At the Edge of the Abyss

Remorseful Butterfly

2011-08-08T20:49:00.002+10:00

Life doesn't always work out the way you expect it. Oftentimes you are faced with problems and sometimes as much as we want to bury our heads in the sand you end up doing something about it. It may not be your finest hour. The decision you make when looking back in hindsight are perhaps not your best. But they were the decisions you made based on what you thought, felt, saw and experienced at the time.

Hindsight is a funny thing. Covered in a golden haze of memory. We often select what it is we want to remember. Sometimes some memories surface and dominate and we forget about other parts. Sometimes we simply choose to forget.

Mum and I have made up to some extent - partly because my brother is now going through a similar road that I went down five years ago.

Mum is looking to sell and this means I have to go home and clear out my bedroom. Being surrounded by objects that I grew up with brings back a wistful, nostaglic feeling.

In spite of everything my family grounded me. My mother defined who I was, be it for better or worse, be it her choice, my choice, or simply the way things were.

I grew up with such expectations. I loved the feeling of the unknown, never knowing where I'd end up. Deciding to be a journalist. Seeing my name in print. Doing all my work experience jobs.

Then going to uni and taking a different career path. Suddenly deciding journalism wasn't the route I was going to take. And then taking a job as a temporary measure and then suddenly everything changed.

One night I purposely decided to try something for the sake of trying it. And it all snowballed from there. Who says big things never happen because of one simple decision?

My decision to go out with him changed everything. And the one chance I had to cut it, to end it, I folded. How things would've been different if I hadn't been so young, and simply stuck to my guns?

Objects hold such tangible memories. Sifting through my bedroom of things. Unused gifted photo frames, containers of jewellery, a box of cds. I still remember the excitement around the purchase, my feelings when I used these seemingly indifferent tangible objects.

And the worst thing is the regret. The feeling of remorse that I put my brother through everything that I went through. He's had the hard end of the stick. If I hadn't done what I'd done, my brother and I would probably be out there living together enjoying the high life. Mum would be happy and content and it would be an entirely different life.

The person I was, the person I grew up as under my mother's tutelage and loving protective cocoon is no more. I no longer recognise that person. Or perhaps if you went back in time and asked a younger me who I was now I wouldn't recognise that person. I am changed. Perhaps there are smidgens of my real self here, but sometimes I feel like I'm living a dream life. I'm living a foreign life that I know nothing about.

I live in a house that's empty of clutter. I eat food that I didn't grow up with and I speak a language that is not my mother tongue. I own pets. I live in the middle of nowhere. If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be, and what I would be doing at age 29 there is no way that I could fathom that this would be where I was at.

What happened to all my exciting ideas of travel? What happened to all my dreams of being famous and being able to Change The World?

What happened to that filial daughter who cared for her family and was close to her younger brother?

That naieve girl is no more.

I went through a baptism of fire, dragged through by a man that perhaps did not truly realise what he was doing. Or maybe he did it anyway. Perhaps he was selfish. Perhaps I was just too young to see what was going on. He thought he was helping me to live my life. When in reality the life that I knew was suddenly torn asunder. Dramatic, I know.

Going through all these 'things' I am reminded of the girl I once was, and I weep to know that she no longer exists.

I sorrow that I could not provide for my sibling and be a better role model. I regret that I was not there for his formative years.

In some ways I feel guilty that I have been so selfish and yet there is nothing that I can do.

Sometimes I dare not say it aloud in case I break the spell. But sometimes I feel like I have live a charmed life.

My mother belives in reincarnation. That we live the lives we live based on the lives we lived before. In her moments of angst and anger she claims she lives the life she lives now and suffers at our hands because she must have owed us a great debt in her past life.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder how bad my life might have been if I can seemingly coast through this life.

Make all these mistakes and yet at the end of the day have a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job, independence. And despite my selfish decisions I still manage to have my mother look out for me (albeit often with a grudging complaint) and a brother who seemingly still recognises me.

I watch him with my half sister and I wonder at the rapport they have. They are so close. It makes me so jealous when I spent my entire life trying to be close to him and not to her to show him that I love him best.

Is it me that is just too conservative? What am I? Who am I? What have I become?

Lately I have been wanting to go back to some of my roots. I want to write. I still want to be famous. I want to produce. And yet I am so scared. Scared of what my writing would show. And do I in fact have anything to say? All great stories have a moral backbone. They all have something to say. I don't believe I do.

They say write about what you know. And on this blog I have. In fact it is all I write about. There are some posts that are so searingly honest and some that I have been proud of. I grew up in high school wanting to be a writer. Believing that I could do it.

I read copious books. You'd think with that kind of track record I could write something.

In the end I think I am a pretender. I am not a creator. I am a follower. A copier. A second rate.

I can't create the painting, but boy can I copy what you've done. I can put together a pastiche of cliches, but I don't think I could start my own trend.

I am creative, don't get me wrong. Just not creative enough. I often feel like I fall just short of the mark.

It's been close to ten years now since I met him. Over five since I've left home. What have I made of myself? What have I become? And how sad is it that I am not proud of the journey I have made?

That I don't feel morally right in my decisions. I know the decisions I made and I know why I made them. But I'm not proud of them. And being unable to embrace that part of myself, makes me feel like I'm only half living. It makes me feel like I am only half of what I was. And I don't know how to change that.

I regret not being there. I regret not being more for my family. I regret not being able to provide.

Yet I know that at the time I struggled so badly to live my life and I chafed under all the expectations of my family.

Sometimes I think the only thing I am qualified to write about is my life. The struggle to find my own identity. And the best way to write it is to simply tell the story as it is.

Yet I am scared. In order to be successful it means other people have to read your work. My mother would need to read it. And she would learn through this that I do not feel sorry for what I did. Only the way it came out.

He would read it and realise that I am not the person he married.

I am so scared of what people think of me. Those who are close to me. I want success but I am so scared to fail. But if I don't write about what I know, what else is there to write about?

And yet so often these days I feel the urge. The urge to purge and simply put words down. To craft something. Is it simly one of my impulses? Like that craving to draw? Or my sudden interest in sewing? A brief flash of inspiration, a half complete project to satisfy the cravings, and then no more?

I want to think and feel like I can contribute. But to be honest I think I am not that great. I am just another normal mediocre person who aspires to be something different but is too scared and too lazy to do anything about it. And in that mediocrity I will live and then die.

Wistful Butterfly

2009-01-15T11:28:00.004+11:00

It is nice to be loved. Put on a pedestal and thought of positively.

That sweet feeling of What Might Have Been is so intoxicating.

And the thought of it always makes you smile. Especially when you are reminded of the feelings they once held for you.

Getting married in two weeks time, but got contacted by an Old Friend today. I know I shouldn't take to heart anything he says - he is across the other side of the world. But to hear him say that I was one he always dreamt of sure makes me feel good. To think that I had an impact on someone. And someone who I always thought was a looker to boot. I never thought I'd ever impact on anyone who was that good looking. I never went to that much effort.

Tall, blonde, high cheekbones with the deepest blue eyes you ever clapped eyes on.

And he could've been mine - if he'd only stayed in the country long enough and I'd gotten up enough courage to hang around instead of going out with someone else.

In typical fashion he only brought up his feelings as he was about to leave.

So the only thing left was to go on with our separate lives.

I know it can't happen - I'm getting married in less than a fortnight. But every once in a while it's nice to dream and think of What If.

Being told that my fiance is one lucky bastard makes me feel so special. Especially when I didn't prompt for any of this discussion at all.

And I'll be honest, it sure doesn't help to have that little bit of an ego boost.

Consumed Butterfly

2008-02-22T21:19:00.005+11:00

Day in, day out. I'm re-reading emails that we have written to each other. And while I know that he's not the right one for me, I'm craving. It's like I've been drugged. All I think about is him.

The conversations we've had. They go over and over in my mind. Round and around they go.

At dinner that night when I commented that he didn't turn up to our dinner bash, and joked, "you just didn't want to see me" and he replied so seriously, "you know that's not true. in fact you know how much that isn't true. there was a time when i all i wanted to do was see you." And he said it so sincerely that I knew they were said with the depths of his soul. Thinking back, I must have blushed. But whether or not he noticed was another matter.

I watched him throughout the night, on and off, and at one stage when he got up to talk, I had a mental image of what he must look like at that most heightened of passions. And I baulked. I knew that he was not the one for me. He's even older than mine. What am I doing? Am I crazy?

After dinner drinks, we chatted away, and the topic came up about his original faux pas. And it was a bad faux pas. But you could he tell he was still very interested in me. When I told him of my recent engagement you could see his disappointment on his face, before he brushed it away and looked at me and half-joked that he was a patient man and that he would wait.

It wasn't until afterwards when I put my glass of wine down that I realised that I had been holding my glass of wine and sipping it as a shield against his intentions.

I feel like I am suffering from a drug. I already have someone. Who makes me smile by his very presence. Who proposed marriage to me in one of the most romantic ways possible. And yet here I am, being consumed with thoughts of another man. How is this possible? Why do I constantly obsessively compulsively through myself into imaginations of a time and place with someone else? Last time it all ended after I had a torrid dream where I was going out with the guy. And since then, I can look him in the eye and know there is nothing there.

I've done it once before, but I always knew with that one that I was using him. This one, I'm not so sure. This one has a lot more higher stakes. What happens if I kiss him? I've kissed one before while in another relationship. Is it me? Is it me that is the problem?

Why do I always toy with the unknown?

I think the fact that I was drinking 2 glasses of wine that evening - way past my limit - assisted a lot, and helped to entrench in me this feeling of euphoria. It made me a lot more susceptible. I walked away from that evening flying high as a kite, feeling very attractive and seductive. And I guess I haven't felt that way in a while. Because I seem to be constantly emailing him in the hope of recreating that feeling.

I was very tempted today to ask him out for a drink tonight, because mine is away at an all-night boys poker night. But I didn't. I was good. And a good thing too. Because he rang me while I was cooking dinner tonight for a chat. How would have I explained my evening to him? Would I have lied? How would he feel that I was going to have after-work drinks with a man other than him? If it was me, I'd definately feel upset. I am stupid to play with his fire. Why am I being drawn to this unfaithful flame? I am silly and stupid. But everything I do atm, every spare moment I have is filled with thoughts of him. I am consumed.

I check my email constantly, anticipating his email. I think about him, wondering, 'what is he doing now?' 'is he thinking about me?' and then I think that's stupid. Why would he think about me if knows that I am taken. Why in fact am I even thinking these thoughts, when I have just become engaged?

Does this mean that I said yes to the wrong man? It can't be, because halfway through that dinner, I wished he was there with me. So is it just that I'm chasing after that feeling of being wanted, needed and lusted after? Am I feeling that neglected for attention? Or am I a whore for a man's attentions? I need them all to be after me. And then I wonder when it all goes pear-shaped, how this turned out so badly?

Temptation is a horrible thing. He's not even the right man for me! I don't like men who have no sense of boundary or propriety. When he first crossed the line, mine found out. And he was slightly angry. You could tell. Who is this guy and why is he trying to pick her up??? And when he met him, he even told me that he was lusting after me. Men can tell these things.

I don't understand why this demon is trying to claw out of me. Making me want to message him or even write him an email saying "i've been thinking about you."

He said to me the other night, how he had thought at the time that he really liked me, and he thought that he could tell that the feeling was mutual. I'm sorry but I love analysing situations like these. I play the playful distant woman very well. I reel them in a little and then become mysterious and ambiguous. I will leave things open-ended and let you read things a myriad of ways. Why? Because it's fun, and I like playing with your mind.

But I already have someone. I think I love the thrill of the chase. But it's consuming me so badly. I drive home everyday and he is all I think about. The conversations go round and round in my head.

Is it that I'm aware of how much he likes me? I don't even know if I like him back. And why should I? I'm about to commit to life and death forever with no end with another man. This is INSANE.

Is this how all unfaithful women feel? Or even men? Do they just work on instinct? And then next thing you know, they've slept with someone else. I know that mine won't tolerate it. He would never let me back if I left. And I'm not even sure I would be sorry. It's hard fighting these temptations. I even know for a fact that the sex would be empty. It would be exciting because it would be new, but that would be it.

I read a book the other day where a character says: "it's not what you think, it's what you do that matters." so does that mean that I can be intellectually unfaithful? or even emotionally unfaithful? but that as long as i don't act out these temptations it's ok? i'm not 100% sure. the comment was made in an entirely different context.

I know now why I never continued the friendship much. I don't like getting rid of people in my life. I think it stems from my father leaving me when I was young. But I don't like exiling people. As a result, I usually try to make everyone feel like they are my best friend. Personable, as mine would say.

But perhaps I did wrong here. I need to make it clear that he's not important to me. But if I'm constantly checking my email to see if he's online, then that's not going to work. I don't want to be unfaithful to mine. That would be so hypocritical, and well, just bad.

How do I purge this man out of my life?

I'm worried that he's going to overstep the boundary again. I don't mind harmless flirtation. A line here, a line there. But last time he went too far. Ending an email with three 'x's is just a bit too much. Especially when you only met the person 3 weeks ago. And you know they're taken.

I am constantly grateful to all my friends for their distractions - often they help me without even knowing they are.

Irate Butterfly

2008-02-19T11:40:00.003+11:00

A few things are irritating me lately. The one foremost on my mind atm, is that I wrote an email to someone who last night was claiming how they wanted us to keep in touch. I know he's interested. I know I'm unavailable. But the excitement of knowing that he's interested made me do something stupid today. And now I'm constantly checking email to see when he will reply. And he's NOT replying. Which makes me feel like an absolute fool. I don't do the cool, calm and collected very well. Somewhere underneath that tough facade is a very fragile person. And when I open up after 2 glasses of wine, well, what do you expect? Anyway, now I wish I'd written a much cooler email, as opposed to the friendly one I'd written earlier. I just feel so stupid.

I'm also grumpy at my bf. He's applied for a job that would've been much better suited to me. And I'm angry because 1, that job is mine, and 2, it's in my neighbourhood. I'm just so much better for this than him. He's wasted there, and I have all the contacts. It's not fair. But I really should be reasonable about it> I decided not to change jobs because life at the moment is at a bit of a standstill for me. I want to start a new business. An at home kind of thing. But I can't do that, and start a new job as well. So I decided to stay where I am, while I try to make this baby of mine grow. But that means I have to sacrifice other things, like a job in a neighbourhood I know and will feel passionate enough about. I just feel a bit betrayed I guess, that he would do that to me. If I knew that the job was nothing I could do, that's another thing. But the impression I get is that it's one that I could actually do. Anyway, I'm just being silly and petty.

Nothing new really.

I mean, I even get the vague feeling that I was the one who showed him the job and went, hey, that'd be cool to do. And he took it and went yeah sure. And that's not fair! I don't want to be competing against him. Especially if it's a job that *i* can do. It's hard, since it's obvious he's overqualified. GRRRrrrrrrrr

Tempting Butterfly

2007-12-03T22:20:00.002+11:00

He contacted me the other day. Found me on Facebook of all places. I couldn't believe it. Although I have also been guilty of looking him up every once in a while. I've never found him though.

We bought a house about 4 months ago, and I am ironically closer to him than before. I have driven close by his house, when I go to work (it's a shortcut when the traffic gets bad), and I use the same train station that we used to frequent when I was at uni.

So I guess it goes without saying that he passes through my mind every once in a while.

It's strange. I always thought I'd never ever want to talk to him again. If I saw him in the street, I thought I'd be torn between totally ignoring him, being civil, or simply being rude.

Since this has been over 3 years now, you'd think I'd just let it go. But there's something in me that tends to hold grudges.

Being told that he never loved you enough to make an effort to keep you tends to hurt a girl's ego a lot more than you'd imagine. Or maybe I just have a big ego. =)

Most girls would probably just get over it. But after seeing his Facebook msg, I couldn't help but inspect. He's single - thank god. And he looks a little worse for wear. In comparison, I look pretty good, if I do say my vainself so. LOL.

He's been on my thoughts lately. I've been uhmming and ahhing abt whether or not I should say hi back. He didn't add me. Just msged to say hello. A hi, how are you? Hope you are well. The same kind of thing he's been saying to me the few times he's tried to contact me. And most times I've been quite gleeful in ignoring him.

But lately... I've been tempted. Should I rekindle this? Am I just playing with fire? I have a stupid tendancy to.

The last time I played with fire I ended up ending another relationship over it. And this time, there's a lot more at stake.

Am I just being stupid?

I think part of the problem/issue/thing is that there is that ever hovering spectre of "what could've been". We did get along famously. The only problem was that he was slightly immature. If you give a guy another chance, will he learn?

But what about my own partner? He's going to propose one day. He's been talking abt kids. We've been together for nearly 3 years now. We bought a house. It's pretty serious. Am I stupid enough to do this, when I have a stable relationship? A loving one?

Or maybe I should really be asking myself - am I even capable of love? I know for a fact that he cares more for me than the other way round.

Yet...

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe this will all go to nothing. Maybe if I cave into my temptations, I'll just start something I don't want to start. And maybe even if I say hello, nothing will come of it.

But I must admit, I feel a curiousity about him and his life that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe because he made the first move. Maybe.

I wish I was steadfast in my feelings. I wish I still harboured the hatred. But it seems to have been draining away from me lately. Probably due to the curiousity.

I've been updating my facebook constantly, as if imaginging him keeping tabs on my life. As if I wanted him to know how happy I was, and how I've gotten on with life. Petty, isn't it?

I wish I could wash him away.

But maybe, it might also simply be a chance for me to stop this bitterness. I hold grudges. For a Long Time.

I broke off a friendship of over 7 years because of one email. And I haven't really spoken to her since.

I saw her once at a store. I was shocked. She was civil and pleasant. I was standoffish.

I will admit. I have an ego the size of Kilamanjaro.

But back to the subject.... I am tempted. Very tempted. If only just to say hello.

But I'm scared too. Do I want to rekindle something? Even if it's only a friendship? My partner knows of him - has seen him in fact. So there's no real way I can incorporate him back into my life.

Unless I did it on the sly.

How can I think such horrible stealthy thoughts?

If my partner did this - I would be so hurt. I would block him out. Is it even worth risking? I feel so stupid even considering it. Yet, I'm still tempted...

