Distressed Butterfly
My mind is in turmoil. all that keeps on swimming around in my head is "because i do care". My immediate reaction to it last night was to snort and think, 'yeh, whatever.'' But since then..
I think my friend was right to reprimand me the other night, and tell me that it's probably more desperation or hormones (that chemical that gets induced in the brain whenever you get that feeling of love and affection), or whatever that was driving me to want to remain with him. I'm tempted to believe him. It makes things so logical and so much easier to bear.
In the last 12 hours I have been struggling to emphasize the facts to myself, and I am desperately trying to hold onto my sanity. I have to constantly remind myself on the tail end of every sympathetic thought of 'omg, you actually care, and you hurt, and you actually want me that the truth of the matter is:
HE DOESN'T WANT ME
He doesn't want me as a girfriend.
He doesn't want a relationship with me.
He just lusted after me, and took advantage of my heart
That is all.
REMEMBER THAT.
Friendship love, not Love love...
And the irony is, i bet he doesn't even realise or recognise how much of a state four little words like "because i do care" can put me in. It's depressing to know that i automatically jumped on the love-code-word bandwagon, when he's been holding down the job of tour guide on the friendship bus for the last 21 years.
there are just days when i miss you.. y'know?
I miss the days and the times that we had
i missed your love.
in a way i probably technically still have your love, if your words are to be believed.
sometimes i sit and try and rationalise and argue to myself that you don't really know what you want, and that i know you better and enough to tell you this is the way that things are going to be, and then you will come to realise that i was right.
it's just... when i sit down and try and think about it, it was your fault. you threw it all waay, and i do believe that you will always be too cowardly to ever come back and find me.
even if you tell me that you do care about me, what good is that? just because you care about me doesn't mean that you have decided that you want me in your life. just because you care about me doesn't mean that you love me as a boyfriend loves someone, and regret your actions in hurting me. maybe you do regret hurting me, but it's a different type of regret compared to having to put me on this emotional rollercoaster while you decide what kind of role you want me to play in your life. somehow the dynamics in our relationship became so twisted that you seem to have full control. in a boyfriend/girlfreind relationship, that doesn't really bother me. as long as i know that i do have some say in things that you do in fact respect and love me deeply and you will listen to me, and that the love and respect is mutual, then that is fine. but that is not the case here. i want something, and you want something else...
to be honest, i don't even know now whether it was a good or bad thing to have seen you yesterday. it was good in the fact that i realised that i could be in the same room with you, ignore you, block you out, and pretend that you didnt' really exist.
but no matter what front i put up.. you will never know the extent to which you have hurt and cut me.
i think yesterday was more for my benefit than yours.
at the same time.. your comment.. has spun me around. which indicates that maybe i'm not as over you as i'd like to think. and in which case, maybe i really have deluded myself and settled into Denial Central.
I just miss you sometimes..
I'm sure he took me at my word and i think that he saw me nod last night, when he asked if i was ok via sms. i had my chin on my shoulder at one stage and was talking to someone. i was in his line of sight. so it may mean that he could leave the dinner with a sense of ease when he thought that everything was ok with me. it wasn't my intention though. i wanted him to suffer. at the same time though, why should i care? why should it matter what he thinks or feels? i didn't want to tell him anything or let him know my state of mind. i figured that it wouldn't do our situation any favours. I wasn't going to give him an answer one way or another. but i worry that i did it unintentionally. and he left soon after.
oh well...
so be it. you can't change anything now..
I think my friend was right to reprimand me the other night, and tell me that it's probably more desperation or hormones (that chemical that gets induced in the brain whenever you get that feeling of love and affection), or whatever that was driving me to want to remain with him. I'm tempted to believe him. It makes things so logical and so much easier to bear.
In the last 12 hours I have been struggling to emphasize the facts to myself, and I am desperately trying to hold onto my sanity. I have to constantly remind myself on the tail end of every sympathetic thought of 'omg, you actually care, and you hurt, and you actually want me that the truth of the matter is:
HE DOESN'T WANT ME
He doesn't want me as a girfriend.
He doesn't want a relationship with me.
He just lusted after me, and took advantage of my heart
That is all.
REMEMBER THAT.
Friendship love, not Love love...
And the irony is, i bet he doesn't even realise or recognise how much of a state four little words like "because i do care" can put me in. It's depressing to know that i automatically jumped on the love-code-word bandwagon, when he's been holding down the job of tour guide on the friendship bus for the last 21 years.
there are just days when i miss you.. y'know?
I miss the days and the times that we had
i missed your love.
in a way i probably technically still have your love, if your words are to be believed.
sometimes i sit and try and rationalise and argue to myself that you don't really know what you want, and that i know you better and enough to tell you this is the way that things are going to be, and then you will come to realise that i was right.
it's just... when i sit down and try and think about it, it was your fault. you threw it all waay, and i do believe that you will always be too cowardly to ever come back and find me.
even if you tell me that you do care about me, what good is that? just because you care about me doesn't mean that you have decided that you want me in your life. just because you care about me doesn't mean that you love me as a boyfriend loves someone, and regret your actions in hurting me. maybe you do regret hurting me, but it's a different type of regret compared to having to put me on this emotional rollercoaster while you decide what kind of role you want me to play in your life. somehow the dynamics in our relationship became so twisted that you seem to have full control. in a boyfriend/girlfreind relationship, that doesn't really bother me. as long as i know that i do have some say in things that you do in fact respect and love me deeply and you will listen to me, and that the love and respect is mutual, then that is fine. but that is not the case here. i want something, and you want something else...
to be honest, i don't even know now whether it was a good or bad thing to have seen you yesterday. it was good in the fact that i realised that i could be in the same room with you, ignore you, block you out, and pretend that you didnt' really exist.
but no matter what front i put up.. you will never know the extent to which you have hurt and cut me.
i think yesterday was more for my benefit than yours.
at the same time.. your comment.. has spun me around. which indicates that maybe i'm not as over you as i'd like to think. and in which case, maybe i really have deluded myself and settled into Denial Central.
I just miss you sometimes..
I'm sure he took me at my word and i think that he saw me nod last night, when he asked if i was ok via sms. i had my chin on my shoulder at one stage and was talking to someone. i was in his line of sight. so it may mean that he could leave the dinner with a sense of ease when he thought that everything was ok with me. it wasn't my intention though. i wanted him to suffer. at the same time though, why should i care? why should it matter what he thinks or feels? i didn't want to tell him anything or let him know my state of mind. i figured that it wouldn't do our situation any favours. I wasn't going to give him an answer one way or another. but i worry that i did it unintentionally. and he left soon after.
oh well...
so be it. you can't change anything now..
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:42 pm
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