Desperate Butterfly
I don't know why... i suddenly have this vicious urge to tempt fate. I want to unblock you from msn. I want to see if we can talk. I feel so alone tonight. so alone.... there's no one online. my best friend isn't answering her phone and my ex is hassling me for uni help.i am *so* tempted...... what if u were home? what if you saw me online.. what would you say? what would you do? i'm so sick and tired of being high and mighty. it's just so much easier to hate myself later and just give in....
i just want to give in... to hell with everything. to hell with pride. i want and need you *so* much...
why am i even so desperate over someone who doesn't want me?
you never technically told me that you didn't love me. i can still hope right? it's all up to me. you said you wanted to be friends with me....
*shakes head*
but the thing is... afterwards, after i get my fix.. what happens if i feel empty? what if you're online also, and you speak to me, and then you leave? what if i suddenly break and spill out how bad i've been feeling? will you run away scared? what happens then? what happens after you leave? will i hate myself and shrivel up and die, and go through the week all over again?
OH GOD.....
i can't do this... i realy can't....
but what if... what if... what if you're online and we can talk? like, really talk? and we have a good conversation? that won't happen though. because you never have much to say. i remmeber you telling me once that you liked talking to me, because for once you didn't have to direct conversation. which means i'd have to initiate conversation as well as everything else.
I HATE YOU...
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME???
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, SO THAT I CAN'T BE MYSELF AROUND YOU?
WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO THAT I HATE MYSELF???
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME HATE MYSELF????
what happens if i find out later that you were waiting for me? you were waiting for me to make it? what happens if all it took was that *one* *last* *chance?* why am i throwing myself at you? why???? why???? WHY?????
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