Unfaithful Butterfly

2007-05-03T12:02:00.000+10:00

So I was away for a work do this weekend for 4 days and 3 nights - the longest time I've been away from the boyfriend for over 2 years. It's funny how much you can miss a person. The nights were the worst - having no one to cuddle with.

I met someone there. A photographer, whose face seemed to light up whenever he saw me. Albeit, I was with another work colleague who is so much more dashing than I. Tall, beautiful and much closer to this guy's age. Either way, his face lit up whenever he saw either of us, and he'd spend time chatting to us.

We bonded over photography and gardening. And woke up on Monday night to a bizarre dream about kissing him.

I know I have someone I love. I know that I am happy with my life. But the idea and the temptation of something new is quite enticing.

I'm sure he's not interested in me, and if anything he's more interested in my work colleague, even though she's married. i.e. I'm just someone who he's finding interesting enough to talk to. That or being a photographer on the road is a fairly lonely occupation.

So most of this 'unfaithfulness' is just me daydreaming. Just me being silly and making big mountains out of teeny weeny molehills. Just me imagining things that aren't there.

Hopefully it will be out of my system after I blog this out for good. Because I'm not about to ruin something great over something that doesn't even look like it's ever going to begin.

The boyfriend jokingly said to me last night if I was going to dump him for this photographer (I'd told him that this guy had at one stage offered to sell me his second hand slr - I'm in the market) and of course I said no. But for a moment there...

I think part of the reason why I missed him so much was because I constantly needed him there so I could not think about anything else. Is this bad? Does this mean I don't love him enough? Does this mean I'm just 'settling'?

We've bought a house. We're moving in on my birthday. And after that we're going on a month long holiday overseas. My work colleague reckons he's going to propose while we're away. We'll see. But I don't want any warning whatsoever. I just want to be surprised.

And little unfaithful thoughts like these where my imagination runs wild with the unknown, are just that - based on imagination - i.e. they're not real. Not concrete. Right? Or am I just fooling myself? I don't want to play mind games with myself over this. I refuse to ruin something good just for the sake of hypothesising. I guess I just watch people's lives unfold and I see mine as a pretty straight line. No major upheavals from hereon out. House, marriage, kids... I mean, you can't blame me for wishing for a bit of excitement right?

But every once in a while, I see the singles out there, and I don't want to be them. I crave sometimes for the freedom that independence (i.e. singledom) brings, but I think I crave the stability of a relationship more. I don't know. My mind's never been clear cut. But I just hope I don't get tempted. Because if anyone's going to stuff up, I get the distinct feeling it will be me. And I will have to live with that. Knowing that I threw away something that's so wonderful. Only me to blame.

*sigh*

No mind games. No temptation. Just keep your eye on the prize. No distractions. No love affairs. I know that half of it's just ego and nothing more, a case of "Ooo, this guy could be interested in me - how flattering!"

It's not a basis for a serious relationship, and quite honestly he can't be half as good as what I have now. A man who has stuck by me, despite him being the most stubborn man on the face of this earth.

Sleepless Butterfly

2007-02-19T04:50:00.000+11:00

So I can't sleep tonight. I carried a whole bunch of heavy pots up the stairs that lead to our house this afternoon. I did it partly in spite. Boyfriend would've taken forever to get them up and wasn't really willing to. So despite my bad back I went ahead and brought all 8 terracotta pots up. And now I'm paying the price for my stubborness. I've spent the last two hours lying in bed in pain, with a sore back. And with nothing better to do than lie there and find a comfortable position, I find my mind wandering.

Mum's been foremost on my thoughts. All her sacrifices and her silent displays of affection. She was never the 'huggy' type. Preferring to show her love through actions. Making your favourite meal. Driving you everywhere. Staying up all night to keep you company while you struggle with your thesis.

There have been many times in the last six months when I've missed her. Moments when memories flit through my mind and I'm reminded of what a sweet and generous mother she is. I know we both did things wrong two years ago. But I just wish she'd grow up so we could behave like adults. Sometimes I think she acts more like the child than I do. And being her daughter, I think I'm entitled to act more like a child than she does.

Yes, I know that she's been through a lot. And that she's emotionally vulnerable. Probably a lot more so than me. But hey, doe she realise what an impact she's having on my life? I know the phrase goes, 'it's not all about you.' But sometimes I feel like it is. I guess everyone feels it's all about them. And you have to find some middle ground somewhere.

But every time, when it comes to us, it feels like I'm the only one giving ground. She's all about face. Pride. I am the mother. You will respect me. What about my respect? *sigh* I sound so needy. So childish.

Today was the first day of our new year, and for once in my life, I decided against ringing mum. It's a big step for me. And in the back of my mind it's starting to worry me a little.

Here is another chance for her to put a black mark next to my name. Am I worried about it? A little. Is it the right thing to do? Possibly.

I rang her during Christmas and she hung up on me a few times. It hurt to ring her up on the premise of saying Happy Birthday (her birthday's on the same day) and have a curt "well thanks for calling" and the dial tone the minute she finds out who was on the line. Not even a chance to explain.

So I decided last week for better or worse to simply send a card this year. Boyfriend has been very supportive. Which is good.

We ended up having lunch with dad instead. If someone had told me three years ago that I would be spending my new year's with my father instead of my mother and brother, I would've told them to get lost and go find another sucker. I admit though I still felt a little bad, a little odd, like I was betraying my mother.

She did bring me up to be a good girl. With all the polite etiquette in hand.

And she encouraged me a lot. I've started taking up hobbies again. Yesterday I bought a second hand sewing machine that I've been battling with. But I'm imagining all the cool things I can make, once I sort this thing out. I started painting last week. And somewhere down the line I want to start playing the piano again, and maybe write a few short stories. My mother really did encourage me in any and all forms of creativity. And I really am grateful to her for nurturing all these qualities inside me.

She never once put me down. Always told me I had a talent (although talent's a dubious thing).

Boyfriend and his friends and family seem very impressed that I can wield a paintbrush, camera and sketching pencil. But to be honest, I think my efforts are fairly mediocre. They're nothing but learned skills that anyone can try. There are definately a lot more people out there with a lot more talent in their veins. I can tell you that. I've seen it in galleries, and local market stalls.

I guess I just miss her. And I'm unsure how my latest choice of actions will affect our relationship or lack of relationship. I'm waiting for her to ring me. I know it's never going to happen. It's like I've lost an entire side of my family thanks to mum. All her relatives are overseas. And I can't speak to them about it. It's just too hard. I feel like she is a wall, a gateway to my relatives. She tells them how she feels and it would be obvious that they would relate to her more than me. I'm just the Ungrateful Daughter Who Has No Idea What Her Mother Sacrificed For Freedom.

Everyone keeps on telling me to give it time. I will. It's just that in moments like these when you stare out into the darkness and all you've got for company are ghosts of the past, you can't help but feel a bit scared and worried that things might not turn out. As much as you hope they will.

Contemplating Butterfly

2006-10-27T11:13:00.000+10:00

Always make sure you have enough money hidden away for an exit, my mother always told me. Never disclose your full financial status. Always make sure you have enough so that if things suddenly go pear shaped you won’t find yourself in too painful a situation.

I’m seriously grateful for that advice right now. I’ve got a little stashed away. And as long as I keep my job or find something in the same salary range, I will be able to support myself – even with the car and credit car repayments.

We had an argument this morning. Nothing really major. Just one of those that makes me go into automatic defence mode. I watch myself react to these situations and find it interesting my first reaction is to run. I run away from my problems.

But what’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t really affect me. I wouldn’t be too upset if he left me. Is that a bad thing? The man I threw away my family for – I couldn’t really give (other than general ego and pride) whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In fact, it doesn’t even bother me if he tells me that he doesn’t really love me. Perhaps because I know he does. But at the very least it makes me question how committed I am.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And I wonder if in fact I’ll ever find someone I’ll totally fall for. Where not being able to see him would mean pain to the point of death.

Is it cold hearted of me? Have I done wrong? Am I using him? Possibly. Maybe I’m just looking for a replacement for my dad, like my mother claims. I don’t know. All I know is that as much as he makes me happy, I know I can step away at any moment if I really needed to.

I think I could pull myself together if things went bad. I wouldn’t be able to afford accommodation above $200 a week. I’d have no furniture and barely a life. But I could do it. And pay all my obligations at the same time. In some ways I think I’d like to be able to be forced into that situation. I think I’m pushing buttons to see how long it will take. In the meantime, the happiness and the good times are just bonuses.

Maybe I have an ingrained desire to hurt myself and ruin happy chances and opportunities. I don’t know. Or maybe I just believe I don’t deserve to have happiness like everyone else.

It’s 11. I gotta go check the car and make sure I don’t have another car fine. Food for thought on the way down I guess.

Mourning Butterfly

2006-08-17T15:12:00.000+10:00

Under the cover of darkness:

“It feels like he left me. We had a deal him and I, and he just got up and left me.”

“It wasn’t really his choice.’

“But I’d prefer if it had been.”

Those words touch my heart and haunt me more than anything else he’s said in the last 24 hours. Our dog died yesterday. Hit by a train. Still alive, until the vet rang us up and got permission to put him down. There was nothing else we could’ve done. He’d been hit in the head, and I think there was some mention of his spine being broken. When I saw him, I was gently reminded that his head had been hit pretty badly.

We drove to work today.

And as I got in the car, I saw all the dog hair spread across the back seat of the car from Sunday when we went on a nice long walk along the beach. There’s still sand everywhere, and just behind the driver’s seat, two perfect imprints of dog paw prints.

He can’t make those anymore. He’s buried in the backyard. A poor heavy body, stiff from death, bloody from his wounds, and his tail down. It’ll never wag again. It always waved side to side so furiously whenever he saw either of us. My partner in particular. It always wagged the hardest when he saw him.

It’s cut him pretty deep. And I don’t blame him. Our dog was the sweetest most innocent dog you’d ever met. And to meet such a violent death. To have to suffer so long. He came into this world discarded by his mother. My partner found him mewling in the streets. I hope this life was worth it. That the in-between times of birth and death made up for the anguish he had to suffer to arrive and depart from this earth.

I can’t even bear to clean up the living room. He was a reknown hair shedder. Everywhere he went, he shed hair. There’s going to be no more of that. I’m tempted to sweep it all up and put it in a jar. How morbid, I know.

The house seems so empty without him. Even when he’s not home it felt empty. But we always knew he’d come back. He won’t be coming back anymore. Sometimes I almost imagine seeing him there wagging his tail. Telling me that that dog I saw wasn’t him. It was some other dog. And here I am. Come scratch me!

But then I stand beside his grave and see his body there and I know it’s him. So hard to believe, but it’s him. His red collar. His cauliflower ear, with the velveteen fur on his head. It’s him. Without a doubt.

We saw him at the vet last night, an epic train journey home to see him one more time and assess the damage. When I was led in, I stood at the table and found myself petting his head, all the time whispering in my mind, "Silly puppy. Silly puppy." Too busy sniffing the rails to see the train. Silly puppy.

There’ll be no more laughter at his guilt-inducing looks. The wide eyes, the patented ‘I can’t believe you’re leaving the house without me’, the ‘if I don’t look at him, I’ll be able to get away with sitting on this rug.’

And in the back of my mind I always knew there was a chance he’d get hit. I’d lock the doors in the mornings, because I didn’t want him crossing that road, or finding the trains. I still remember the morning I discovered him sniffing the middle of the road and after I screamed at him to get off the road, he followed me down the hill prancing around thinking I would take him for a walk. And forcing me to walk all the way up that steep hill so that I could tie him up for 12 hours. He stayed around the house for a week after that. Poor thing.

It's been close to 24 hours since he died. They rang us at 3.30 yesterday. But he could've been hit earlier than that. That was just when they found him.

There’s so many things I wish I could’ve done more of. But I know we tried our best. We were hardly home. It wouldn’t have been fair to tie him up for 12 hours a day, five days a week. But as my partner says, “We fed him. We tickled him. That’s all he ever really wanted.”

I hope he knows how much he was loved, and how much he is already being missed.

Ex-Butterfly

2006-06-19T13:37:00.000+10:00

I’ve been thinking about him on and off in the last few months. Every once in a while he enters into my thoughts. It’s pretty obvious that he’s already over me, and I’ve made it pretty clear that I won’t stay in contact with him. Perhaps it’s the ego. Perhaps it’s the pride. Wishing and wanting someone to constantly be after me. But as in most cases, people get over each other and move on.

I believe he’s moved on.

Yet every once in a while, whenever I’m in the city, visiting old haunts (for my own sake – not to reminisce), I’ll think of him, and wonder if perhaps I might see him. What would happen if we did cross paths? Have we in fact crossed paths, and he chose not to say hello? Would I say hi, or would I make a point of pretending he didn’t exist?

I wonder how he’s going with everything. Did he end up getting a job, or doing that teaching degree he’s been thinking about doing, last I heard from him? I lost the long email he wrote to me to apologise for his behaviour. It went missing along with my email server. It’s probably for the best.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my boyfriend dearly. It’s just every once in a while, I get that niggly feeling. Wonder what he’s doing with his life now? I know that there’s no real point in mending bridges. That it’s best for us that we’re apart. Well best for me. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder sometimes.

I took a nap in the Gardens yesterday afternoon, and couldn’t help looking across the lawns seeing if I could spot a short redhead. I noticed a guy lying there with his girlfriend, and I wondered how I would feel if I found out that he had found someone new to replace me.

I think I would be a bit upset and angry.

It’s funny how the mind plays tricks and tries to insinuate that life is better on the other side. When all along you know that what you have now is good.

But I can’t seem to help it, every time I wander around the city, he pops up every once in a while. Especially when I’m wandering on my own.

I don’t mean to be constantly on the lookout for him. But every once in a while he crosses my thoughts. A fleeting admission that I would be interested in seeing how he is these days, if only to justify to myself that I’m the one better off.

Sometimes Butterfly

2006-06-15T18:40:00.002+10:00

"Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent coz it bit
So deep into my soul.
I want you."

Third Eye Blind ~ I Want You

Even after we argue I come away knowing that I love him. While we’re arguing, and while he’s being callous, I wonder if I have done the right thing, being here. Leaving a former life behind.

But after things are patched up, all I feel is the love blossoming deep within.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m lucky. If I’m more lucky than I know, to have someone who I know loves me. So many people go about their lives looking for someone. And here I am, lucky on practically the first go.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m here because it’s easy. If I’m trying to compensate. If it’s because he’s the first one who’s been really serious, and he’s considered fairly acceptable. And then, here I am just cruising along. Is it ‘real’ love? I don’t know.

But then again, do we ever know? Am I about to throw it all away just because I’m not sure? I don’t know.

We went and saw ‘wah-wah’ last night. I loved it. Portrayed how quirky life can be to a T. Seemed to say to me this is what life is all about. The ups and downs, the happness and sad moments, the tears and the laughter.

And then I wonder why can’t my life be like that? Or perhaps it already is. Perhaps when I look back, I’ll feel that same sort of nostalgia, and I won’t remember any of this uhhming and ahhing. Who knows.

I didn’t get my communications job, and I’m pretty sure I failed my exam for the other job I wanted.

We’re moving out of the city in July. Goodbye urban lifestyle. Hello again to 1 hour train rides. *sigh*

Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

Sometimes.

Preceding Butterfly

2006-05-23T13:17:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow’s my birthday. 24.

It’s a good number. It will be a good year. After tomorrow, there will be no more major dramas between myself and my family until the end of the year. I won’t be able to attend my brother’s birthday because I’ll be down at the snow. And mum’s isn’t until Christmas Eve.

Sunday was good. Intimate group of friends. In fact, it was a group that I’ve never had before. My boyfriend and myself were the only ones who’d been to any others. And I myself don’t count.

Mum told me she was ‘busy’ – too busy to celebrate my own birthday. So tomorrow night we’ll just have a quiet dinner. I’m wondering what I’ll get for my birthday. I’ve got a suspicion it might be clothes or something. Boyfriend went down to the big outlet centre on the weekend for a “secret mission.” Or so he says anyway. It might just be a big red herring. But he’s not sneaky or untrusting enough for that.

I have my DFAT exam this Saturday. A bit nervous. I did the sample test questions and came out with a measly 64%. Meanwhile, the other job that I applied for, they sent me an email yesterday thanking me for applying, and telling me someone will be in touch soon to let me know whether or not I’ve made it to the next stage. Bunch of bureaucratic bullshit if you ask me. Why waste the time and effort? Just send me a letter to let me know whether or not I got in. Thanking me for applying can be done with email. Sheesh. Talk about wasting money on postage and labour hours. =P

What else is new? I’ve becoming an ebay junkie, binging out on cheap specials, like 99cent auctions on ebay for black mineral makeup eyeliner, and $2 sample packs. My best buy has been the $18.95 (incl shipping) miessence mascara. Tested it out last night, and it seems pretty decent. I just have to make enough time to let the things dry. Not sure if they’ll smudge or anything yet. Since the organic stuff isn’t waterproof.

I quit out on yoga today. Just can’t bring myself to be cheered up. I’m always so grumpy after driving to work. I know it’s not my boyfriend’s fault, but I hate doing stuff wrong. I wanted to go through a red light today, because I was in the middle of the road. And he insisted no. He comments when I don’t drive in a straight line, or if I don’t see a car. And they’re good warnings. He means well, and is obviously trying to help. But it just makes me mad. I guess I’m just a bit too much of a perfectionist, and I hate being in situations where I’m not in 100% control. Or at least competent. I always walk away feeling so incompetent.

My manager is giving me my performance review on my birthday tomorrow. Talk about Birthday Presents. *sigh*

Anyhow, I may as well make the most of my lunch break and do some more surfing. It’s too F%$*ing cold to go outside today.

Emerging Butterfly

2006-05-15T14:44:00.000+10:00

So tell me, how did it get to May? It’s my birthday next week. I’ve organised a birthday lunch/dinner thing on the weekend. I’m tempted to ask my family to celebrate with me. But I’m not too sure. I know my boyfriend’s got or wants to have plans. And they definitely do not involve family.

