to my supervisor and explain that my emotional life is stopping me from handing in decent drafts.... he'll think i'm nuts, not to mention very unprofessional.
*shakes self* i will not be undone by a guy. REPEAT. i will not be undone by a guy.
Maybe if i stop thinking... that might do the trick. ha! like that's even possible. the day that happens is the day that hell freezes over and the devil gives me a free pair of ice-skates.
sheesh.. look at the time.. i came back to the computer labs at uni tonight to do work. and here i am blogging away my time... this thesis *so* isn't going to get done....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:47 pm
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