Desolate Butterfly
What if I do want to talk to you? I took a whole bunch of pictures today on my digital camera. and i'm looking at those pics of me.... i'm really not that bad. I'm so tempted to continue being friends with you. I want to rub it in your face what you're missing out on. Do you in fact know what you're missing out on? do you? or don't you care? you probably don't care. and i'm probably too vain for my own good. But see, if i stay being friends with you.... you win. i don't want you to win. I have some attraction cards. they're not worth much, but hey, its better than nothing. and i'll play.... not the most sensible thing to do, but i'll play. i guess the most sensible thing would be just to get over you. wish it was as easy to do as to say.I had a mini panic attack a minute ago. I had my phone switched off all day, and i just switched it back on, and it beeped with a message! could it be.. would it be... you want to talk to me? you miss me? my stomach twisted into instant pretzal knots. Only to find out it was just one of my other friends. *sigh* like you would really bother wanting to spend time with me. I want to hang around you just so you can take a look at what you missed out on. at the same time... if i hung around, it'd mean i'd have to interact with you. i don't think i could do it. i know the sensible thing is to stay away. and i'm sure in your mind that's the same thing you're telling yourself. the difference between us is that my willpower is pretty weak. i.e. if i get too desperate, i may somehow delude myself into trying to contact you. it's only been 4 days. and i've already told myself that from hereon out i kick you out of my life. and i'm still pining. not that i expect that its like some miracle cure, that if i tell myself something, that it'll magically work - just like that. but still...
i've been thinking also - you'll never find this page. ever. it just makes me think though. how many people do you meet in your life who actually have a large part to play in it? how many people are you destined to only meet once in your life? and if you screw it up, that's your one and only chance? there is a strong possibility that after graduation i will never see you again. you won't be as stupid as to not attend this graduation. you missed the last one, but this is honours we're talking about. so you have to turn up to this one. .. right? yeh. so after that though.. what are the chances that we'll meet up? i don't think we will. i'm tempted to still stay in contact with you. i want to... i'm looking at these photos i took, and i want to show you. i want you to see what i see. i want you to go, 'i could've had her. why was i so stupid?'
so like, then i can go, 'ner ner ner... NERR!! i'm here, but you can't have me, coz like, YOU STUFFED UP! nERRR!!!' no... not bitter.... this butterfly is *definately* not bitter..
but you being you, you'll get over it. it hurt that day when i was talking to you about your supervisor and the way you make decisions, how sometimes all that matters is what you decide, and you don't give a stuff about what they think. I don't know if i was stretching your statement to fit our scenario. girls tend to overthink things. and i'm the epitome of the overthinker. so you can't blame me. and you probably couldn't be bothered going through the thought processes to clarify with me. sometimes i feel like, if you made the effort you could always put me at ease. but most of the time, despite the fact that you know i think too much, you let me think whatever anyway. because you can't be bothered. you figure it doesn't matter.
but guess what? it DOES...oh why am i even bothering trying to tell you anything anyway? it's not like you'll even care. it's not like you even WANT me in your life.......why don't you want me? why can't you give me what i need? i need you so badly...
i'm honestly, truly, really not that bad...i'm really not...why????
how can you kick me out of your life so easily? even if you get the hint that i am no longer online, chances are that you'll never come after me...you won't work to keep me. i know it. it's all up to god damn me. why do i have to do all the legwork to keep our friendships and our relationships?
i have enough issues with my own friends, let alone you. i really thought you wanted me. yet you never do anything to indicate that you do. is it just that i'm impatient? and i don't give you the chance to show how much you want and care and need me? or is truly me? and i'm just thick? ... is it just me?
i don't care that you tell me that it's all you. that its your fault, and that i have nothing to do with this. that i did nothing wrong. because to be honest, i'm looking at those pictures of myself today, and i'm sitting there thinking, there's no way you can just dump me. there's just NO WAY..... I REALLY DIDN'T TREAT YOU ALL THAT BADLY.. i really didn't... I'm sorry i was in your face so much. I'm sorry that i didn't give you space. I'm sorry that i was so impatient. Why can't you come back and love me?
oh god i hurt so much...my heart just keeps on breaking into more and more pieces....why won't you have me? why can't you keep me? why won't you come after me? why??? why? how come you never loved me? how come you never loved me enough? i loved you SO SO SO SO much.... why couldn't you return it?
i miss you SO much... i'm dying here.. i literally am dying... i'm dying inside. i can feel my heart shrivel up. curling into like one of those dried up petals that fall from flowers.... curled up, brown, dried, dead.
how can you do this to someone? oh god.. .i hurt SO much...4 days in. 4 days into 'the rest of my life' and i've relapsed already. i promised myself that i would pick myself up off the floor. i promised myself that i wouldn't care. and for a few hours today i really didn't care. last night... some of today... i was so proud of myself.
i want to ring you up so badly. i want to hear your voice. but you'll get upset and angry at me. and i won't be able to respect myself in the morning. i hate having to balance out my principles with my love. why can't you love and respect me enough to let me be myself? why can't you let me love you the way i love someone? why do i have to walk on eggshells around you? why do i have to have the threat of losing you hanging over my head? this is so hard... i hurt so much....
I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN. The only thing that i can think about is how i can make you wish that you'd never left me. i think that you're kicking yourself more over the fact that you've distressed me, and that you're an idiot for stuffing something up. and to be honest, you haven't really stuffed up. i want you and need you so badly that if you worked at it hard enough you could still have me. but your rationale is stopping you. you tell yourself that you've screwed up and that you'll get rid of me. that i don't want you and therefore i'm not worth your time. how can you BE SO COLD? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS??? HOW THE BLOODY HELL CAN YOU BE SO COLD?!?!?!? DON'T YOU HAVE EMOTION?!?!? DON'T YOU FEEL??? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?? HOW CAN YOU THROW THIS ALL AWAY?
i hurt so much... i'm dying....
i wish you were here right now. i'm hysterical enough right now to hate you and scream at you and kick you until you bleed. i want to hurt you physically. i want to hit you and scream. i want to verbally abuse you. i hurt so god damn much. how can you do this to me? you forced this ending. things were going so great. i had no clue this was coming. you used to make me so happy that i would cry out of happiness. and now i'm just hurting so much. who could've thought the equal but opposite reaction would be so bad? who could've guessed that i would hurt so much? why can't you ....
there's no point ringing you. you'll just sigh and resign yourself to 'deal with me.' i don't want to be 'dealt with' . i want someone to love me. even close friends do a better job at comforting me than you do. you don't deserve my love. you don't deserve my tears. then why the hell am i crying over you? i can't stop them. and my heart just hurts so much...
i hope this migraine isn't here to stay. i have to go and do uni work tomorrow. i should've done more today....
I think i'll go and see if i can get some exhausted sleep. crying myself to sleep is better than no sleep at all.....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:40 am
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