I was good and rang mum for Mother’s Day. I even rang her to ask to celebrate with me. But of course, she said no. I feel bad. She has it in her head that I’ve basically cut off all ties. And perhaps I have. But maybe I just don’t like being told I have. Either way, I feel bad that I can’t celebrate with them.

But I don’t think she will volunteer any of her time with me. She will just wait and see if I ring her and ask her to celebrate with me. *sigh *

I think I’ve finally got the hang of the mineral makeup. It took forever to get there, but I wore it the other day, and it seemed to look nice. And I no longer feel as much buyer’s remorse as I did the week before, when I realised I’d spent about $120 on make up brushes and foundation, eyeshadow, blush etc. Meanwhile, I’m back on the organic skin care binge. I still haven’t decided what I want to settle on. And then there’s all these websites offering free international shipping and handling…

Looks like I’ll be living off sample sizes for a little while longer.

Boyfriend tried to be ‘manly’ the other night. Decided to cut up all the twigs that were dying from the bushes that the dog had killed, and test out our fireplace. To cut a long story short, we learnt the hard way that our chimney is blocked. And on top of which, we managed to set off the fire alarm. On a Sunday night. Nice…

Now the house stinks of smoke. Or as a friend told us today, ‘what are you guys cooking? Smoked ham? Fish? It was kinda appetizing in a strange way’

Yeah. Double smoked.

=P

In other news, I’m now the official Community Director for my Rotaract Club. Yaay! I get to organise charities for us to donate money to. And then there’s the annual lawn bowls charity. But at least I’m told we’re always guaranteed $2,000 from a local sponsor. So that’s good.

I’m on a bit of a ebay/retail therapy binge also. Just bought myself some miessence mascara for $19 off ebay. Followed by a set of $2 samples of different coloured mineral makeup – which I won’t be able to pay for until Wednesday. Can you imagine? There’s not even enough money in my account to pay for $2 samples. *sigh*

Work is boring as per usual. I just finished applying for another job, so we’ll see if I can make it. There are opportunities here, they just don’t seem like they’re anywhere in the near future. We have a new manager come in in mid June. This will be my fifth manager in as many years.

Talk about old school.

I had 4 photographs put up this weekend. And yet again I was proven right that my name can be spelt a myriad of ways. Only this time not only did they get creative with my first name, they also got to experiment with my last name as well.

Ah well.

There’s a competition on this week for a ‘sense of los or sadness’. I’ve been digging in my archives all week. Happily printing away. Only to find out I’m only allowed 4 photos. D’oh! So now I have to cull and decide. Fuuuun. Especially in a smoked filled house.

One of these days I’m going to get carbon poisoning. Ha!

We also went by Ikea on the weekend. I really want to make our house a home. Make it all comfy and hospitable. With ‘real’ furniture. There was a bed selling there for $95. I also want a credenza for my study to put all my junk in and make the place look neat and tidy.

I want colour schemes and accessories like vases and sculptures. I want photoframes and prints. I want coloured silk cushions and luxurious Turkish rugs. God, I’ve turned into a homemaker. Haha.

Right, well I think that’s all the catch-up I’ve got to share.

Angst is at a bit of a low these days. If only because I’m trying not to wallow so much and just get on with life.

I’m trying to share some of my excitement in life. Although I admit I’m still dreading my birthday a little. I just know she’s going to say ‘you never invited us or wanted us involved in your birthday.’

*sigh*

Watery Butterfly

2006-04-21T09:42:00.000+10:00

“Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time” (Blink 182 – I Miss You)

I had a strange dream this morning, where we went down south to a famous landmark of two blowholes in the rock along the shore. I dreamt that my family and I went down and watched the water – it was a rough day in the surf. And slowly the water began to rise. My family and I scrambled up the cliffs, as the water kept on rising. It was like it was alive, creeping up and dashing you. At one stage I turned to see all the swimmers who I’d seen down at the beach frolicking, now look at me in fear, telling me there was no point going towards them to avoid the water, or even to save them.

It was like a tsunami, but it wasn’t. It was like the water was playing games with me. And the waves were spectacular. I kept on wanting to take my camera out and capture the shots. The few that I managed to get, I showed my family members, but stopped after a while, hoping to conserve the batteries for later shots.

I remember being dashed up against a wall, with the water coming at me, and trying to put my camera at arm’s length to save it from being drenched and ruining it. And as it happens in dreams, it worked. I was dashed up against the wall from the waves, but my camera made it.

As I wandered away dazed, I looked through my camera lens and it felt like I was following a spirit of sorts. An ethereal presence, flighty and translucent. And I followed it in the hope of capturing a few pictures.

It began to get dark.

In the eventual melee I lost track of my family. When I found them again, everything was over and I found out that my mother had drowned. She hadn’t gotten away in time.

As I wandered back past where I had once run terrified from, I noticed body bags lined up neatly against the park fence. And eventually we got to my mother’s. And I welled up in tears.

Strangely though, as I knelt by her body she somehow came back. Coughing and spluttering, it seemed she’d only been dazed and lost consciousness for a time. It’s strange how dreams can make someone die, and then bring them back to life.

But the dream itself puzzles me. I’m worrying about a lot of things lately. Money. Family. Loss of Time. Absence of down time. Incompetence in driving. There’s a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day is coming up too, and I have to face that. And then there’s wondering how I’m going to break the news to my brother that we’ve just bought a car.

*sigh*

My boyfriend tells me that I just worry too much. Perhaps. And they’re just manifesting themselves in my dreams. I've been dreaming about my family a lot lately. I just find it strange, dreaming of water as a living entity, indifferent and malicious at the same time, rising up metres and metres to take over people’s lives. Randomly coming in from all sides, dashing itself up against walls and buildings. Creeping up and then retracting.

And even after everything was over, when I was leaving the area, looking back on a much calmer sea, suddenly it felt like the water was rising again.

And strangely enough, the water was always clear.

Drunk Butterfly

2006-04-09T00:40:00.001+10:00

I met some of his American cousins tonight. They seem to like me. I'm on one riesling and a vodka and cranberry. I haven't had a vodka and cranberry in a long time. So I'm a bit hyped.

In a bout of drunken honesty, I told him that I was scared about the relationship. That I was scared that I was too young, and that I wondered if this was the right thing for me to do. And then bizarrely I found myself telling him that no matter what, despite all my fears, I still wanted to be with him.

And suddenly, in a flash of cliched lightening, or in a bolt of self awareness/enlightenment, I discovered that if he had asked me to marry him there and then, I would've said yes.

I told him that I did in fact want to spend the rest of my life with him, despite all my fears. And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I think it's true.

I think I was so shocked in telling him the honest truth before I even managed to rationally process it, that on the train, I found I was pulling back up the defences. I asked him if he was more honest when drunk. And he gave me a bemused smile. I think he knew why I was asking. And he told me yes and no. That sometimes he was more honest, and sometimes he ended up just bullshitting more.

So who knows. I think perhaps time will tell. But at the very least I've admitted it out loud now, that I can in fact see the rest of my life with him. I never thought that would ever be the case. If anything I was more resigned to it than looking forward to it. I always saw it as a bit of a trap. So this is a very big change. And I think internally I'm still dealing with it.

But let's assume that I am in fact being more honest in my drunken state, I think perhaps I really can spend the rest of my life with him.

I've never felt this state of peace before. After and as I was telling him, I found the tears spring forth unbiddingly. And as we walked back to the station, I felt like I was floating. And the whole time I knew I was walking in step with him. They always say that couples who walk together exactly (left foot together, right foot together) are mentally/emotionally/whatever in tune together. And I've never really felt like we were. But for a few moments tonight I felt like we were in tune. Like I'd found a frequency where we were both together. We were on the same wavelength, thinking the same things.

It felt like I was floating. Not in a vodka haze, but more just in an emotional desire to be honest with him and myself.

And perhaps all my fears have just been that - fears. And not inner truths. Who knows.

Time can only tell if my 'honesty' is in fact reality.

Weekend Butterfly

2006-04-03T10:20:00.000+10:00

I had a lovely weekend, one where I completely forgot about everything.

Saturday afternoon was spent at the races, where every horse I bet on came third. But since I only bet $1 each way, all I won back was 30 and 50 cents. Basically I lost money.

Saturday evening was at the Spanish Club, drinking sangria and making new friends, and of course dancing my little heart out. To which one of the cutest guys in the room told me he had watched me dancing and I was fantastic on the dancefloor. I’m gonna make sure I get to know him well…

Yesterday afternoon boyfriend and I trekked down to have lunch a suburb away, and took the dog with us. Italian was on the menu, and despite sitting outside in the restaurant’s shadow, it was a lovely peaceful afternoon. I felt restored. It reminded me of the excitement that I felt when we first started going out this time last year. Some of the magic of that afternoon is still hanging around.

As we walked back home, we decided to take a look at some cars (since we’d been talking about it for a while now) and ended up taking a little astra for a test drive. Power steering I think was my favourite feature. The car was fairly nice. Although boyfriend has a few reserves about it being a 98 model. But it’s nice. Acceptable. I could see myself driving it down the south coast. And suddenly the world opened up for me again. Despite getting my driver’s licence, I never ever felt like the world was my oyster. I only got to drive intermittently, and only to places pre-destined by my mother. I never knew what it felt like to just hop into the car and drive somewhere. So now with this steering wheel in my hands, I’ve gotten very excited. Suddenly the world unfolds itself to me. And I can go places, no longer bound by train lines, bus routes or pedestrian walkways.

I’m hoping we can get the finance for this car. He’s trying to sort it out this morning. It would be nice to be able to go places. And the car is nice. Not my dream car, but very very acceptable. It’s pretty roomy despite its size. And we could fit everything we ever needed in there. Already I’m picturing big shopping sprees in places that were once considered ‘out of the way.’

We can buy furniture. We can buy big items. No longer will we be bound by how much we can carry! And on the weekends when we want to go south, we can take the dog with us.

Now that we have a bit of cash back up our sleeves, it won’t be so bad. The extra that we’ll get from paying mum less, we can now use to buy ourselves a car. And in between, we can put a bit more into the credit card *crosses fingers *

Have been having strange dreams of late. All containing my brother. The first had him disappearing into a coma for three nights because my grandpa (who passed away close to 10 years ago) ‘needing him.’ The second dream had my brother crashing into me at the shopping center and offering to give me a lift to the station, only to make a detour to pick my mother up as well. And of course, the minute she gets in the car, arguments ensure. Meanwhile, my phone battery was dying and I couldn’t get through to my boyfriend to let him know where I’d gone.

I’d say the synopsis of these dreams is that I feel like my family is driving my destiny and I can’t communicate this properly to my boyfriend.

Anyhow, daylight savings has kicked in. Time to face the real world again. Sigh…

Marathon Butterfly

2006-03-31T11:27:00.000+11:00

Grey dawn filtered through the cedar blinds. Every once in a while the noisy sound of a car or bus zoomed by. Slowly her eyes opened, and rolling over, she happily discovered he was still there. He had stayed the night. Looking up, she watched as his eyes opened to look at her sleepily. She smiled.

He rolled over to face her and she happily snuggled in. This was heaven.

~ * ~

I’ve been looking back through the last few posts I’ve made. All I seem to be doing lately is talking about money.

I went to see Syriana last night. Came away with mixed feelings. There were parts of it that made me think and appreciate. But the whole movie in general seemed a bit hotchpodged. Not like capote, which felt like a whole film. Syriana was basically a story about a large canvass with lots of different players, whereas capote followed one person.

I don’t know. Mixed feelings is the best I can come up with for that movie.

This week is a little better money wise, but only because we chose not to pay off some of our credit card.

The sky’s a bit grey today, and I think it matches my mood. I think subconsciously I’m still dealing with the implications of my letter to mum. While I went out and had a nice dinner (African) and a movie, followed by a divine dessert cake with a side of ice cream, mum was probably bemoaning the loss of her daughter, security and finances, while my brother miserably looked on.

Boyfriend’s in a foul mood over his broken wrist. I don’t blame him. It stops him from sleeping. It stops him doing normal things like zip up his own pants, or iron his own shirt.

Co-worker leaving for a journalism job. I bought a mango-coconut cake from my favourite cake shop and lugged the heavy thing back in wretched humidity.

I ate well last night. Sometimes I wish my diet and life weren’t so tenuous.

As I was hugging him this morning, I felt a little removed. It’s strange that this is my life now. It all seems like such a dream. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. Whereas, when I was at home, it was like I was floating in a bubble. Home was like the womb – and I was floating in my own little sac of ambiotic fluid. That sounds weird, doesn’t it?

Whereas now I’m out in the big wide world, I kind’ve feel a bit like, is this all there is? Is this really happening?

I guess I’ve got the grass is always greener syndrome. I know that I’d miss him terribly if I left. I am a lot luckier than some. And I know that. I’ve got a work colleague right now he’s going through the same misery I was going through a year ago.

It’s actually hard to imagine that it’s been close to 2 years since I first met the guy. And things that meant so much to me, no longer matter so much. Sometimes I find myself thinking about him. But I think I got over him by having my current boyfriend, who effectively swept me off my feet.

Except that sometimes I wonder if I’m just in this for the sprint, and not the marathon.

Sisterly Butterfly

2006-03-30T17:33:00.000+11:00

I gave my brother the letter and told him I would pay him less starting from next week. And suddenly I feel bereft. I feel so foul and guilty and miserable.

He’s my only brother, and I feel like I’m abandoning him. Off to a life of carefree existence, while he and mum are stuck in a hole. Barely scraping by and living a wretched existence.

I could make it so much better for them. But I chose not to. And now I feel awful.

He’s the only brother I have.

I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I’m struggling not to cry.

Treading Butterfly

2006-03-28T15:37:00.000+11:00

Let’s see. What’s going on in my life lately?

The biggest news is I’ll be paying my mother less (yes, I know, again) starting Thursday week. Boyfriend had a discussion with me, and basically pointed out we would need to move houses, if I didn’t start paying her less. Right now we’re basically treading water.

Not very happy about it, but at least we get to stay at where we’re living now, if I only pay mum $100 a week. It feels a bit like the ‘coward’s way out’ but it’s not like I can have a rational conversation with her right now anyway. So letter writing it is.

Work has been a shitfight all week. Y’know, I never used to swear until I started going out with my boyfriend.

I had the best kebab this afternoon. The best I’ve eaten in a long, long time. Every bite was divine.

I went to a discussion on foreign policy last night, and am ashamed to admit that I fell asleep halfway through it. $10 that could’ve gone towards a decent dinner, wasted. For half a glass of sauvingnon blanc, some salmon sandwiches, and a lecture by a Harvard professor, I spent $10 and got a nap on top.

* sighs*

I’ve been very thirsty of late. Not sure what that’s about.

Did I tell you? I got a haircut too. The hairdresser had to basically hold my hand in the process but it was worth it. I’ve got nothing but compliments since it’s been done. I’ve got myself a fringe – although not exactly what I’d planned on, I’ll admit that it doesn’t look too bad.

My boyfriend’s loving it though, so that’s gotta be a good thing.

His wrist is still a wreck.

My nose has been playing up in the last week. Continual sniffling in the mornings.

For once this week is relatively quiet. Boyfriend’s going back to the hospital for a check up tomorrow. I’ve got a rotaract ball to go to on Saturday night, and we’re taking boyfriend’s dad out to dinner on Friday night because he bailed us out this week. Dumb credit union billed our money twice. So now we’re broke until Wednesday evening.

One of our work mates got kicked out of his house on Thursday night. His relationship broke up, and he seems to be in a terrible state. I don’t understand it myself. But then again, it’s really his business, not mine.

Had a great afternoon at yoga today. Came away feeling rejuvenated, and a lot more stable.

And that’s all I’ve got for today. Random crap about what’s been going on lately.

I can’t wait for the weekend.

Unfair Butterfly

2006-03-24T14:03:00.000+11:00

Not very happy at work today. They took me off a report I was looking forward to working on. Something I’ve done before, something familiar, something that I could get lost in for a few days. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t really voice/express my concerns. Just generally unhappy.

Instead, he’s put me on this complex ‘numery’ report. Colour me thrilled.

At least I have a good dinner to look forward to – boyfriend’s gone and bought pasta and salmon for tonight. That’ll be nice.

Anyhow, I’m getting over my disappointment. I probably should try and do something about my unhappiness, but whatever.

Just got back from lunch – had thai to celebrate co-worker’s birthday. Feel a bit more content now. Amazing what a good lunch can do.

Right, back to work.

Obliging Butterfly

2006-03-23T13:46:00.000+11:00

A good relationship is based on sacrifices. It’s about compromises. It’s about showing that you care about them; that they’re important enough to you that you’re willing to give in on certain or all things.

I understand that. And I want to show that I am the best girlfriend that I can be.

He broke his wrist the other day. I’ve spent the last few days dealing with the Invalid. I cancelled my Rotaract meeting yesterday. It was a talk on MS (Multiple Scelerosis). Something I’m interested in because I have scelerosis in my back.

Tonight there is a foreign policy talk I want to attend that I’ve been looking forward to for quite a while. But seeing how upset and hurt he was, I told him I wouldn’t go. And while it didn’t seem that big a deal this morning, after looking at the reminder email, and remembering what the talk is all about, I’m kind’ve regretting it. I really wanted to go. But at the same time I feel very obliged to stay with him.

That’s not to say I hated my time with him. I had a wonderful dinner with him last night. We went out to have dinner – indian – for our 14 month anniversary.

In a way I think that his wrist has brought us closer together. Strange as the sentence seems. I think internally, I was kind’ve glad about the way I panicked and despaired at finding out he was in hospital. It felt like I was proving to myself that I did in fact care about him, and seemed to dash away some of those doubts I’ve been quietly harbouring over whether I loved him truly, or if it was simply that he was replacing something in my life that I needed. So the fact that I’ve missed him so much says to me perhaps he really is important to me. And deep inside, I’m really glad. Although I wonder if perhaps my subconscious is trying to play mindgames with me.

He’s dead set on me. I think he made reference to us getting married one day. And to be honest, if he asked, I’m not sure I would say yes. I’m too young and scared to make a commitment. At 23, I’m too scared to commit to one person ‘forever.’ The idea scares me. That he is the “last one.”

