Defeated Butterfly
well i had a talk with my best friend last night. it seems the conclusion's the same. I guess i have to resign myself to the fact that we're not going to work out. Like that wasn't obvious. We figured that even if he does care, he can't afford to deal with it right now. and he will deal with it, and he will suffer, and he will regret what he did. and then he'll move on. we know that he won't come back to try and mend fences. so be it...at the same time... you kinda do wish sometimes, y'know?
but i was reminded - if he did.. would i really want a guy like that? what do his actions show abt the type of person he is? do i want to go out with someone who's inner nature is to fight with himself like that? no, i want a well-balanced person. who is not afraid to show the person he loves how much he cares and respects her. none of these childish sandbox games.. i want you, gimme gimme! .. no i don't want you now, take it back!
I guess my idea of love is probably a bit too idealistic and a bit too sacrificial for self preservation. i figured, if i had my heart set on someone, that i would be willing to look past all their faults. and take them as they were. what i tend to forget in doing so, is how that might affect me. walking that fine line between loving other people, and loving myself. Maybe that's what i have to learn from all this. How to love and protect myself. I used to hate those parent-teacher meetings where i'd be dragged in and told by my year 1 teacher, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others, etc etc etc. issues... everyone has issues...
*sigh*
i think the only thing that i walked away with last night from that phone call was a sense of defeat.... there's no point in me being antagonistic towards him. there's no point of being upset. there's no point of harbouring angst. truth of the matter is, he won't be dealing with any of this right now. if i ring him up and question him, it's not going to help anything. it won't even assuage my anger, because after i hang up and rationale kicks in, i'll be kicking myself. we know that it's over. no need to rub salt in wounds any more than you've already done. you've picked the scab, it's bleeding, and you want to add salt to make it worse? what kinda sick psycho are you??
so, what do i come away with then? nothing much.... *rueful shrug* all i have to get me through the day now, is just doing work... day in, day out.... drudgery... and when work starts in november.... even *more* drudgery. this time with threats of clients, and deadlines hanging over my head. can't pass the buck anymore when you're full time....
so he will get his come-uppance. that, or this is my karmic kick for dumping my ex. whatever. but in the end, there's nothing i can do. and as i was told by a friend quite adamently last night, don't let him stop me from doing my work. last thing i need is for him to ruin my life by making me stuff up this thesis.
we actually bandied the idea around last night of me writing an explantory email to tell him what i've been going through. and telling him that i'm still here for support. But 3 things stopped us:
- He may take it as 'omg, she hasn't gotten over me yet. what part of no doesn't she understand??' and make things worse, and his opinion of me worse than it is right now.
- I may very well not respect myself in the morning.
- as much as i say i want to be the bigger person, and you can't accuse me of never supporting you even after you've kicked me in the face, it may simply be my loneliness and delusion talking. i.e. i'm in denial, and i'm willing to do and try anything to get back in your life, or connect with you in some way.
The other thing of course, is that he may just ignore the email, and go 'mpphmm.. ok then' and then dismiss it out of mind. and knowing me, i'll be overthinking and analysing it for months to come. 'why hasn't he replied?' and anyway, it's not like he isn't a 'big boy' now. he can deal with his own problems. i don't need to. i could technically tell him that i'm still there for him if he needs me. but to be honest..... in my mind, it sorta borders on the 'she's stalking me for love' scenario.
god i'm so desperate and pitiful.
I was driving to uni today, and i had a think about everything. maybe it would be better for me to just become numb to all of this. i bet he's doing the same. i have no idea what he's thinking. and maybe it's better that way. you watch all these romances that work, and most of the time they don't sit there trying to pick each other's brain apart. half the fun is curling up in bed imagining what the other half is doing, and counting down the days until you see them next.
not that i will be seeing him any time soon. i doubt that very much. he may well come to the yum cha that's planned. actually. no. he won't! because he has soccer on saturdays. that's great! so i can at least attend some social functions without having to look over my shoulder. it's so hard to put on this brave front though.. *sigh*
moving on with life, and all that.
but yeh, my phone call last night kinda cleared the air a bit. it's just depressing to know that i can't change anything. there's no way to go. we've got it all planned out. nothing we can do. i was talking to a friend online the other night who basically told me that it just sucked, coz there really was nothing i could do. and it sucks sometimes, coz it seems like he's got all the control.
well he's the one that sacrificed this friendship y'know. he didn't 'deal with me' properly. and now i'm out of his life. and knowing him, i doubt he'd ever fold one day and go, 'i'm really sorry. i cry myself to sleep every night, knowing that i screwed up. is there any chance that we can still be friends' etc? he'd never do that. in my head, he's just not the type. he wouldn't bare his soul. that'd be asking for too much. god help him to even *consider* opening up.... i mean, oh no, the great high and mighty can't be allowed to be vulnerable. that would just be too shocking and controversial for words. excuse me, while i return to myself and stop hanging my heart on my sleeve. he just... his actions just seem to indicate that he doesn't even appreciate what he's got. he knows he's got a good thing, and he doesn't want it. it's not even like he's watching himself throw it away. he knows in his own mind, that he doesn't want me.
well if a guy doesn't want me, why am i stil throwing myself at him? why am i doing all this crap? i wish i never got involved. distant heart. that's what i need. put all guys at bay. ten foot radius. it's too much to open up.
what sucks is like, him telling me, 'i don't do things halfheartedly. i'm here for the long term'. long term my foot.... three weeks in and you're kicking me out. and now you just want to be friends. yeh yeh... rationale, whatever.
relationships are messy. they're never clear cut. EVER. i don't think i should give you the satisfaction. If you're really dead serious about being there for me, etc, i think you should have to work to prove it. there was no way considering all the stuff i've done for you that i could answer truthfully and go, 'lets see how things go' re us. i couldn't even in my hurt give you that satisfaction of taking the easy way out. i just couldn't... the fact that at one stage i told you if u ever changed your mind to let me know.... would be sufficient i think.
i just hate all the stuff you've put me through. there is no future for us, because i know that you won't come back. i really shouldn't waste my time on you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:50 pm
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