At the Edge of the Abyss

Caffeinated Butterfly

Who would've thought it? cappucino - 3 sugars - in one hand. sitting in front of a laptop in cafe surroundings. listening to 'screaming infidelities' by dashboard confessional, and i am content. maybe it *is* possible to not think about you. well at least not be unhappy... well... i mean... *sigh* .. never mind.

y'know, its pretty sad that right now i need a blog to validate my existence... if it wasn't for the fact that i am keeping this thing so that i at least have *someone* to 'talk to' per se.... i'd probably still be curled up around that pillow that i was sobbing into last night. *sigh* how can someone cause another person such distress?

i was thinking earlier.. maybe we don't need to be at such loggerheads with each other. and maybe we can be friends. but i don't think we could until i set out the boundaries in my own mind of where we can and can't be. i can't do the 'limbo friend' thing with you anymore. you've used up all your 'limbo credits'. you know, where you make friends with someone, and you hold hopes or expectations of where that friendship could go. and you're flexible in accommodating wherever it goes. i think if we are to be friends 'one day' that i will need to know for myself how much i can and can't take around you. because if i don't, i will immediately sink back into this miserable place that i've been in for the last few months.

i remember when six months ago after i broke up with my then bf, you and i discussed how things were going to be. and we sorta half agreed that everything would wait until after the thesis was over. and those 4? 5? 6? months seemed like a lifetime away. and i wondered how i would get through it. amazing how fast time flies and how much happens in between. we promptly forgot our agreement with each other, and somehow found ourselves involved in a sense. one silly argument blossoms into you claiming you wanted space, and needed us to break up because you didn't want to be responsible for ruining us. well guess what buddy? you got that wish by default. ha! and the last 3 months have involved me desperately trying to make you change your decision. i guess i've watched too many love stories where pride is what gets in the way. and i had my heart set on you. so i decided, screw the pride. screw the principles. screw the self dignity. i'll go after you. because you are what i want. we get along so well together. i loved being in your company. and your love was a bonus. one that i didn't want to part with. its easy to escalate. so much harder to go the other way.... because you expose so much more of yourself that you never would in a friendship. if that night i'd asked you if i meant more to you as a friend, and you'd lied, and said, 'no, we're just friends'.... everything would be so great. but you had to be honest (yes i know, girls are so fickle. we want you to be honest, we threaten to murder you if you don't, and then we tell you to lie to us. females = absolutely impossible). and so began this entire charade...

and so here we are now. we're not talking. i've made a resolution to kick you out of my life. not because i want to. but because if i don't... i'll die. its the only way that i can survive. its bad enough hoping to see you around every corner, let alone having to deal with you in any other form. somewhere in the back of your head you might remember me telling you about the few weeks before how i'd decided not to talk to you etc. i wonder what you think about all this? if in fact you've thought about it at all.

for a while there i thought maybe the problem between us was that i wanted to talk too much. that i had to ask and question everything that we did. you know, 'what were u thinking about?' 'what did you think of what i did earlier?' and explaining all my actions, 'i ignored you because...' and just.. all the information overload, and you getting lost in all the exposition, explanation and analysis to actually *do* anything about it all.... well, we're not talking about it anymore. i wonder if this will make things better. or, if out of courtesy, i should actually tell you what i'm doing? or if that would just defeat the purpose? it's not like you'll act like you'll care either way. because no matter what you say, your actions tell me that you don't...how much of what you say to me is actually true? they may have been true then.. but can i like, lift them, and use them now? are they in fact, still relevant? or has hindsight told you that actually, you never really loved me at all...?

melted chocolate sprinkles in coffee froth - ah! heaven! who said i couldn't deal with coffee? well i did, but that's beside the point. and i'm reaching the bottom... where all the sugar is. sweetest at the end.. maybe that could be a metaphor for something.... the cliched you have to drink through the bitter to get to the sweet? gee...how original.