But I know that if I left, I’d miss him. He makes me momentously happy.

I guess I just grew up being taught that marriage is the End of the Road. And I never imagined I’d get there so quickly. Not that there is anyone else I’m interested in anyway. No matter how good looking the next person is who says they are interested, I don’t want to go through the whole rigamorale of getting to know them and being comfortable with them. That’s the role my boyfriend has. He makes me feel loved and secure. And he’s the sweetest man. I may not have enough experience to compare, but I think it’s enough. And often I know I am lucky.

If only that were enough to stop me from wishing I could go to all these events without feeling obliged to him.

Personal Butterfly

2006-03-22T15:31:00.000+11:00

I am not going to take this personally.

For once, I am not going to care what you think, I am not going to take your criticisms to heart, I am not going to let you affect me.

Quite frankly I think your methodology is crap. I think it’s inflexible. I think you’re all anal. I think that this is absolutely ridiculous, and there’s a reason why all your clients left you for us in the first place.

You’re too academic for this industry, and you’re a moron.

I am leaving in a year. For once I am going to stop caring.

I am not going to do anything other than my job. I don’t think there is anything you can offer me to entice me to stay, and I really don’t like your systems anyway.

I am going to laugh it all off. I don’t care that I am being criticised for doing something that I was hoping would be helpful for you.

I am not going to take this personally.

Work is just work. At the end of the day when I leave this office, you are not going to matter. The clients aren’t going to matter. If I really wanted to, I could throw in the towel today, and find a job as a receptionist.

I need a change. And you’re not it.

Call me set in my ways, but after five years of being taught to do something, I don’t see how your way can be any better than mine. If anything, I think it’s worse.

Email and cc as many people as you want.

I am not going to take this personally.

I have a life outside of this company. I have a life outside of this report. I have a life outside of you.

I am not going to take this personally.

Spending Butterfly

2006-03-18T21:29:00.000+11:00

They reckon the more I take it and get the same results, the more accurate the results.

I rashly went and bought three inks for my printer today, instead of going to buy the organiser for my desk that I'd orginally planned to buy. Shame. And I'm already broke for the week.

*sigh*

Every week there's something..

I took a personality test tonight. Some of it I find accurate. Some of it, not so much. I've italicised those thing I believe accurately reflect me.

The results are as follows:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion		60%
Stability		30%
Orderliness		40%
Accommodation		76%
Interdependence		70%
Intellectual		56%
Mystical		43%
Artistic		70%
Religious		30%
Hedonism		43%
Materialism		76%
Narcissism		70%
Adventurousness		16%
Work ethic		70%
Self absorbed		30%
Conflict seeking		23%
Need to dominate		70%

Romantic		30%
Avoidant		30%
Anti-authority		36%
Wealth		23%
Dependency		83%
Change averse		90%
Cautiousness		36%
Individuality		56%
Sexuality		63%
Peter pan complex		63%
Physical security		70%
Physical Fitness		50%
Histrionic		50%
Paranoia		30%
Vanity		63%
Hypersensitivity		70%
Female cliche		63%

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Trait Snapshot:
craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Rousing Butterfly

2006-03-17T10:30:00.000+11:00

The morning chill today made me want to embrace the world. It reminded me of happier times. When my boyfriend and I first started going out, and each day unfolds to exciting prospects. Every moment, you sit there on edge, wondering what will happen next, your heart pounds and wonders how he will try and melt it today. The chill reminds me of times when family was still accepting, and I could embrace both worlds, one foot on each side, before the cracks started and I had to choose which side of the rupture I was going to land on.

Either way, Autumn is here. And I'm going to welcome it with both arms open and striding forward.

I'm feeling good today. I bought some ear plugs on the weekend, and have started sleeping soundly, the first time in over six months. It's amazing how much you can adjust to without realising or being aware that things aren't as good as they could/should be.

The bedroom's at the front of the house. So cars, planes, and drunk pedestrians are a constant distraction in the middle of the night. Not anymore. With my trusty earplugs, it's all over.

Blessed silence.

Or as garbage touts, "Silence is Golden."

Have been slowly attempting to open my social circle. Joined a photography club a few weeks ago. Attended my first 'competition'. They do monthly competitions. One of my photos got an 'acceptance'. Not a merit or credit, but hey, an acceptance is better than no prize at all.

Among the comments were: "it looks like a painting." "It’s a piece of modern art." "You are an imaginative photographer." "You don't just take a photo of anything, you give it a bit of thought."

The last comment seems to me more of a diplomatic answer with no real substance. Something you say to a person when you're struggling for a compliment, and just want to point out certain things in order to fill in the gaps. Like the word, "interesting." very diplomatically sound.

But I don't care. I'll take any compliment I can get thank you.

So with the photography highs and the gradual accumulation of sleep and sound and vivid dreams, my attitude towards life is a lot brighter. That's not to say I don't continue to go through my bouts of grumpiness and irritability, but at least my general demeanour has brightened. I guess I just feel more awake.

Cantankerous Butterfly

2006-03-15T10:49:00.000+11:00

I've been so irritable lately. Been reprimanded and rightly so. But it doesn't change anything. Slamming doors, giving people dirty looks, it's all just so satisfying.

Don't really know what's really bothering me. I've been told i'm just too self absorbed. and i need to be more self-aware and not drag people around me down. Because he can't always be expected to coax me out of my grumps.

I'm just irritable. and so sensitive about the teeniest weeniest tiniest things.

Let's hope it gets better soon.

Parenting Butterfly

2006-03-08T23:10:00.000+11:00

Parents are hard people to live by.

They expect so much from you. They can try to relive their lives through you. Give you advice in the hope you "don't do the mistakes that they did."

When your parents are divorced - it makes it that much harder. You spend half your time trying to placate one, in order to feel less abandoned. You've already lost one parent. You don't want to lose the other. When sometimes it turns out that you haven't lost either of them at all.

All they are really doing is trying to love you in their own way. But, being young and impetuous, you don't understand. You don't appreciate. All you want is for them to understand you. You want them to allow you to make your own mistakes. You want the freedom to be able to do what you choose whenever you choose.

And that's when the conflict arises.

I'm always so exhausted, emotionally drained after a bout of tears.

I just got off the phone with my dad. I told him what happened two weeks ago between my boyfriend and mum, and while he made of point of saying he was 'on my side', he felt obligated to point out to me all the things I should've done in order to make things better.

The best way to deal with things is to not complain. To suffer gladly through it.

That's too hard for me.

Sometimes I just wish I could wipe the slate clean and have two 'real' parents. Two parents who weren't so obviously culturally different to the status quo.

But as my boyfriend points out - you don't get to choose your parents.

I'm too exhausted to type and analyse more.

Suffice to say that home life is a tangle of emotions, cultural etiquette and delicate egos that I for one am gradually no longer willing to untangle. I am starting to want to just walk away from it all and wipe my hands clean.

But if I want to be honest with myself, I'm not brave enough. They are my parents, after all.

Bridging Butterfly

2006-02-27T12:35:00.000+11:00

Friends are funny entities. The romanticised version is that they're supposed to be there through thick and thin. The ones you can always rely on. Almost like family. They keep you company, help you through the bad times, and ride the waves with you during the good times.

They're supportive, another shoulder to cry on. Helping you dissect that weird date, or untangling your feelings about a guy.

We'd been friends for close to 12 years. And suddenly it's in tatters. Insensitive words were all it took. And suddenly I can't look at her in the same way.

After I came back from my holiday, I decided to give it another go. But I tell you - mending bridges is hard. It feels so awkward. So strange. And I no longer harbour as much sympathy or goodwill towards her. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons - stubborness, pride.

She doesn't seem that receptive. And I can't really blame her. Her decisions aren't based on what I think and feel. She has a right to her own feelings too. Although she did admit that she felt she had become a much angrier person. A mean girl. Which is all fine and good. Except that what I feel is that she's become a lot more judgemental. And I don't like that. Especially when I make a point of never judging. Or if I do, at least never revealing my judgements. And it hurts to be judged - especially by your closest friends. They should accept you as you are.

While she repeats that all she wants is my happiness, somehow the words sound hollow to my ears. Things just don't seem to be the same. Things just are no longer as they seem - not that they ever really were in a way I guess.

I always knew there were areas in our lives that would never overlap. But after such a debacle as this, it is hard. And after all that soul searching, all it takes for a friendship to renew is, 'friends again?' Somehow that seems so juvenile. So kindergarten-esque. We're not in the school yard anymore.

Does she even realise how much she hurt me?

When her justification was that, "I was really sorry. But my apology wasn't good enough. So I stopped caring."

That's not an attitude that I really like. Obviously it's not enough. And considering I had to pull teeth to get that apology out in the first place? Bad form.

Maybe I'm being too petty? I don't know. I just know that I don't feel right about it anymore. It's more awkward than it is comfortable - and that can't be a good thing.

Friends come, and friends go. But with 12 years worth of history, you'd think it would end up better than this.

Just Butterfly

2006-02-27T12:16:00.000+11:00

We went down to the South Coast yesterday to check out a rental property. We decided against it for a few reasons.

1. It's too early to move yet. We can't afford it, our life isn't totally in order. We have no car.

2. The place was a bit small. Personally I found it a bit cramped. The bedrooms were small. And while I liked the idea of the door to floor opening doors, I wouldn't feel comfortable working with a full length mirror behind my back, and the door to the toilet/bathroom to my right.

3. They might not have been willing to let our dog run wild and chase away the wildlife.

4. The landowner was on the same property - albeit with a dilapadated house in between ours and hers.

5. No car, means difficulty to maneouvre to our needs - especially down south.

The photos looked so cute, and the place looked really lovely. While this was still the case, the place itself was in fact quite small. Even when you get to the front door, the place looked a bit squished. Not something you want to come home to. Not to say that i didn't look gorgeous. It did. Just a bit cramped on the sides.

Compared to our current place, which has large rooms and seemed like a mansion in terms of space.

On top of which, well, to be brutally honest, I'm not ready to move from where we live right now. I feel a big attachment to our place. It's our 'first'. And I do love the convenience of everything. The stores, 5 mins walk away. The train station, 7 minutes. Buses, trains. The only problem is the humidity and the noise. Especially since our bedroom is at the front of the house.

I'll admit that the south coast is tranquil. And with the dilapidated house next door - I would've found thousands of subjects to photograph. But the reality was, it's just not the sensible idea right now.

Home life, still a mess. I wrote mum a letter last week, and it got lost in the mail. So I had to rewrite it this weekend, and I'll give it to my brother this afternoon to give to her.

I went out shopping on the weekend. Bought myself some clothes - which made me feel good about myself. It also helped that boyfriend subsidised my shopping spree.

This week's going to be busy. Going to a political talk on Wednesday night, Heading off to watch Howl's Moving Castle, weather permitting, on Thursday night. And I'm hoping to see Girl With a Pearl Earring at the art gallery this Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to piece together my social life. Have tried to make amends with my best friend. To be honest, it is often awkward. And I hate losing people, or knowing that I'm responsible for losing people. Scared of regret. So we'll see how it goes.

Boyfriend's mates are coming tonight for a poker night. I might curl up and watch some tv or muck around on my computer. I'm hoping to get an early night in. In the meantime, there's still house cleaning to do.

How am I feeling today? Don't really know. Can't really describe. Not 100% happy or excited, but not exactly depressed either. Just, me.

Picking Butterfly

2006-02-23T17:03:00.000+11:00

Don't ask me why, but I feel like picking a fight today. I came out of a 3 hour meeting today, faint with hunger, and ready to take a break, get out of the office, and maybe dissect some of what had happened.

Instead, I was left to my own devices, and as a result, had to entertain myself. I ended up sleeping in the humidity, desperately shifting to get out of the sun's direct rays.

Now that I'm back I find my boyfriend's written back offering to go to the pub for lunch. Thanks for offering. But what's the point? It's obvious that he wasn't really interested. He's had this huge report deadline for the past week and a half. And he's spent the last week having lunch at his desk. Even when he forgot to bring our lunch in yesterday, somehow we still ended up eating at our desks. I'm sorry. But I'm sick and tired of it.

We went out to eat last night, and part of the things that I've discovered I love about eating out is that for however we long sit out there, an hour, or two, or three, I have his undivided attention. We get to sit and talk. But all he was intent on doing last night was eating dinner and leaving. No downtime. I hid my disappointment, but I tell you, after today, I'm really kind've sick of it.

Rationally you might take his side, that I didn't give him a chance. That I didn't get to express myself properly and wait for his response. But I was tired of waiting around. We'd both just sat there for three hours about a meeting that means imminent change in my work life, and the last thing I needed was to wait for him to reply back. I can't help it that my blood sugar runs low, and I need to eat.

I just don't care.

I really and truly feel like picking a god damn fight.

I'm really angry. And on top of that I feel neglected. If I told him, he'd probably just get exasperated with me, and tell me my arguments had no basis, and he'd probably be right. But I can't help the way I feel. I can't help it, that even though there is no legitimate reason for it, I feel so angry. And even though I have no legitimate claim to this anger, I still feel like I deserve sympathy - which of course I won't get from him.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. I feel limited. In some ways I feel like I have to live by his values. Which of course isn't true. It's just that if I don't, I have to live with the consequences. I have to accept that he won't be happy with me, and so forth. But I can't. All I seem to do is live for acceptance. And it's hard. Feeling like someone disapproves you. Especially when that person is your boyfriend.

I just feel angry. I feel like punching something and crying my eyes out.

I know part of the reason why I'm so upset. I wrote mum a letter on the weekend setting out that I would only pay her when she came in to see us. But she hasn't replied to me yet. And I've been on edge for the past 4 days. I'm worried that the letter never got to her. So I wrote my brother today via email, to check if he knew she had received it or not. But he hasn't replied.
I also haven't been sleeping as much as I should. I wake up constantly tired. I need to go to bed before 11. But I never get to. And the last two nights, I've gone to bed feeling like I'm sinking into sleep. I feel so exhausted at the end of the day.

Sometimes I feel so selfish and insular. Constantly wanting and wishing the world spun around me. Sometimes my boyfriend caters to it, and I love him for it. But at other times, like today, all I feel is put out. Maybe you can argue that I just didn't give him time. But to be honest, I felt like I was pushing for something that perhaps I shouldn't have to. I don't know. I'm just very Grr.
I know he's stressed over his dumb report. But I'm tired of trying to be understanding - even though I know I haven't really tried to be.

The money thing is killing me too. I don't feel right setting money aside for mum. I'd rather just give it to her. And while he constantly goes on about money being 'ours' I don't feel it. I don't feel like I can take any of his to use. Unless of course he offers to pay. I guess in some ways I still view us as two different entities. Sometimes I just wish I had enough money to not have to care about who uses what. But I don't. I need a second job. I need the extra cash. Not for anything in particular. But just for the security. To know that it's mine.

Past Butterfly

2006-02-16T16:27:00.000+11:00

When they first met, it was an uneasy relationship. She thought he was outspoken, arrogant. One of those who beat to his own drum. She religiously tried her best to avoid him. He, on the other hand didn't think much of her, other than noting that they had similar interests in politics, and that she was beautiful.

And then one day the tension broke. On the premise of going on a book jaunt to purchase related books for research, they began to get to know each other. It also helped that they were the only two who committed to the outing.

Chatting together, as he began his usual routine of picking on people in jest, she found herself welcoming his attentions. They had the same taste in music. She enjoyed his crazy notions, the tongue-in-cheek jibes, and the in-jokes began to amass. She kept her cards to herself, giving off mixed signals. It was nice to flirt again, to have someone pay attention to her. And despite already having a boyfriend, she began to respond. It was only after an incoming phone call, that he discovered she was taken. But that was ok. So it meant they'd have to be just friends. Just friends.

Soon they began to take the train home together. He introduced her to his friends, and they started to sit with each other in class. They began to spend a little more time with each other. A msn chat here, a msn chat there. But no more.

A little while later, her computer broke, and he offered to fix it for her. Under the premise that he took away her social life by taking away her computer, they began to talk to each other every night on the phone, discussing the day's class, passing notes and chatting about mundane silly things. And slowly they began to get closer, neither acknowledging the looming truth that she was taken. It was just an inconvenience.

One evening coming back from class as they joked with each other, in the midst of peak hour, he nearly kissed her. At the last moment they drew away. Him reminded at the last moment that she was taken. Her, barely realising what had just happened. She had found a niche for him, a 'guy friend' that she could do, talk, and share just about anything with, without having to 'put out.' He was company. The moment passed and it was like it had never happened.

A catalyst perhaps. As she stepped off the train, a friendly observer asked him how long they had been going out for. And he looked shocked and laughed. And in his mind, he wondered how much he did in fact like her.

In a sms to describe the ludicrous assumption, he laughed it off. She read the sms and laughed it off too. But in her mind, she wondered why he was laughing. Was she not desirable enough for him?

And so she set about breaking down his barriers to protect her ego.

Late night chats.

And the honest admission: "I like you very very much."
And his awkward reply: "I like you too."

And the butterflies started again.

There is nothing like the forbidden to make things exciting. To make a person lose their head. So enticing. So intoxicating. But soon the boyfriend was a forgotten memory, discarded, lying in the dust. He was after all, just an inconvenience.

Guilt set in after the first stolen kiss. And a hypocritical moral sensibility led her to tell her boyfriend the truth - that she had been kissed. And of course that she had allowed it, and kissed him back. He tasted and smelt different. It was new. It was exciting.

And soon the boyfriend was fading. Angry at the aggressor, lost at her reaction, he was still willing to forgive her for her transgressions. But she was lost. She didn't tell him about the stolen kisses that followed.

She excused her actions, pointing to his constant absences. "How can we have a relationship if you're never there?"

And on a rare afternoon when they had some private time together, she admitted that she was bored. She was bored with him. The holes in their relationship reared their ugly heads. She admitted to herself that the relationship was really just a sham. They really had nothing in common. All she'd wanted him for was the sex. And he was never that good to begin with.

Choked with the knowledge that she'd betrayed him, lied about her love, ensared him in her web, she felt compelled to let him down lightly. She made excuses. She used his love against her. Because she knew she could. Like a textbook breakup she used all her fears and transgressions as reasons for the breakup. But she twisted the truth to make it seem that he was the one in fact who had pushed her away. His constant absences, the abrupt phone calls, the dominance of his family, his inability to be punctual.She no longer loved him. She became petty, listing his faults. But always holding back the real truth - she had never loved him in the first place.

