Annoyed Butterfly
This is twice now... i hate that shift arrow up function... if i click the arrow up button one more time, my entire blog disappears.... i just spent an hour typing up an honest, heartfelt blog on this evening, and it's just disappeared. and as much as i wanted it published, i can't bring myself to retype it. sometimes some things can't be written again.Today went ok. the worst part was the evening at dinner. i suddenly snapped and went viciously happy. the thing with that though is there is also downtime. and i know that i sat there quietly for over ten minutes at one stage... fairly catatonic. and i could see you out of the corner of my eye staring at me intently. you ended up smsing me asking if i was alright. i smsed you back asking you why do you want to know? and you came back with 'because i do care'. yeh whatever... i threw the phone on the table and proceeded to be happy. and you left soon after. whatever.
i ended up bawling my eyes out in the car.
the thing that i need to wrap my little head around after today is dealing with your departure. in your mind i think, everything is dandy. you're just waiting for me to snap out of it so that we can be friends. i'm still trying to accept your decision that we can longer be together. it has finally sunk in i think. the anger has dissipated to a degree, and the bitterness hides under a thick crust of numbness.
i think i only accidently really looked at you around twice today. i don't believe i spoke a word to you personally/specifically. you tried a dozen times. but each time i ignored you. at one stage i actually walked away. i don't know if i did the right thing by doing that. all i know is that i can no longer be 'nice' to you. i appreciate your efforts, i really do. and i am thankful that you have done that, so that at the very least i have the opportunity to ignore you. i don't know if it's blatant. or if you don't pick it up, or whether its obvious enough for other people to notice. you would pipe up when i was joking and laughing with other people. i would ignore your comments and continue to talk to the people i was talking with etc. in some ways it was fairly subtle because i would wait for you to finish. and on top of that, if they laughed at your jokes, i let them. i would just not laugh, or look away and find other conversations to interest me.
i just can't open up to you anymore. i can't be nice to you. because if i let my guard down - even a little, i will crumble, i will collapse, and i will fall.
i know that what i want from you, you cannot give me. and to be honest, i don't think you will ever be able to give me. as i discussed elsewhere on this blog, i think i have come to the realisation that perhaps the person that i portray (independent, no-nonsense, unsentimental) is vastly different to the real me (needy, emotionally vulnerable, fragile). guess i wasn't what you signed up for huh?
oh well.
in some ways i doubt very much that we can be friends. you'd have to do a lot to get me back, and to be honest i don't think you love me enough to do so. i don't think there will ever be a time when you will want me badly enough to truly come back and work hard for me. if there was a time, i think it would be now. but i also recognise that now is not a good time for you - and you can justify it all away with your thesis - even though you haven't been writing.
*sigh* who would've thought that acceptance was this hard to deal with?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:49 pm
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