but back to my caffeinated musings...where do we go from here? i don't think you will ever ring me up to ask us to patch things up. to be honest, i believe i've done too much to warrant me doing anything. it's all been me. and to be honest, i believe you to be too cowardly to actually go and try and salvage this friendship. i'm sure you've got it in your head somewhere that we will never be. because you hurt me too much. in your sick and twisted thinking, you may even decide that if you love me, that you have to let me go. but i don't want to be the cliched 'if she doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be'. i think i came back enough times to prove that i could. i think it's up to you now. you're the one that told me that its all problems with your head. and to be honest, i doubt that that will get fixed up anytime soon. i don't want to be there for that. well.. i do and i don't. if you'd let me hang around, i'd love to be there. i'd love for you to go to me ten years down the track 'i couldn't have gotten through with out you. you're my bestest, closest friend, and thank you for being there'. i always wanted to be needed like that. i try so hard to be that person. but your coldness.... it makes me overthink, and wonder if in fact you need me. and if in fact you want or appreciate me? i try to be so supportive. and you push me away and tell me that you're fine. it gets to the point that i can't even be supportive without having to pre-empt all my statements. i'd love to continue being supportive. but i think in some ways there has to be a line between that and simply being the puppy at the door. i need to get my self-respect back. and i need to stop wallowing in self-pity. if only it were that easy (to stop the wallowing).

mmMmmmm... last drop of Coffee.. *sigh*... Contentedness..... bliss and nirvana..... for ten secs before it reaches the recesses of my brain for hyperactivity and overwordiness... *gulp*
i should seriously come here more often. i wonder if this atmosphere actually does me any good... i'm not doing uni work, hell, i'm typing up an entry for a blog to post when i get near an internet accessible computer. but the smell of roasting coffee beans is somehow comforting. in the most bizarrest of ways. for someone who swears off coffee in usual circumstances as a hyperactive drug that's not good for crazy people.. that's saying something.

anyway.. yeh... i wonder if i'm going about this the right way. if i've done the right thing to suddenly just cut you out of my life. it's not like you've really ignored me per se. you did kinda talk to me. but to be honest, i don't really know where i stand with you. i tried to find that out the other night. when i rang you last friday night to talk to you about uni stuff. and in those last moments of silence when i didn't really know what else to say to you, but i was too.... i don't know.. i didn't want to hang up. i didn't want to end the connection, even though i knew you needed to go. the tone of your voice when you said bye... told me that i was being annoying. that i was a hassle. and then, when i saw you on thursday... when u came up to talk to me. it wasn't really a private conversation. because one of our other friends was loitering in the background. but you'd spent the last half hour talking to her. why i'm jealous i don't know. she's got a bf. she's prettier than me. hell, i'm just insecure and bitter.

but honestly, do i really want to end our friendship on the last thing you said to me? 'i'll buy you a heater'? we were all standing in the carpark and i was shivering. note, you didn't even bother to comment or anything. it was one of the other guys who kept on offering me his jacket, and then later came down to sit beside me and hug me for warmth. i wondered if you thought anything of it. you probably didn't. but yeh.. we were joking abt how when i got back to the car it would be warmer and i could switch on the heater. but i said that i didn't know how to work it, or it didn't work, or something to that extent. and you kidded that you'd buy me one. i think i gave you a scornful look. I didn't really acknowledge you throughout the day. i think that my eyes slid across you each and every time. like i said earlier, i didn't dare look you in the eye. i didn't know what i'd find there. i'm so desperately in love with you. i'm so desperate to keep you as we once were. i can't accept anything else. how the hell do you expect for us to be friends? i'm scared... and i get so hurt when you act like nothing's happened between us. i'd like to think that you kept your eye on me throughout the class. its always hard to tell when you try to keep tabs on a person out of the corner of your eye. you never know if they are in fact looking at you, or if in fact they are looking at something else, but their face is kinda in your direction. everything's so blurry when you try and peek out of the corner of your eye.