And so the karmic wheel turned. In the midst of handing in theses, her new lover broke. "Let's just be friends. I don't want to screw this up. I need to focus on this thesis. I can't be a good boyfriend to you now." And in her confusion, her hurt, all she could think of was, "but we can help each other if we're together. We can support each other." But her pleas fell on deaf ears.

Deserted, alone, the tears began to flow. The thesis got written, and she began to ignore him. He floundered. He attempted to remain friends. But all she wanted was a relationship. And he wasn't willing to play.

Finding solace in music, she returned to her thesis.

The semester over, the hell put aside, she reattempted to become friends. Confusion was the name of the day. He hesitated. In one last ditch attempt to rekindle the relationship, she asked him to commit. And despite his desires to do so, all he could see was failure. He got scared. He wanted to play safe. Conservative. And in the process lost her.

In an analysis of why they had gotten into the mess they had, the revelation came.

"I don't think I ever loved you enough."

The tears rolled silently down her cheeks. The final nail in the coffin. No return. End of the road.

Holidaying Butterfly

2006-01-27T20:52:00.000+11:00

I'm going on holiday for a week and a half on Sunday. Going overseas. I'm excited, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Who would've thought that deceit would be so hard? I'm not telling myfamily that i'm going away.i figure it wouldbe bad form,considering i juststopped paying mymother overhalfofwhat iused to.

man ihate this keyboard. i'm typing at home on my brother's computer.

i was going to type more,but thiskeyboardisreally shitting me.

the space baris sooooooostiff!

igiveup.

i'llchatmore later.

see you in two weeks!

Lying Butterfly

2006-01-18T09:52:00.000+11:00

I did a bad thing last night. I stopped paying so much to my mother, and i lied to her. i told her i needed to buy health insurance (false), that my spine was very bad - a lot more extreme than before (slight exagerration), and that I needed to pay doctor fees (true, but not so much).

I told her that we were struggling to eat (negligble)- to the point where I had plain rice for lunch. (true)

The fact is - we have a credit card debt. And I need to pay my share. But telling her that isn't going to make it any easier. The way she brooked no argument when I told her I could only pay her 150 as opposed to 300 resulted in her slapping my face five times, and later on a very vicious punch in the thigh.

What do you do when your mother tells you that she hates you? That I have no conscience, that I have been solely responsible for cutting off my family ties?

Currently I have been living on $142 a week. We pay rent, we have bills, I pay mum, I use the train. You would think that an extra 150 each week is kind've ridiculous to ask, when my mother says she is struggling. Ok, I'll be honest with you. Physio costs me $50 a month, and I need to swim twice a week (approx $5-$7). They're the upfront necessary costs. After that, I would like to buy one of those cushions for the back, and ideally get a massage done maybe once a fortnight, which equates to $30 a hit, and I have no idea about the cushion. $30 maybe? $20? So let's just say 20, and that amounts to another $50. So in all, that's $105 at least. Leaving $45 remaining from the $150 I asked for. Arguably then, I would have $192 left ($212 after I bought the cushion). Except that I need to eat. $50 automatically go to groceries - household necessities, and dinner/breakfast stuff. Lunch for two of us if we didn't eat leftovers, etc, costs around $20 on average. So that's 70. And then, I'm down to $122. In the meantime, we have maxed out our credit card. We owe $3,000. All my remaining money should go there. Except that on what I've got right now, if I run out of say, face cream, or if I want to buy a pair of shoes on sale, ($30) I can't justify it. On top of which, I have flat feet– which my boyfriend has been trying to get to me to go to the podiatrist to get insoles made. But see, those cost $300 each. Not to mention the consultation fee…

Ok you say - what about the boyfriend? He pays for the electricity, the gas, the water, most of the rent, and $50 to the grocery fund. We have cable, he also takes the train ($25 a week). This isn't including an odd night out, clothes, mobile, and general household items. We bought a fan the other day because we were surviving on the bedroom ceiling fan in 40 degree heat, which didn't do much. Our credit card debt is mainly due to the purchases we needed when we started setting up our lives - although i admit that $1,000 of that was spent on christmas presents to each other - a printer and a suit. but the printer has paid for itself in terms of gifts to other ppl, etc, and he's wearing his suit today to a work interview.

Meanwhile, my mother is screaming at us in incomprehension. I didn't realise my brother was giving her at least $100 a week. Which meant for the last six months while boyfriend and I are amassing a credit card debt, she had $600 a month - more than my own salary. During this time, my brother has got a $100 chair, they bought a plasma tv (albeit under $1,000), and six bookshelves at $30 a pop. I would love to have a bookshelf in our study. But I can't justify it. I would love to have a better chair for my back - but we can't justify it. Their house is full of food, while often it seems like we're struggling to make ends meet. And then you wonder why my boyfriend resents her so much - and this is without telling him about the plasma tv.

So back to mum - with $150 less, her income drops to $450, which works - if only just. But my mother pointed out a crucial thing that I didn't take into consideration. My brother's contribution. He starts uni soon, and on top of his study fees (engineering is very expensive), it's quite possible that he will end up earning less, as he'll need more time to study. So without his $100, it drops down to $350 - and that's a very fine threshold. Their internet/phone bill is extreme ($88 last month - see what happens when you don't listen to me about cheaper isps???) and the mobile bill I know, is at least $50 a month. That's half her income gone. Then there's the car - $25 a week, let's say, and the rest would have to be spent on food. What about water, electricity, land rates? And suddenly I feel wretched. If I was on so little I'd be absolutely terrified. On my $92 a week, I was relying mainly on the boyfriend to get me through the week. I can't imagine how my mother's going to get by, when she doesn't have someone to rely on - when the only person she could, arguably rely on, was me. And I've proven unreliable.

She also has a back problem. She's got osteoporosis, and she also has to go to a massage once a week. Which cancels her out of doing lots of hard labour. At her age, she shouldn't be doing hard labour anyway, but that's beside the point. The logical thing you would argue was for her to get a job. Except, it's difficult for a 50 year old woman to get a job. Especially when her work experience is limited. Her best bet would be to teach at a community language school. Although she just quit teaching because the pay was crap ($50 a week), for double the amount of work required.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I can't offer her anymore, because i spent the whole night making it clear to her I couldn't. If I didn't have that credit card bill, I'd pay her $200 and I would feel a lot better, because regardless of how much my brother gave her, she'd still have a guaranteed $400 which would feel a lot safer than $350.

My mother blames me for this entire situation and refuses to accept that she is responsible for anything. She tells me I've broken her heart for telling her that it all escalated over her refusing to let me stay over my boyfriend's. This is how I see it - if she can't accept me staying one night (she raved and screamed for weeks over it), how on earth was this going to work out? And it was true. Over the weeks and months, it only got worse, the longer and more often that I stayed over. She was already 'casting me out'. I went home to nightly arguments, stony silence, and debates that lasted until 4 in the morning on a work night.

I would've stayed, except, I came home one night to have her raging. It was also the first time she'd ever slapped me over this situation. And as I sat there crying miserably, noting that she was in so much anger and pain, I realised that what my boyfriend said was true - me being there was only rubbing salt in her wounds. It would be better for all of us, if I just moved out for good. So I did.

Fast forward to the present, and it's like it's gotten nowhere. I feel wretched lying to her. Especially when you think about it from a general standpoint - that $150 a week is a lot of money. Be that as it may, my mother doesn't have to pay rent, she owns the house she lives in, and she has no credit card debt. Sometimes the reasons echo in my brain, and I wonder if I can justify any of it, or if I'm just lying to myself.

I hate that I'm stretching my mother's resources so thinly. I could argue that she has savings. The fact is, she must have been able to save quite a bit anyway, I know my brother has a larger bank balance than I do. But what happens after all those savings are used up?

You could argue that my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out so much. He's used to a different set of circumstances compared to me. And his rationale is that we could afford a lot more things - if I would pay my mother less. He argues that she was being greedy. She admitted last night that she took most of my money as punishment. Why would you want to punish your daughter? Because she feels like I've betrayed her. She hates me. She hates that I was the one who ruined all her plans for the future.

I realised the other night why my back has gotten worse. I was stupid and helped my boyfriend lift a heavy tv up a steep flight of stairs. and in the process, I think two of my vertabrae moved. I never in my life felt such sharp pain. So I guess I only have myself to blame.

I see no way out of my situation. All I feel is misery. I feel like a good-for-nothing daughter, who despite trying her best to 'do the right thing' has failed miserably. I think part of the reason lies in myself. I have spent so much time spinning out reasons and lies for my actions. When perhaps I have not been brave enough to accept the truth - that I have done wrong. At the same time, I have so many people trying to support me - my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) my cousin, my dad (who seems to be supporting me, if only in lieu of my mother's anger and insupport), my friends - 2 of them, who have been through situations which are similar but not the same. One who fought to stay at her boyfriend's house, the other who went and got married and moved overseas.

I don't really know what's right or wrong anymore. But already I know I'm starting to regret lying to her. But the fact of the matter is, I dare not tell her about the credit card bill. And until that bill is cleared, there's nothing I can do. Or am I just lying to myself again?

Shopping Butterfly

2006-01-15T15:36:00.000+11:00

Working at the office today. Got lots to do.

Spent the morning going shopping using 'saving money' that I really shouldn't use. I'm getting very close to being back in the red again.

I'm seeing dad tomorrow night, so I had to get him a belated Christmas present. Coincidentally, there were also a lot of $10 'me' bargains at the store. So even though my boyfriend points out I have "so many clothes", I've just added another two singlet tops and a black knitted top. It wasn't my fault that they had all these bargains there... I can't say no to that.

Also talked myself into buying one of those velcro sandals. Y'know, the ones that has velco strips on all the connecting parts. Light blue, sporty, and very comfy. My old sandals that I used to wear to the beach and stuff died. And while these shoes look good with jeans, I doubt they will with skirts, but I don't care. Naturally, these shoes were also on sale. Only $5 less than rrp, but hey, $5, is $5.

I also decided on an anniversary gift.

Come next Sunday, it will be our 1 year anniversary. I've been scratching my head for days trying to decide what to give him. We agreed that we'd get each other something, because I had told him I wanted something from him. I'm hoping that's enough of a hint to tell him I expect jewellery. I'm hoping he remembers the conversation enough that he will get me jewellery. Because, well, I want jewellery.

So on that basis, I've been trying to figure out what to get him, and I've been coming up empty. I've asked all my friends and my cousin for suggestions. They've come up with stuff like a pair of champagne glasses, a photo of the two of us (been there, done that), sexy lingerie and a blind fold (meh).

I wanted something that was both useful/practical, and sentimental. I've settled on a wine cooler. Wait! Before you start heckling, I can explain! He's been saying he wanted one. So I've met the 'practicality/usefulness' requirement. There's also the implied romanticism, we drink wine, wine gets drunk in romantic situations, fill in the blanks.

This gift is also for the two of us. It's essentially something for the house. Something that we can both use, and sort've symbolises the fact that we're living together now. Sort've. It also helped that it was fairly cheap (not that price is a factor, although it kinda is).

Oh ok, and I'm going to put in another set of framed photos of the two of us, and maybe burn a personalised cd or something.

Happy now?

Ornery Butterfly

2006-01-13T10:55:00.000+11:00

Not all that great today. Lots of stuff weighing on my mind that I’m trying not to think about. Lots of conversations that I want to have, that I know is wise not to have. Because the fights just aren’t worth it. Lay in bed last night thinking that I’m over this already. Finding it all a strain, no longer exciting anymore. Feel very angry and volatile. Feel like throwing things and causing damage. Want so badly to be violent. Brutally violent to get all the rage out of my system.

I’m being punished. For trying to do the right thing. While we both originally took 2 weeks off for annual leave to go away, because I need to spend a day or two with Mum at the end of January, and I know she probably won’t want him there, he’s going off to New Zealand for 5 days to visit friends. On his own. By the time he comes back, we’ll be too broke, and he’ll be too exhausted for us to really do anything together. So while at least he gets to go away, I don’t leave this place. And I find this very unfair.

I accept that the situation is making it difficult, but at the same time I think he’s being a little childish. And I don’t feel like I should be punished. I have enough from my mother telling me that every decision/action comes with a consequence.

I just don’t like feeling punished. I hate feeling like I don’t deserve a holiday away because I’m trying to do the right thing.

And while I accept that he doesn’t want to help in any way with helping my mother in terms of money, it still hurts. Especially when it means I’m essentially on 100 dollars a week. And because I’m seeing my physiotherapist this weekend, it’s going to be closer to 50 dollars this week.

I’m also required to help with my grandmother next week, so that’s 100 dollars out of my savings account – where my savings account hasn’t had a single deposit in it for over six months.

I’m not saving. I hate relying on him for money. I can feel a sour taste in my mouth when I think about our situation. The best thing to do is to not think about it. But it’s easier said than done. The only way is to do my old trick of hiding. Get out a novel and read. Immerse yourself into a book, into another world, another reality. It’s one of the reasons why I love fantasy so much. Reading about dragons and magic and fairies are about as far removed from reality as you can get. I really miss reading. I went through a brief stint a few weeks ago, going through ‘the shipping news,’ ‘the constant gardener’ ‘girl with a pearl earring’ and a whole bunch of funny-madcap novels. I’ve gotten into a stint of wanting to read novels that are considered ‘classics’/’ modern literature’ – and coincidentally have all been made into movies.

I’m still feeling miserable. And the weather’s not helping. I hate feeling defensive. I hate feeling like I have to censor myself in order to make the days go by. There’s no point arguing. It’s just all too difficult and hard – especially when we have to see each other the next day. I think some distance would probably do us some good.

And I really want a new job. I don’t like him overseeing me. I get too sensitive. I don’t feel confident or capable with him around. I feel like he is constantly criticizing.

I worry that this relationship is starting to fray at the seams. Perhaps not for him, but for me, definitely.

I hate being angry at him at work for something work related, and then having to make peace or compartmentalize in order for us to be pleasant to each other when we go home.

I’m too tired. I think it’s too much to have him in every aspect of my life.

And deep down I do resent that he doesn’t seem to understand about my mother. And in his own words, ‘I don’t need to understand’.

To be honest, I’m chafing at the reins a bit. I feel a little pressured. I’m not really enjoying myself. Everywhere I turn, all I see are expectations. All I see are restrictions. I need to get away. The problem is, there’s nowhere for me to turn. At least he’ll get his overseas holiday. A break away from everything. All I get, is the knowledge that I did the right thing by my mother, and two weeks stuck either at home, or a few days down south with his mother – how exciting. Not..

I want peace. And I can’t get that while I’m trying my best to appear ‘good’ in front of his mother.

I don’t want a 3 day holiday. He originally promised me 2 weeks away. And now all I’ll get are dregs. And I hate it.

I feel so trapped. There is no break from this reality.

“only losers stay at home on annual leave”.

Well guess what? Thanks to you, I am a loser.

Thanks.

Rambling Butterfly

2006-01-07T00:01:00.000+11:00

So I discovered the reason for the headaches - I'm sick. Have been stuffed up and throat-scratchy for the last two days. Today's day three of Operation-Sicky-Butterfly, and it's going well. Boyfriend does not believe in cold and flu tablets - something about pseudoephidrine not being good? *shrug*

So I'm down to herbal remedies, since my panadol is at work. Basically rug up, drink water and finish off the oranges. Yeh I know.... like that's really gonna kill the cold.

Didn't go to work yesterday. Got as far as getting ready to go out the door, and sort've collapsed onto the couch thinking 'i'm so tired... i don't think i'll be able to do anything productive' and so glad that for once, I was ahead of schedule. So I didn't feel bad for taking the day off work at all. But I might go in some time this afternoon.

Money problems weighing me down. And of course, my mother - surprise, surprise.

Had this huge argument with the boyfriend two days ago about spending some time with Mum in late January before we went on annual leave. Instead, he's going on a 5 day international sojourn to visit some friends, and I'm just going to my mum's.

Again, the whole thing about 'timing' popped up. If it's so hard to get involved in this relationship and make it equal - is it really worth holding on to? He shouldn't have to deal with my mother - but he has to. It got to the point where he told me that if mum didn't accept him, then he wouldn't accept her. Except, he's never really done much to make her accept him either. He's not trying. So why should she? I get the feeling they're as stubborn as each other. In some ways, probably all three of us are stubborn. A stubborn triangle, eh?

My nose is stuffed =( It is so painful to fight for oxygen. My body feels overheated, but I don't dare take any clothes off, in case the cold gets worse.

Seeing dad on Monday. We have to go and get him a present, as well as buy him a Christmas present. In the meantime, since I'm broke after buying a Sarah McLachlan DVD (!!!!!!) and a new jacket, I've had to rely on boyfriend for everything, and will continue to rely on him until payday. I don't really like being financial dependent on him, and in some ways I don't think he likes it much either. I still need to get up the courage to tell mum in late January that I'm going to lessen her payments. It's not going to be pretty.

Sometimes, all the family obligations just seem so hard. And if they're so hard - then why bother trying???

I just wonder at times, if perhaps he's just here to let me 'find myself.' He told me the sweetest and saddest thing the other night: "even if you eventually left me, I'd still be grateful for having had you love me once". And me being soft-hearted me, just melted. Break ups are so sad. So full of nostalgia.

I just drank two cups of hot tea, and I can feel the caffiene crowding in my head. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to additives such as caffiene, alcohol and sugar. Although I guess there's good and bad things about being tipsy after one glass of wine. Less expense at the bar, but also probably a lot easier to be taken advantage of in the wrong situation. And then there's that whole stigma of 'keeping up with the boys.'

Lots of other things I could talk about. Don't really know where to start or if I want to. This cold is making my mind ramble all over the place.

...I have a cold =(

I feel miserable.

My head's all stuffed up, and my nose is blocked.

The worst thing is, when I lay down to nap, my head gets worse. I wonder if that has to do with where the bed is - barely 1 foot off the ground. We sleep on a futon on a very low frame.

Maybe I should just stop thinking again. And just try to make the most of what I've got. I only get 1 shot at my twenties. May as well make the most of it. And be happy while it lasts. I woke up this morning, looked over to my right, and saw him rolled over sleeping. And this feeling of ownership and happiness just washed over me. All I wanted to do was hug him. And tell him how much I love having him in my life. But he was sleeping. I don't think he would've appreciated being woken up for that.

There really have been happy moments. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm happy because he seems to fill a void in my life that in some ways I never knew was really there. He makes me feel special and wanted. And sometimes I wonder if that's enough. If that's what you can define as 'love.' Of course, the age old question really is, 'what is love anyway?'

So beleagured by doubt. So tired of the power plays between mother and daughter. So afraid to live my own life and not be scared of what other people may think. So terrified of losing people. So desperate to hold onto the people who think the world of me. Or at least keep them in my life. So paranoid that at the end of the day, I'm really not good enough.

Without my mother, I feel the loss of grounding. I feel the lack. She gave me a confidence in myself that I no longer have. It's like I'm suddenly adrift, cast out on the ocean.

She told me the other day that her conscience was clear and that she was a good mother to me. And it didn't matter that obviously i thought she was a bad mother. It's not that i think she's a bad mother. It's just that I feel she suffocated me a bit too much. And didn't let me explore my own true self without fear of criticism.

Everyone says that if she doesn't bend, she'll lose me. She just argues that I have to live up to the consequences of my actions. And in this case, it means she gets free rein to punish me.

*sigh*

My head's full of cotton wool. I think I'll go back to playing tetris. It's midday. Hopefully he'll wake up soon and we can begin the day. All my library books are WAY overdue.

anyway... i'll stop rambling now. tetris it is. yeah.

Doubting Butterfly

2006-01-02T10:25:00.000+11:00

They say make the most of what you've got because you only get one shot at it. I think it's easier said than done.

Sometimes I don't know who to believe. I've spent all my life listening to my mother, living her values and following her morals. And often wishing I could live another life - one of my own values and morals.

I managed to live my own - but I guess you could argue at a great cost. My mother feels like I've betrayed her and argues that not only will I never experience 'true' happiness, but that I've become a bad daughter. And that she has done her job as a 'good' mother and has no bad conscience when it comes to me. Whereas I will always feel guilty.

I don't really know what to think or feel about that. I get so confused. And then I just try to stop thinking about it.

I wish I didn't care so much about what other people thought and felt about me. There are still many times when all I really want is the other person to like me. And so many times when I wish that I was a stronger person with stronger convictions. Because so often it feels like it doesn't really take much for me to crumble and fall.

My head aches a little. I think it's from oversleeping. I've slept around 8 hours. And as pleasant and lovely as the overcast cool day is in comparison to yesterday's unbelievable 43 degrees, I can't soak any more coolness in.

My head aches, I feel a little miserable and sorry for myself.

I guess I'll never know if I made the right decision until it's too late. Or maybe I'll spend my life never knowing, and continually doubting myself. Maybe that's the bane of my life. I can potentially see myself one day packing up and leaving of my own volition.

It's bad to say, I know. But sometimes I wonder if commitment really is the right thing for me.

It scares me to see the word 'defacto' and know that in a month or two, that term will apply to me. What happened to my freedom? I know it's the wrong way to look at things. But I can't help it sometimes. I'm only 23.

It's 10.30. I think I'm going to find some food.

Current Butterfly

2006-01-01T12:51:00.000+11:00

Another year.

I guess it means I should pause and reflect.

This time last year I was reading a blog about a girl who had just moved out of home, and her relationship with her mother was in tatters as a result.

I never imagined that in a year's time, I would be writing the exact same thing.

I went to a New Year's Eve party last night and was asked what was the most biggest thing that happened to me this year. Without a doubt it would be my boyfriend. Because of him I moved out. Because of him my relationship with my family has essentially deteriorated. Because of him I'm doing laundry in 40 degree heat while he's fast asleep on the couch. =P

I no longer feel resentful about it all anymore. The road has been too long in getting to here. And there's no point turning back. Sometimes I'm still scared, wondering if I've done the right thing, being with him. If I'm back pedalling again, or just treading water. It's comfortable, it's pleasant, and there are moments of happiness when I feel loved, cherished and cared for. I don't know if this is true love but I'm here, so I should make the most of what I've got.

He tells me that he's the lucky one and that he knows he's lucky to have me. Maybe I'm just too young to know what this is, and maybe I can't really appreciate this on a deep level, but I'm here now, and as my friend said to me the other day, I really have to make the most of what I've got. Everyone keeps on telling me you only get to be this age once. So am I throwing it away by being with him, and not being able to play the field? I don' know. But I'd be stupid to throw this out in order to find out.

I never imagined my life would turn out this way, and I know the cliche in that statement.

Anything more than that, I can't really say.

All I know is that I'm here now.

And I guess that's all that matters.

Befriending Butterfly

2005-12-11T22:41:00.000+11:00

I'm talking to my friend on msn. A friend that I haven't spoken to in over 2 months or more. We fell out over her being critical of me. Guess I can't really take criticism eh? I didn't feel she was supportive of my actions. No one seems to understand that I do in fact care about my family and that they are important to me. Perhaps I'm the one in denial. Who knows.

But I'm sitting here chatting to her, wishing in my heart of hearts that she'd give me an apology. But in my desperate attempt not to be too dramatic and lose a friend (even though you may argue I already have - out of my own choice) I have let her off easy.

The more I sit here, the more I wonder:

a. why are we friends?
and
b. do I really care all that much about her and my bunch of school friends? Or am I just being stubborn?

And here I go being all honest and upfront. Because, oh I don't know why because. Because I don't feel comfortable otherwise? Because I want to live up to the ideals my boyfriend has placed on me?

I asked him one night why he loved me. And he told me because I was 'true'. And even today he pointed out that I just told things as they were. So having said all that, perhaps I am trying to live a little too hard that idea of being 'true'? I don't know.

I remember telling my counsellor one time how when I was young I refused to be friends with certain people. I was in fact a bit of a snob. Still am in some ways. The kids who were never really nice to me in school would wave and say hello, I would turn my head and pretend they didn't exist. My reasoning at 5 was that if they couldn't be bothered showing me their kindness at school in front of their friends, then why should I show them mine? Be it inside or outside of school? Although as I type this up, I am wondering if perhaps I just didn't recognise their attempts to be friends with me, this feeling of stubborness has stayed with me throughout my life.

I remember having those same thoughts when I was 12, and 16. Why bother being nice to me outside of school when no one is there to see you doing it, when you obviously care enough about peer pressure not to do it when there are people watching...

Anyway, my counsellor suggested that this was a strength rather than some derogatory anecdote to prove how snobbish and stubborn I was.

I really am quite mixed up about my own personality sometimes.

So here I am chatting to her on msn, and rather than pretend everything is ok, which it isn't in my mind, I'm breaching this subject. Bringing it up and telling her how much she hurt me. Call me egotistical, but I can't help it if I feel like sometimes like it's all about me. There's no point me trying to be friends or whatever with you if I can't feel comfortable to be with you in the first place.

Financial Butterfly

2005-12-05T22:43:00.000+11:00

So it's been a while since I've posted. Life plods on. News today that the job he's applying for has a salary of six figures. He tells me that if he gets this job, he'll become a consumer. "I've never had that much money before." Either have I.

A few hours after that revelation, I am starting to think. How does our situation change once he gets so much money? Is it all his? Will he give me some, or will he only spend it on me when I am there? Do I get to touch that money? Probably not. I think he's still adamant on the whole, 'your money is yours to do with as you will.' And his money is his to do with as he wills.

Things have quietened down with him. Had a sweet talk with him last night. But home is as awkward as always. Don't really want to go into it.

Suffice to say, that I was watching scrubs, of all things tonight and the doctor had this psychologist who was so helpful in pointing out his foils etc. Made me wish I had a doctor like that. But I always seem to run after the second session.

Our house is coming along well. I've got my new fandangled epson r800 and it's working like a charm.

See, back to topic though, how does it work that he gets all the money? I don't like knowing that he earns so much more than me, and that I only get my hands on it through proxy. For eg, he might spend a bit more on groceries, and if I'm with him, I'll get to buy a few goodies with his money. What I'd prefer instead is if I could use his money myself. For eg, I'm going out to lunch and I feel like getting a frozen yoghurt. Instead of trying to curb this craving, I can buy it, secure in the knowledge that a. we can afford it, and b. technically it's his money.

Am I being selfish? I dunno.

Like he pointed out the other day, he doesn't care about money the same way I do. This from the man who took one of those fun personality tests that had money right at the top of his list. ha! =P

anyway, it's getting late, and I need to go to bed. But I can't help but still think about all the issues that come with him getting a higher salary (not that it's all confirmed yet). But to be honest, right now I can't help but wish/hope he doesn't get it. Being poor together is a lot more reassuring/comforting in a strange way than one person getting a siginficant rise and the other remaining on the same salary.

Or maybe it's just me.

Resentful Butterfly

2005-11-12T11:56:00.000+11:00

Why is it that money always makes people miserable? Too much of it and you end wondering if people like you because of your money or if they like you for who you really are. Too little money, and you end up scrimping and accusing other people of taking away the little money you have.

We had a 'talk' this morning. He's no longer (not that he ever did) going to help out with mum. He's not happy to help me share the burden that is my mother. In fact he's starting to resent that she has any power over our money at all. He hates the fact that he's poor. He's got a point. After all, she's not his mother. She's mine.

At the same time though, I feel like I've been left alone. Set adrift on the ocean and unable to float. It's like he's left me to sink. I feel all alone.

My salary is like this: 592 a week. 300 of that goes to mum, leaving 292. Of that 292, he expects me to pay 150 rent - leaving 142. Then there's the 50 for groceries. That takes it down to 92. On top of that, I'm going to be expected to pay for our visa bill. Which accounts for another 150 - or maybe just however much I can afford. And suddenly I'm in the red. I can't afford anything. No lunch, no dinner, no food. On top of that I have bills to pay.

But I can't complain to him. Because he tells me it's my choice. My decision. I hate the fact that I feel like I want to be walked over. But what does it matter?

He says that he's starting to resent my mother - but instead I find that I'm starting to resent him.

It was my decision to move out, despite my mother's constant warning that I couldn't afford it. I guess I didn't think it through properly, and I've always been easily pressured, to the point where I'd just prefer to have someone else make all the decisions for me.

I really am feeling very sorry for myself. I want to pretend that I can do this. That I can be strong and save and scrimp. But truth of the matter is, I can't. And I can't tell anyone about it. No one will have any sympathy for me. He's like a wall. You have choices. And you need to understand that if you do one thing they can affect other things. Easy for him to say when he earns a hell of a lot more than me. Alright not so much more, but two hundred is still a lot.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back home. Where it's easy. And I'd sit there and put up with all of mum's angry diatribes in order for me to be at home. I don't really want to go out there and live my own life. I'm too scared of doing right - like now for example.

Why was I so stupid to leave? Why do I always think the grass is greener on the other side? Why am I even here?

My cousin tells me that money shouldn't matter. She tries to guide me, asking me what is it I want, and am I happy? If money wasn't an issue, yeah, I'd be happy. But right now all I feel is alone. All I feel is that I'm left out on my own. Once the visa bill gets paid off he can be happy and secure in his money. I can't. And while he points out that I can - all I have to do is stop paying mum so much, it's easier said than done. He doesn't have the family obligations that I do.

His family has never asked anything of him. My culture expects the young to take care of the old. And mum's just not reasonable enough to talk to. Or maybe I'm just too scared to talk to her about it.

Wherever I look, all I find are closed doors - even him. He once said to me that he didn't need to understand.

..is money really worth breaking up over? It all just seems so hard. At the same time, am all I going to do in this life, is just run away?

We're buying a printer. For me. For Christmas. 565. I am so tempted right now to just say no. After all, how often am I going to use it anyway? I don't really want anything.

I'm feeling all morose and sorry for myself. I want to be perfect I want to feel the bitter taste of martyrdom.

He wanders around like everything is ok. And I can't rationally do anything. I have to have reasons for my outbursts otherwise he just starts up and then we have these huge arguments where I end up being wrong. I'm tired of being wrong. For once, I just want to be right.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone who will properly understand. I wonder sometimes if this relationship is even as cracked up as I'd like it to be. Do I even understand what love is all about? I don't think so.

I can't expect him to take care of me - not the way I want to, and I have to accept that he has his own feelings. He is an individual and not someone I can control or expect from. I have to stand on my own two feet.

But at the same time I get the feeling that I might well have to starve in order to stay here. I want so much to hold onto my pride and dignity and not ask anything of him. At the same time, I know my situation.

He is a hard taskmaster.

Sometimes I just wish I could be mean. I have it in me. I can see all the arguments that people can hold against me. Hell, you could just call me a money-mongering whore if you wanted to. All I ever used him for was money and sex. Sometimes I really don't understand what love is.

He's always got the moral high ground and I'll never have enough confidence to believe that I might be right.

Misery. All I feel is misery.

Floating Butterfly

2005-11-11T09:22:00.000+11:00

I'm happier today. I feel much lighter than I have been the last few weeks. And it's all due to one thing. One teeny weeeny eensy thing that in the big scheme of things is like a blip on the stratosphere.

Mum told me to take care this morning. I went by her room to let her know I was leaving, and in a calm voice - much similar to the way she used to speak to me before this all blew up.

And suddenly I started floating. It doesn't matter how much you know that someone cares or loves you - it's when they start expressing it in the most basic way - by voice, that it sinks in and impacts. I know there's an argument that actions speak louder than words, but the affirmation by words does so much to emphasise. It does so much more.

And I'm floating.

Meanwhile, I had a nightmare. Similar in content to one I've had before. This time round I dreamt that I was being seduced by a work colleague/executive. And while I refused his advances, this man went to the point of killing my boyfriend. He lay there on a hospital bed getting surgery performed on his skull. Complicated. It was the same feelings of helplessness and loss. And my reading is that yet again I felt like a masculine part of my psyche felt repressed or dead.

I know why I would subconciously think/feel this. I was like a cowed dog around mum last night. We wandered the shopping centre, and I spent the entire evening at her beck and call. I think even she got sick of it after a while and by the end of the night she was forgivingly gruff. I think she felt better that I was trying so hard to please.

I have lots of issues. Self-esteem, in the deepest sense. None of this 'i'm not good enough for happiness' sort of thing. Rather, just a general sense of trying to do things so people will like me. To be honest, I don't think I really know deep down who I am. I am satisifed with myself to an extent, and I do in fact exude a type of confidence. But deep underneath those layers of social politeness, I find myself creating my personality out of those very social mores. I want to be the 'perfect daughter' the 'perfect girlfriend' the 'good girl.' The wholesome down to earth in your face lovable girl. But it's just not possible. And sometimes I wonder if my fault lies in wanting to be perfect.

It makes me wish I could break through all of this. And come out the other side with a true sense of confidence. Much more willing to stand up for myself, and less wanting to not hurt other people. I think I took that adage, 'treat people as you would like them to treat you' a little too much to heart. My boyfriend calls me a sweetheart for doing what I do. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and sometimes this belief has become so ingrained in the way I act, that I can't help it or stop it.

Either way, I feel like I'm floating today. Let's hope it lasts.

Overthinking Butterfly

2005-11-08T16:02:00.000+11:00

Came across this song today. Encapsulates all the things that have been wandering around in my head the last few weeks - in particular days like last Friday:

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

And none of these thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so badI need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh[thinking and thinking]
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh[thinking and thinking]

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh[thinking and thinking]
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
save me ah wooh[thinking and thinking]
Ok so here we go
If it works I'll let you know
One two three I say stop

Jem ~ Save Me

Longing Butterfly

2005-11-04T11:50:00.000+11:00

I’m listening to ‘21’ by Melissa Tallon. And it’s bringing back memories. The beginning of a relationship is always so exciting. So thrilling. So new.

We don’t have a song. We have no true defining moments. Just moments when there’s been threats to leave. The excitement all essentially ended when he started questioning me – why I couldn’t do this, why I couldn’t do that. And when it got to the point where he said, “my ego just won’t take it. It’s fine if you are at a stage where blah blah blah, but I’m not. I can't stay. I have to move on.”

And I could hear my hopes crumble. The dream shattered. And reality began to sink in. And then it was all a slippery slope on a dark and windy night. Cliff-side, crumbly rock and dashing rains.

But for a little while…. Everything was new and exciting. Days and evenings tinged with pink sunsets and all pastel clouds in hues of pink, mauve and crimson against a pale blue sky.

Afternoons of frenzied and tender love-making, tangled cotton sheets, the coolness of the tiles the bare walls, the coastal breeze lifting the oppression of summer heat. It’s close to a year since this all started. Since you began to take an active interest in me, and offer me rides home – an hour and a half on the roads, half an hour out of your way. And me so clueless and grateful for not having to brave the summer commuter traffic or pay for a weekly train fare.

You introduced me to a world of fancy dinners, opera, and what it means to be loved by a man. It all seemed so exciting. So much above and beyond my own life – which had become dreary and dull in comparison. Boring. Been there, done that.

But these days when I go home, and wake up and smell the familiar smells that characterise ‘home’ and my past, I can’t help but feel the waves of nostalgia wash over me. And wish for better days – an easier life. When I wasn’t required to do any more than come home and sit in front of the television, eat dinner, wash dishes – if I felt like it – and then retreat to my room to surf the net. And all the while I had a mother who adored me and worshipped the floors I walked on.

These days, she talks to me mainly through my brother. “Ask her if she wants any salad” “Does she want any breakfast?” Like I was a friend of his who doesn’t speak her language and needs him to translate. At least she’s not screaming at me anymore.

I wish I could put all my feelings onto this screen. I wish I could express all these emotions that are rolled together. They’re almost tangible. I can almost imagine the tangled ball in my hands, and I’m so tempted to just dump them all on here. But I can’t. because emotions aren’t physical. I can’t put them on this screen. I can’t leave them here on the ether. I can’t throw them into the abyss.

At the age of 23, I can honestly say that I have regrets. I regret the way I left home. That feeling of loss and betrayal of myself, wounded me to the core. Well, maybe not to the core per se, but enough to leave a lasting impression on me. And I wish I had her blessing on all of this.