do you think i'm stupid and childish to do the things i've done? the fact that i've kicked you out of my life. i'd love to have you in my life.. but at the same time.. i know that i can live without you. it'll take time to adjust (i'm trying to adjust as we speak), but.. i'm sure it can be done. and then this will all just be a distant memory. although i know from past experience that there are relationship issues that i'm still bitter about. some of those 'what ifs' where things that had potential blew up in your face, be it your fault or the other party's. i think i'll be holding a grudge against you for a while. i truly wonder whether or not we can be friends. i'd like to. but i also have to keep in mind that i don't know where i stand with you. i wonder if that talk that night in your mind established everything. you're not a nice person, you know that? you're so selfish.
i think that it would've been nice if you'd come up to me on thursday and asked me how i was. and if everything was ok between us. or have we already talked our relationship out to death. and in your mind, there's nothing to talk about, because .... the bottom line is, you don't want me. and that's my problem to deal with?

capricornians SUCK. lol. all your high principles and morals. go for the goal and leave all the people by the wayside. business first, pleasure later. except that sometimes we won't stay for you to enjoy. but if that happens you go, 'that's fine. i knew that when i made the sacrifice' and you deal with it. its like brushing off dirt. BUT WE'RE NOT DIRT. we're PEOPLE. with FEELINGS. ...stupid cold capricornians.... can't you even regret.. a little?

maybe if i was the one in your position i'd do the same thing. if i was set on being your friend, i wonder if i would have enough courage to go up to you and ask that you were ok. i don't know what goes on in your head. but i think that me in general... i wonder what kind've person i portray to people? because i wonder if you can tell how hurt i am by you. how much you've hurt and continue to hurt me each and every moment that you don't talk to me and tell me what you're going through. if you care about me so much, and you've seen what i've gone through with my ex.. i wonder... no, more importantly. how can you live with the fact that you've hurt me, and you don't try to assuage it? or do i portray such coldness and 'stand-offishness' that you don't want to go near me in case i hurt you? well you're a guy. grow some guts and deal with me. you're the one that started this. the least you can do is finish it, and finish it properly.

supposedly closure occured last wednesday when i came over. yet.. the fact that I had to bring it up.. not you. me... you're just such a coward. self preservating COWARD. just an absolute jerk who can just chew girls and spit them out without a moment's thought. i seriously thought u were a nice guy. you give all this relationship advice. you give all the right answers. you used to sympathise when i came to you with my own problems. and yet there you go, screw me over and just sit there so morbidly with your own problems. 'i have a thesis to write, leave me alone.' 'i can't give you what you want. if i stay i'll kill you.' you're going to kill me whichever way you look at it. it's a catch 22. can't you like, GROW UP? like seriously... GET OVER YOURSELF, and start to consider the people around you, yeah? you're the one that got involved.... DEAL with it. i don't care. i really don't. i've been put through SO MUCH CRAP in the last few months. i'm sick of walking around on eggshells. i'm sick of having to be the one to compromise. and i'm sick that you do absolutely nothing to even TRY to deal with all of this. all you do is give yourself like, five minutes of your time, and that's only to wish that i could be there so you can 'spend time with me'. yeh whatever.... i know what you want.

guys..... i can so relate to that meg ryan quote from 'french kiss.' "you know, i never thought i'd be the type of girl to say this... but it's true. all men are bastards". i swear, sometimes i think that you only want me around because i can fit into all your requirements. pretty girl on your arm, throwing herself at you, loving you to pieces. and all the while, no matter how much you may care for me, you don't show it. you're such a coward. and when things get bad.. you don't even love me. if you did, you'd at the very least take some concern and interest into my welfare. NOPE. nary a word. it took you four days - FOUR DAYS - to tell me to go the doctor's to deal with my migraine. just this thursday one of the other lecturers commented that i didn't look so well the week before. i've never even had this lecturer before this year. even HE bothered.... you on the other hand... not a word.

i would honestly love to be supportive and be there for you through this thesis. i don't want to be accused of leaving you in the lurch. but at the same time.. i don't think that's fair on me. here i am giving you all this support and care.. and there you are going about your business. i get nothing. literally. i'm not asking for much. but even on a most basic level. if someone cared about you, wouldn't you even try to give something back? human decency and all that. why am i wasting my time on you?