My life seems so surreal these days. If I don’t think about it, I just go through the motions. But mum’s right in a way – there’ll be no true excitement when we get married. It will all be old school. Been there. Done that. House shopping? Done. New sheets, furniture, kitchenware, done that too.

The romance is out of this relationship. Now it’s just tender love. We’ve begun to take the love for granted a little. I can feel us settle into routine. We come home, make dinner, watch tv, cuddle a little on the couch and tell each other how much we love them, then go to bed. We wake groggily in the morning and go to work. And the cycle repeats. Wash, rinse, dry.

And yet strangely, it's still more exciting than my old life. Except when I pause to sit down and think about it. And I wish for the familiar trappings of family.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Greedy Butterfly

2005-11-02T11:12:00.000+11:00

I never thought money was important to me. It was always something that passed through my hands like water, and I splashed and played around in it at whim. I’ve never had much of it. But I’ve never been particularly possessive. But these days I find myself coveting it. I need more money. And the more I spend, the more I get resentful. I don’t think I do very well at sharing.

Dinner was 100 dollars last night – and that was the deal on a set menu. God forbid how much it would have been if we’d ordered a la carte.

I bought him a suit for Christmas. Another 600 on the credit card bill. We’re never going to pay any of this money off. And meanwhile, my mother is ever omnipresent in my mind. A lurking, lingering shadow that never ceases to exist. Constantly haunting my existence and making my life a misery. Of course, that is all because I can’t let it go. I can’t accept the realities and consequences of my decisions.

I didn’t bet on the races yesterday and listening to my work colleagues talk about how they won 300 dollars on the favourite makes me grumpy. It makes me wish I had taken a punt, and gone ahead and made a bet. I need the money. And I hate the fact that I need money so badly. I’m counting and pinching every penny. I get resentful when he spends. I’m unhappy.

I just want to crawl back into bed and roll over and sleep.

I’m supposed to get my new modem today (assuming they remember to bring it in) and I’ll have to spend money again. My bank account despite my big tax dividend is slowly starting to deplete. I shouldn’t have bought that mobile phone. Even though I know it was a bargain.

I hate that I’m coveting money so badly.
I hate, I hate, I hate.

Phoning Butterfly

2005-10-28T09:23:00.000+10:00

The led light blinks at me every few seconds. Innocent and harmless, flashing in the corner of my eye. The light changes colour, purple, teal, green, white, chasing each other like a dog chasing its tail. There it sits on my desk - my new ebay purchase. My first ebay purchase. And quite possibly, my last ebay purchase.

How to explain? Put into words? Attempt at eloquence?

I bought a Panasonic vs3 on ebay last week after much ummhing and ahhing. And it arrived bright and early this morning. I’ve been sitting here looking at it, and the led has been winking back at me. And so here I sit with a big case of buyers remorse.

No hands free (even though it’s a mp3 player, and there’s no point having a mp3 player if there’s no hands free to listen to it), no software disk, even though it’s got infrared, and just because I didn’t buy a usb cable doesn’t mean I won’t want to connect this mobile to my computer, and who wants a crappy lcd screen sticker anyway? We rip those things off the minute we get them. Not to mention the fact that the cover provided was different to the girly cover I wanted. And then there’s the fact that the gprs browser is in bloody chinese. Remind me again how I can surf with that? Not of course that I would ever be using gprs anyway – so bloody expensive.

But, for 200 dollars less than retail price, oh ok, maybe 100 less once you include shipping etc, I guess I shouldn’t really complain. And it does have a nifty English-chinese dictionary which is kinda cool. Although all the java games just elude me – like I’d really be sitting there playing sonic the hedgehog.

The phone’s a little bigger than my old trustworthy 6610, and I must say that should this phone die on me, chances are I’m going back to nokia, cap in hand. Nokias may not be as pretty as they once were, but hey, at least they have all the features I know, trust and love. Predictive text that continues to be predictive after I go away from the word, the ability to add to the dictionary by pressing on the star key. The size so contoured to my hand that I only need to use one hand to answer calls, write sms’s and navigate the menu. With this phone, I have to use two hands to write sms, it’s difficult to close properly with one hand, and the swinging hinge makes it difficult to have it open at certain angles.

My friend suggested yesterday that if I didn’t like it I could just go and sell it again off ebay. But I don’t know if people will appreciate what I’d be selling. It just seems such a hassle. And me being me, chances are I’ll regret selling it afterwards – just like I regretted buying health insurance, cancelled it, and then regretted cancelling it. I hate my guilt mentality.

Lots of other things going on in my life. Currently trying to sort out my broadband connection at home, so I can be back online. Surfing the net, or just bludging around there just isn’t the same when you do it at work. So I’m waiting excitedly while Telstra go and check out our line for adsl compatibility before I sign on with the devil (exetel). Well, not really the devil. It was the best deal I could go with. After a while, and lots of bad press from friends, I realised that unwired was not the way to go. When Telstra, the most trusted of telcos, well not so much trusted, but at least the most reliable in some ways, has bad wireless broadband, you just know that none of its competitors is going to be good. So a phone activation with Telstra, and a purchase of a 30 dollar phone (that I later found for 24 bucks at officeworks) later, we’re just about as set up as we’re ever going to be for broadband. Now if they’d just pull their finger out, we could get connected and I could stop feeling so lonely….

I’ve discovered I have to count every penny again. I’m constantly looking for bargains, and I’m desperately trying to keep afloat. Christmas is coming and I’m going to have to go find a decent Christmas present for my boyfriend.

They moved my desk at work, and I must admit I like this spot much better – if only because I feel safer ‘in the crowd’ than on the fringes of civilisation, next to the door where the big wig clients and high faluting executives constantly walk by. Not to mention the fact that my boss used to have a direct eyeline to my computer screen. At least there’s a few pods in the way now. Although it’s still fairly easy to sneak up on me without me knowing – especially when I’ve got my headphones on.

Looks like I’m back to stream-of-conscious rambling again. It’s 9.23 and I have to get to work.

Purchases, purchases, purchases. It’s all expenses these days.

Homing Butterfly

2005-10-17T17:16:00.000+10:00

They lie side by side in bed, her arm draped over his chest. their eyes are closed. Each lost in their own thoughts. It's raining outside. Sheets of rain that fall from the heavens, hitting the roof. And within the cosy confines of the bedroom, the water never reaches them, save for the sound of pounding rain on tile and concrete.

The room is dark, with only slivers of light coming through the wooden blinds from the streetlight outside. Tucked warmly underneath blankets, her head resting in the nook of his arm, she looks around the room. The pressed ceilings with rose motifs are hidden in the shadows.

"Does it feel like home yet?" he asks her in the gloom.

Living Butterfly

2005-10-11T12:17:00.000+10:00

I haven't updated lately - just don't feel up to it. Been trying to organise my thoughts and feelings.

I saw my dad this weekend. it was the first time i'd seen him or had a conversation with him in two years.

I've been spending the last two days mulled over in thought.

The mother daughter relationship is continuing to deteriorate.

I'm still all mixed up, and dad's return into my life has thrown me for a spare. A little anyway. I have enough on my mind I think, without having to continually write it out. I'm happy just mulling over everything right now. writing things out just seems to confirm things rather than put them into perspective. or maybe i'm just not willing to cement anything right now.
the world seems a little clearer, a little less muddy than before. i'm just hoping that my mother will come around one day.

Dad told me that she's always been like this. always had a foul temper, a harranging and petty nature. Makes me wonder how i got my personality. according to my boyfriend, i don't have much of a temper. I just sulk.

Do we really take after our parents, or are we all our own individuals, despite the nurturing theory that we are defined by our environment?

Meanwhile, the Organisation of My Life is still going on. Skip this bit if you don't want to hear about the mundaness of sorting out my life. I think 'stream of consciousness' is the best description for the below paragraphs.

I applied for, received, and then promptly cancelled my private health care insurance.

Am in the process of sorting out my mobile phone payments. dumb optus with their dumb prepaid, with their dumb estimates of activation time.

My taxes are done, and with the return i'll be able to clear out the credit card debt. no thanks to boyfriend. But, whatever. I'm just grateful that i have enough money to do that. in fact, i'm grateful for any money that comes in right now.

Life is tight.

I'm still waiting to see if my application for a credit card gets approved. and if it does, then i'll be able to get internet access at home.

If i stick to a strict regime abt my budget, i think i'll be able to survive. With approximately 10 dollars spending money each month. wait, hold that thought. I forgot about rent. fuck. I've overdrawn again. once this mobile gets fixed, maybe i can deduct my rent from there.
dammit. I just realised i forgot transport as well. i knew that it was too good to be true. 10 dollars spending money - yeh right.

Boyfriend is suggesting we ride bikes to work. to cancel out transport fees. i'll think about it. not really thrilled though.

We shall see, since dad's getting us bikes.

And maybe i can reduce the food and grocery bill - since i'm not buying all meals.

That'd probably give me an extra hundred a month or so. i tell you, money was never my strong point. i just spend all that was in my wallet, and then went and got some more. it's different now.
Hmm.. i just recalculated . Take out a little with food, exclude transport, and i'm back under the income threshold - by seven dollars.

*sigh*

I need a second job. anyone?

Sweeter Butterfly

2005-09-30T13:15:00.000+10:00

I have been itching to write all week. Yet every time I put pen to paper, I find my mind goes blank. Time, motivation, inclination, it all seems against me. I miss composing narrative prose. I miss trying to paint a picture by stringing words together. I miss my attempts at creating eloquence.

Home life has settled a little since I moved out. She no longer rages. And after going home on Tuesday night, it seems perhaps I can see a bit of light at the end of this depressing and miserable tunnel. Sitting there on the carpet that evening, looking up at her as she sat in her armchair and hemmed a pair of pants, I attempted to talk to her. But most of the time, it was just spent in silence.

“I love you. My moving out doesn’t mean I don’t. I just thought that this would be the best solution for all of us at the moment.”
“I haven’t asked for the house keys back now, have I?”
No, thank god.

Dad contacted me and asked to see me. When I got around to ringing him back, he gave me an interesting revelation. From a man who has never showed much affection towards me, more of a bemused detachment, he said quite frankly, “In English, I guess what I’d be trying to say is that ‘I miss you.’” I don’t know whether to believe that or not. I don’t think he would have rung if mum hadn’t prompted him to. I have no idea what went on between the two of them, or what she said to him on the phone. All I know is that she rang him.

I’m going down to the coast this weekend. Another short break away from it all. I haven’t had time to settle in at my new place yet. But we’re getting there. I want to stretch my wings out a little and confirm my independence. And whereas earlier my main motivation to leave, was to get out of a situation where my mother was constantly screaming at me (escape), in the last two days, I feel a lot more like using this time away positively. As a chance to learn how to be independent.

Putting a life together is fun. I’m applying for a credit card, I sorted out my private health insurance. I’m on the way to getting a wireless broadband internet connection. And now that my phone plan has expired, I’m also dabbling with the idea of getting a new mobile. Or maybe I’ll just get a prepaid. It’s not like I don’t have a phone already. I’m thinking about purchasing a different kind of anti-virus program. I have a dislike of norton anti-virus. Not because it doesn’t do its job, but because I have to pay so much for a program, and then pay even more on top of that to upgrade. And the cycle doesn’t ever stop. It can’t just run peacefully in the background. Oh no, it has to remind me, inform me of its presence, of its residence in my hard drive over and over and over again.

I need to sort out my freedoms. My money is no longer ‘my’ money, it’s ‘our’ money. He wants a joint bank account. I’d rather not. I want the freedom to spend what is mine. Well, what little of it that is mine these days. Most of it goes to my mother and her house bills.

I’m putting lists together of material posessions I’d like to acquire. I want, I want, I want. The photo/scanner/copier than mum bought six months ago is selling for 99 at the post office downstairs. I’m tempted to buy it. It’s an epson. And they’re supposedly the best when it comes to printing colour. But there’s a prettier canon at a slightly higher price. Which means, perhaps that it’s a little better than the epson. When I went up north I found this soaps and cosmetics practice at the local markets. I’m tempted to buy some more of their stuff. I think I’m just in retail therapy mode right now. Who knows. But the body balm I bought is nearly finished. And I wanted to try some of the other soaps they offered. They’ve got a website online, so that shouldn’t be difficult. But I’m budgeting. So we shall see. Yesterday, I had 4 slices of toast with margerine for lunch. Two slices at 1pm, two slices at 3pm. Speaking of which, I’m hungry again. And lunch won’t happen for another hour. Meanwhile, I need to remove and repaint my nail polish. I know – how mundane and girly.

We’re going down to the pub tonight. A work colleague is featuring in a band. So this will be interesting. 30 year olds attempting to relive their younger days by playing in a band. I really shouldn’t say derogatory things about them. I do like them – after all, they pretty much are my friends these days. I don’t circulate much outside of work. Whether I like it or not, it seems that work and home are my two worlds these days.

I don’t think I’ll need to go back to see my counsellor. Last I spoke to her, she was trying to insist I see a doctor about getting a prescription for anti-depressants. And in between my crying and explanations, all she kept saying was, “it’s difficult. I know.” That doesn’t help me. My cousin argues that my dad should be able to help me in my situation, while my boyfriend argues that perhaps I shouldn’t expect him to help, or even go into it thinking to tell him everything. Rather, I should just try and mend fences or find out why he has never been around much in my life. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll be seeing him Sunday week, so it’ll give me a little while to think about it first at least.

There are days when everything seems ok. And doable. At least now I don’t have that panicky drowned feeling that family has shut their doors on me. Don’t get me wrong, family life is still difficult. But at least it’s not as confronting.

Course I could just be imagining things.

Fighting Butterfly

2005-09-27T09:15:00.000+10:00

We don't win arguments by shouting the loudest - or by taking back our bat and ball and refusing to play any more. We win by being wise; by standing back, holding back, thinking carefully and choosing our words well. If we really want to win, we transcend our fear of losing. We give way when we can and seek compromise rather than conflict. A hollow victory is easily attainable today. A meaningful agreement, though, while it may be more difficult to arrive at, will prove infinitely more rewarding

I'm going home tonight to try and talk to mum. She rang me up again last night. She just won't leave me alone.

I should be glad - at least this way we still have contact.

I'm in fighting form today. Well, maybe not. But at least, I'm willing to face the bears and the tigers. At least I think I do anyway. Maybe when I get faced with them, I might still run away. But until that moment comes, I think I'll do ok.

Closing Butterfly

2005-09-26T15:40:00.000+10:00

Am listening to dashboard confessional. "remember to breathe" they wail to me through my headphones at work.

As the day goes by, the words 'loss' and 'abandonment' come to mind. It's hard to be eloquent when you're in a state of despair.

It feels like my family is no longer a part of me. Like I can no longer reach out and touch them. That door is closed to me now.

Strangely, in my less volatile moments, I can see this life being suited to me. I can see it working out. I can see us being happy.

Curled up, spooning on the couch last night, watching my Pirates of the Carribean dvd, it felt wonderful. He makes me feel wonderful. I can't explain it. It's like he fills a part of me that I never knew I needed or missed. He fits, just fine. He fits perfectly.

Out Butterfly

2005-09-26T13:22:00.000+10:00

Don't really know what to say or how to write it out.

So I'll just start with the facts.

I move out officially yesterday.

I cried myself to sleep. twice.

I feel miserable and awful and regretful.

I'm tempted to move back just because. To have a feeling of 'whiteness' to feel 'good' about myself and the situation.

I feel the need to define myself through my mother's beliefs.

I'm going home tomorrow night to pick up a few odds and ends and have dinner with them.

I took a few personality tests this afternoon.

Results below.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (23%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (40%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion		60%
Stability		40%
Orderliness		46%
Accommodation		76%
Interdependence		63%
Intellectual		43%
Mystical		56%
Artistic		70%
Religious		50%
Hedonism		50%
Materialism		70%
Narcissism		50%
Adventurousness		30%
Work ethic		63%
Self absorbed		30%
Conflict seeking		30%
Need to dominate		50%

Romantic		50%
Avoidant		43%
Anti-authority		43%
Wealth		23%
Dependency		76%
Change averse		76%
Cautiousness		50%
Individuality		30%
Sexuality		70%
Peter pan complex		63%
Physical security		56%
Physical Fitness		57%
Histrionic		63%
Paranoia		43%
Vanity		63%
Hypersensitivity		83%
Female cliche		63%

Both tests can be found at: SimilarMinds.com

Meanwhile, I'm a bit volatile, but trying to keep it all under control.

Don't really know how to express myself right now.

Messy Butterfly

2005-09-23T12:17:00.000+10:00

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...' So goes the old prayer. Yet it's debatable how many of us really are so generous towards others. By and large, we are not very good at forgiving people. We are, though, a little too good at forgiving ourselves. We don't need to swing to the other extreme and be constantly beating ourselves up about some mistake we have made. But we all ought to remember that none of us is perfect. Don't waste this weekend regretting the past or resenting the present.

Easier said than done, but.

My head's all a mess. Full of regrets and "I wish"s' and "If only"s.

This is going to be hard. This is going to be difficult.

There's no easy way out. And there's a high chance she'll disown me.

How many mothers tell their daughters that they hate them. And the dirty look she gave me yesterday at my brother's graduation...

I walked away so depressed yesterday afternoon.

My brother's got my camera, so I'm back to sketching to ease the tension and try and relax. I haven't picked up a pencil for drawing purposes in over a year, if not more. I've always found drawing and colouring very therapeutic. I remember at one stage musing to myself, if I could do any job in the world and not care about pay, status or social standing, I'd be a painter. You know, those people who paint walls and buildings. It'd be so relaxing and carefree. No worries. Just get in there and paint. And at the end of the day, feel a sense of accomplishment that you achieved something.

Achievement...

It all just feels so glum right now.

Is it too babyish to wish that I could have my mother back?

I miss the golden days.

Attending my brother's graduation,
I was reminded of a time when time seemed golden.
When the world sat at my feet, and I could do no wrong.
Today is not that day.
Today is gloomy and glum and steely grey.