On the other hand... i LIKE your company. i don't just love you. i *like* you a *lot*. i like talking to you. i like your company. I want to have someone in my life, that i can look back and go, 'yes that person is the most dearest person to me. they've been there through all the tough times. they've supported me when i needed it most, and ignored all my pleas otherwise. they know me through and through, and i couldn't get through life without them. i say how much i want independence. i give all this crap to anyone who will or won't listen, how i am my own person. how i hate domineering people, and how i'll do what i like, when i like, whenever i please, because this is me, and people should respect me, and like me, coz i'm like, ME! opinionated, bossy as hell, although i prefer the word 'assertive', and when all my friends are around me, brave as anythinig, and willing to be a little out there. half crazy, but still loveable. yet.. when it comes down to it.. all i want is to be wanted and loved. all i want... is to be taken care of. to have someone watch out for me, and let me be an idiot while still taking care of me. watching out for me. guiding me through things, and telling me what i'm supposed to do, even when i hate it, and going through everything with me. i give off all these different vibes. i wonder if my turn around from 'miss independent' to 'miss needy' was what scared you the most. maybe i open up too easily... the fact that i was really emotionally vulnerable at the time.. the fact that i really needed someone there to stave off the ghosts and vampires... and keep me safe from inner demons... and you discovered that it was all too fast, and i scared you... i just want to be wanted.. because i want to want someone... sounds so complex. hell, it probably *is* a complex.... but still...

but like, am i being too harsh? have we really done the whole 'closure' thing? or should i take some time out and tell you what's actually going on? guess i'll be on the phone tonight asking friends for advice. *sigh* i have so many problems. lol. soft... that's what my problem is. i'm too soft hearted. and then you wonder why i give off that 'miss independent' vibe. because if i don't... i'll get hurt worse. although supposedly if i didn't, maybe i wouldn't attract guys who actually WANT miss independent... hrmm.... interesting thought, that.

i've already sat here typing for close to 45 minutes. this cafe is going to close... and then i'll have to move again. grrrr... if i can finish my stack of papers before i leave tonight and head home, that will be nice. then i can go back and fix up all the other stacks. i have to go back to chapter one tomorrow. email of chapter one revised version 1.3 to be sent to supervisor by thursday. followed by meeting on friday. which means, if i can write up the draft by early thurs morning (i.e. LATE wed evening... 5am or whatever), then i can spend thurs writing up draft of chapter 3. which then means i'm sort've kinda on track. and i can meet said supervisor on friday. typing out thoughts is so much fun.

i was reading a blog today, and they had a quote which i thought really put things into perspective. i should've copied it. i might put it up somewhere later on. it was basically something to the effect of, 'writing things out, allows us to consider it an action of sorts'. well not that words. i'm just paraphrasing. maybe something closer along the lines of, 'its not real until we write about it.' i'll have to go home and dig it up. the page should still be in browser history...

ok. let's stop the ranting a bit, and get back and do some work. 4.55. i think i've become more devoted to blogging than i am to this thesis. like i said, if my thesis was about love and pain and the reasoning behind emotional breakups, i'd be set. pity i can't change topics.... i've only got 5 weeks left. who would've thought?

that's the sad thing you know. when i found out how much time was left, i was torn. on one hand i was panicking that i didn't have enough time. on the other... the crazy thought that, maybe we can get together after all! my brain has problems. it jumps particular moments in history. all i remembered at that specific moment was you saying to me once, we'll be together once this thesis is over. and i just had this crazy thought, that you'll come and find me, and say, well the thesis is over now. let's be together. and it gave me such a rush. to know that that moment was coming. except of course that my brain conveninently forgot that we've had a lot of stuff happen in between. in which case... that's not going to happen now. in which case, maybe i shouldn't have made such a big deal about everything. because now that time's just about up... maybe ..... i still want you, y'know? so what happens now?

you know what sucks though. you tell me that you want to be part of my life. yet you do nothing to keep me. REGARDLESS of me telling you that i don't want you. you just.. let go. if it was me, i'd ignore all your pleadings. do i really put out such a strong and scary front? that after 2 refusals and lots of tears, you take that as the final answer? guys are just.....

i wonder what your take on that anthony hopkins movie, 'remains of the day' would have on you. you seem so like him. i sat there at the end ready to kill him. i bet you'd watch it, and go, 'and so is life.' i sat there and went, you fool...

ok, i'm being kicked out of this place. back to work.
to the library it is.
ugh...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:34 pm