~ *~ * ~ * ~

Everybody seems so happy like they all
share something I haven't felt for years.
For long I've tried to just hold on but now
I don't care
I'm closing down my thoughts and fears.
Forgive me, life is cruel.
I'm leaving you.

Hear you little brother me,
you know I'm sorry,
for every high hand.
Give my love to mother,
please
tell her not to worry.
I hope she'll understand.

So long, don't wait for me in vain.
What's wrong with being free from pain?
Be strong and live your lives like I never could.
Farewell, let the memories be nice.
To hell!? Don't think you go there twice.
I'm well off right here, it's more than good.
So Farewell...

Millencolin ~ Farewell My Hell

Emailing Butterfly

2005-09-21T11:49:00.000+10:00

Dear ___,

I don't really know how to start this email to you. I guess the first thing I should make sure you're aware of is that I love you very much. You are the most important person in the world to me, and no one can ever replace you. Mum is just as important to me.

I don't know how you see things. But I need you to be aware that I do in fact love her very much. The reason I'm moving out is because I don't believe that me staying will be conducive to anything. Believe me when I tell you that this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I really did want to stay. Home is important to me, and given a choice I would in fact stay. But the truth of the matter is I can't. Mum can't accept what I've done and won't forgive me. She stores up all her anger and throws it at me every time I come home. Every time I come home, I feel like a target. She makes me feel like I am responsible for the happiness of this family. When in fact I believe everyone has a part to play in making sure a family is a family.

I seriously believe that she needs help. I feel like sheÂs using me as a scapegoat for all her pain. She had a hard childhood. She feels guilty for never being there for our grandmother. And she be it intentionally or not is trying to relive her life through me. She sees me leave the family early and she fears that I will follow in her footsteps. I don't think she ever forgave herself for leaving our grandparents. Especially after dad left. There's also the face thing. You know, not wanting to look bad in front of our relatives. Because in chinese culture, I've basically done something bad, and it reflects on her.

On top of which if you've actually listened to her, sometimes I don't think she really knows what she wants. She gets so contradictory in her attitude, in her expression. She's just as lost as the rest of us. The only difference is that she's our mother.

She feels like I'm only making her problems with her family worse. But I'll be honest with you. I have tried to make this work. All of the people I've talked to - they would've left and stopped paying the family in the first 3 months. None would have stayed. I'm not saying I will stop paying. I will continue paying. It is my duty, and I know how hard it is to be without money. I don't want you guys to suffer any more than you already have. It's just that in some ways I feel like I've always tried to be the best daughter to mum, at the expense of myself. There's lots of things that I want to do, that I feel I can't do. The only way I can do them is if I I do them by mum's rules. But this means that I'm letting her rule my life. When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to have a say over my own life? This is my life, not hers.

She will argue that she is just looking out for me and doesn't want me to do wrong. The fact of the matter is, life is made up of mistakes. You can't stop someone from doing something - even if you believe it's for their own good. I'm sorry that I haven't made this any easier for you or her, but I believe that at the end of the day, if I had told her now, or if I had told her in 2 years time things wouldn't change. She would still get upset. Because I'm impacting, replaying something that happened to her 10 years ago when dad left.

I would never have been able to move out to live with him. You know that, don't you? She says that we could have been independent, but the fact of the matter is, I don't really believe she could let us go. Not that that is a bad thing. I do want her in my life. I do want you in my life. It's just that there comes a point when I have to start living my own life.

I didn't do all of this at the expense of your pain and unhappiness. I truly didn't. It's just that there is nothing I can do to fix this, short of ending my relationship. And I can't do that. And to be honest, I shouldn't have to choose between her and him. I will be honest with you and say that I think she is just as responsible for this "tragedy" as I am. In fact, she may well be a little moreresponsiblee. I don't mean to say that I played no part - I did.

In moving out, I think both mum and I need some space. I can't handle living at home anymore, and it has nothing to do with you. For every time that she yells at me telling me that I've hurt her, for every time that she makes me feel responsible for the happiness of this family, for every time she lays a guilt trip on me, it makes me feel pressured. There is a point where I will break. my work has already suffered.

if I stay at home and listen to anymore of what she has to say about being 'responsible' for all the hurt and pain, if I stay and listen to any more guilt trips about why I did this to her, I will seriously go insane. no one should be given full responsibility for that. it may sound harsh, but the only person we are responsible for is ourselves. yes we must be considerate to others - it's a part of being a mature adult. but at the same time, you can't be expected to fill gaps in people's lives. It's hard enough to be our own person, let alone someone else's. Mum needs to be responsible for her actions, just like I have to. Am I making any sense? Yes she feels hurt, she has a right to. But that doesn't mean at the expense of me - whereby if she continues to do this, I will lose my sanity.

and that's not anexaggerationn. You saw me last night. I had no control over how my hands were acting. Mum's not rational these days. She really isn't, no matter what you may think or believe.

I honestly believe she needs some professional help. It's not that I don't want to help out family, I do. It's just that in the current circumstances, the only way I can help is if I leave.

I will still come home to visit. To pay mum and to see how you are. You are the most important person in the world to me.

I love both of you very much, and I don't want you to ever forget or doubt that.

Much Love,
_________

Golden Butterfly

2005-09-20T14:39:00.000+10:00

I thought the hard times were well over now.
Brighter days would come and stay.
I guess I'm just not that lucky somehow,
cause you are standing in my way.
No matter how well I do,
I know I'll never be good enough for you.

You'd love to watch me breakdown.
You'd love to watch me go insane.
You'd love to watch me breakdown.
I am a fool and I remain the same.

My name is golden, but you call me pale.
Your heart will never let me in.
I know you curse, but smile inside when I fail.
Your jealousy is kept within.
No matter how good I play,
you only focus on the blunders I say.

Yeah, I remain the same. You hate me cause I'm strange,
but I remain the same and I will not change

Millencolin ~ My Name is Golden

Am at work and shouldn't really be blogging. Have to go home tonight - not really looking forward to it. At the same time, am trying to convince myself to go back over to the boyfriend's tomorrow night.

I only have 3 more sessions left of 'free' counselling. Am trying to decide when I want to use them. The logical answer 'when you need them' doesn't really sit with me.

Guess I should just brave the forest fire and hope that I don't get burnt eh?

My horoscope suggests for me to look on the bright side - it's the only way to have a good day. We shall see.

I'm tired and a little grumpy.

A bit irritable and whatnot.

I hate the fact that I get paid in order to give it all away in bills and taxes.

Anyhow, best get back to work before they notice and fire me. Then where would I be? Family-less, jobless....

Best not to think about it.

Shifting Butterfly

2005-09-18T22:11:00.000+10:00

Something will shift this week. The process of change, though, may be a little awkward or jarring at times. Possibly, you will find yourself feeling as if something is going wrong or growing too intense, or becoming far too volatile. The journey that you are going through, though, is a necessary one and a positive one. Remember, please, the helpful and encouraging experiences that you have had lately. Trust that more of these lie in store. For they do. You are developing new definitions, deeper understandings and wiser ideas. Once these grow a little stronger and clearer you will feel much happier about the ground you have covered and the road that still lies ahead.

These days it's very rare for me to post more than once a day. When I first started, it was two, three times a day, if my procrastination got really bad. These days, it's twice or three times a week if I'm/you're lucky.

I've talked to a few people since my last posting earlier this evening, and I am yet again contemplating whether or not I want to move out. Yes, yes, I know. Technically I already have. So let's just say for argument's sake, when I will decide to move all my stuff over to my new house.

My cousin suggests to go slow. And to move in April as previously planned. My counsellor and my friends, not to forget my boyfriend, all suggest I move now.

The thoughts about moving have been circling in my head for the last few hours. And checking out my horoscope for the week hasn't made it any better. If anything, it's made me feel worse.

At least my sleeping patterns are getting better. I slept 10 hours straight last night. Although that might have to do with the fact that I danced for most of the evening. I tell you, nothing makes you more appreciative of your age, when you are around people who are older than you.

I can drink and wake up with barely a smidgen of a headache. I can dance for hours and not feel tired. Sure, I'll get the odd twinge here and there from the stitches if I dance too much in one sitting, but give me a few minutes and I'll be back out there. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just gave up and sat out the last few songs. It was quite amusing to have people tell me, that I was the most energetic person there. To which my boyfriend later responded to me, "that's because you were the youngest person there" in a scoffing tone.

Like I said, I like being young.

But who doesn't eh?

Anyhow I've digressed. Back to the point.

Deciding on whether or not I should move out. Why does it seem that no decision is easy these days? All I'm faced with, bar inaction, are hard decisions.

Depressing Butterfly

2005-09-18T17:31:00.000+10:00

Symptoms of Depression

From http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Depression_Information/symptoms.htm

You feel miserable and sad.
You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
You feel very anxious sometimes.
You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
You find it difficult to think clearly.
You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
You feel a burden to others.
You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
You feel you have no confidence.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
You feel that life is unfair.
You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'
You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain

So I went to see a counsellor on Friday. She suggested among other things that perhaps I should take some anti-depressants. My boyfriend is totally against it.

I'm trying to decide if I want/need to go back and see her.

Mum's got a back problem, and has toned down on the shouting. At least she had for the last few days I was home. Why is it, that all the time I spend with my boyfriend goes so fast? When the same amount of time spent at home goes so slowly? Einsten was right - time is relative.

Am kind've at a loss to explain myself. Right now just waiting for mum to get home so we can go out to dinner. Don't really know what to expect. Constantly feel like I'm on tenterhooks whenever I'm at home.

At least at my boyfriend's, I can relax.

I need a back massage.

Clearing Butterfly

2005-09-13T22:59:00.000+10:00

In many ways I feel like I am ready to talk.

The words have been tumbling around in my head like clothes in a washing machine or dryer. Round and round they go. Doubling back on themselves. It's time to rinse and wring. Rinse and hang. Rinse and dry.

I feel compelled to talk, yet at the same time I'm worried that in the process of talking I end up muddying it up. I want to give the counsellor a distilled version of the facts. I'm worried in blogging it out that it will become less genuine once I talk to her about it.

In essence, I know that I am at the heart of all this heartache and pain. I have no one to blame but myself. And I accept that. I have no choice.

The issue now, is where do I go from here?

Where do I go indeed? The mother-daughter relationship in practically all its realities is gone. My fault.

And while my boyfriend loves me, I can't blame him for what he did. Yes, I resented him doing what he did. But at the same time he wouldn't have, if I had been more sure of myself. I'm worried in a way that I will have to let him go also.

But I'm not afraid.

I feel strangly calm today. Strangely clear.

I don't know how to explain it. Mum stood there today yelling at me. She told me in the car that I had to choose. That I could only have one or the other, I couldn't have both. And then she wryly remarked that I had already chosen.

That they no longer welcome me. I just sat there letting the words wash over me.

I've started to try and block work from my mind. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to not let people faze me.

Mum argues that I'm just living in a dream. Am I? I don't know.

My boyfriend believes that I am trying to look for a silver bullet. And that there is none.

Work will get better. And if the job goes, then the job goes. So be it.

In some ways I feel very fated.

A chain of events. This is my life, whether I like it or not.

You know the thing I hate most about therapy? That the waiting time between one session and another is like 'dead time'. It's like I sit there and wait for the rest of my life to begin.

My boyfriend argues that I like clear defining moments. And that often, in life, there are none of these 'defining moments.'

Right now, all I know is that at this current moment I feel ready to talk. I feel like I want to express myself.

I know that a lot of the problems lay with me - not with my mother. I never opened my heart to her. I kept it close. Shut tight. She's never understood me.

Both of us feel victimised.

And right now she feels like my boyfriend doesn't respect her.

I'd like to think/believe that I have a better view of what's going on. That I am growing, that I am maturing.

To be honest, I don't really know if I am. I know that I have a very stubborn streak in me. That rebels because it can, not because it's wise to.

To be honest, I don't believe I have a very strong belief in myself. In some ways I'm probably very self-destructive. I hold a lot of self-loathing. I don't really love myself. And that's something that's been told to me as young as when I was six.

They, my parents and my teachers, used to tell me that I had to learn to love myself. Because I couldn't love anyone else if I didn't love myself.

The more time I spend at my boyfriend's, the more I miss my mother. I miss the life I used to have. At the same time he argues that I had to break the mould sometime.

He believes that I had wanted to and needed to break free. And that no matter when I did it, it was going to hurt. Perhaps. Mother disagrees. Perhaps she just says that now because it will never happen. Or perhaps she is right.

How do I know?

I just need to go on with my life. I still shirk from responsibility and decision making. At the same time I want to make a step in the right direction. And I think that's as good a start as any. In fact, I'd like to believe that it's the most important step. Of course I could just be self-indulgent right now.

You know, so often I try to justify myself. I said to him the other night, how I sometimes felt so lost around him.

I feel lost around him, and I feel lost with him.

There was a time when I believed that our relationship had bad timing. And there are other times when I wonder if this was just the way it was meant to be. A lot of the things that my mother holds against me - the house, the money, the abortion, they were things beyond my control. They were things that I reacted to rather than actively started. The house just came. And it was so quick, I admit. Perhaps I should have hesitated. But I'm a bargain seeker. A bargain hunter. Faced with one - could I seriously turn it down? But I know that deep down I wasn't ready. But at the same time, when I rang him up and said "yes", the feeling of impulsiveness, the feeling of giddiness and freedom that went with it... it was so exhilarating, so freeing. For once I could just be me. He points that he is the first person I've been around where I'm not afraid to be me. I think that is partly true. I have always strived to be the "good girl" at home. Deep down I think I've been trying to compensate for my father in my own way. I have always tried to be the best dutiful girl that I could. At the same time I've railed.

Because I know that I'm the type of person who wants to see what I'm missing out. I am the epitome of the true believer that the grass is greener on the other side. And it is a bad way to be. Because I know that in following this doctrine, I am setting myself up for the fall. I will never be truly happy. Because I have envy in my heart. In my soul. In my bones.

I think I have a lot of issues. I have a lot of repressed emotions. And I lashed out. I blamed it on my mother. In the process of growing up, I hurt the people who loved me most. And I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Sure, I realise what I've done, and I can detach myself from my actions because I can see what I've done, and why I did what I did. But I don't think the day will come when I can explain it.

My cousin believes that I love my mother because I'm seeking counselling to sort this problem out. I think in part it is also me being selfish. Because me, personally, cannot hack this much longer. I don't want to leave. But it is so tempting. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack up and leave, and never look back.

I miss my mother. I miss the chats we used to have, when I could be girly and young and tease her. But I know that I've never treated my family right. I've lorded my power over them, and mum in her love for me, let me. She spoilt me. And I never appreciated her love. By the time I could have and should have, my boyfriend came into my life and took my focus away.

I'm sorry. I really am. But at the same time, I'm sort've not. I know what I did. I know how I did it. And now I don't know what to do. I can try. But I don't know if it will achieve anything. I'm ready to now to try and merge these two worlds. But I don't know if I can.

At the end of the day I know I am very lucky. To have this mother. To have this man in my life. But I don't really know what to do.

My cousin suggests that I just stop thinking so much. And just do things to take my mind off them.

My starsign forecast suggests I just realise there are some things you can fix, and others you can't.

It reminds me of that by now much cliched, and so often quoted prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Courage to change the
things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.

First I have to accept what is happening in my life. So often lately I think I've been living in a state of denial.

I'm no longer scared. I think I've taken my first step to accepting the reality. Or perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Who knows? I may well wake up tomorrow morning and feel as crappy as I have been for the last few months.

I don't really know what to hold onto anymore. Right now I'm just waiting for Friday to come around.

Hoping Butterfly

2005-09-10T23:41:00.000+10:00

You have no idea how hard I'm hoping and wishing that things would all come out in the wash. The day that mother accepts this for what it is, and realises that in finding this man, it does not mean that I am choosing to replace my family with him. The day that she accepts all this - is the day that I will be one of the most happiest people alive. Of course, it may well turn out to be pointless to hope for this. After all, what is life, but a collection of random situation, filled with situations that often we cannot solve, and more than likely, may well never solve.

I have booked a meeting for next Friday. I'm going to talk to someone. And hope to god that they will be able to help me. I specifically asked for someone who had the same cultural background as me. I'm tired of trying to explain my cultural history and the unspoken understandings to people who cannot fathom what it is I go through.

My boyfriend pointed out to me that my mother doesn't represent my culture, just like he isn't a representative of his. Reactions are often personal, and do not necessarily reflect all cultural situations. Perhaps.

The more I've thought about what to tell this woman on Friday, the more and more I'm seeing that perhaps this may well just all be a matter of me. I'm the one who isn't accepting. I'm the one who has all these problems. I'm the one that's holding myself back. No one else but me.

My boyfriend is trying to encourage me to move out for good. He believes that me staying a few nights at home, and then a few nights with him seems like I'm rubbing my situation in her face. All the girls I've spoken to have all sided with my mother and said to me, it is totally understandable for you to have baulked. If that is so, if my first instinct was to flee was correct, then why the hell did I latch on anyway? Why did the thought that something good was about to end scare me so badly? To the point where I've gone ahead and stuffed everything up?

The funny thing is, mum believes that she is the victim in all of this. Yet as the last few months attest on this blog, I believe that I am the victim in all of this. Perhaps from everyone's own personal opinion, they are always the victim. You are always the wronged one. Never the one who is wronging others. Because that would mean you'd begin to feel bad and would have to do something about it.

Humans are such hypocrites.

My head just keeps on spinning.

You know what I'm really killing for right now? A massage. A decent, professional, in-depth back massage. I can do without a full body. Because it's my back and shoulders that are suffering the most right now.

I know my mother loves me. I just wish that I could accept that she does.

Shutting Butterfly

2005-09-09T12:17:00.000+10:00

Some things just aren't worth thinking about. The more attention you give them, the more confusing they become. You can't ignore a pressing matter this weekend. But nor can you allow it to turn into a psychological vortex or a quicksand of concern that absorbs all your precious time and energy. Be brave enough to look at what must be dealt with and wise enough to understand that some of it is going to have to be left for a while to sort itself out. If you can't think constructive thoughts, think about other matters, entirely.

I need serious help.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Even the smallest thing could be enough for you,
Still it was too hard for me to give.
Even the smallest thing could break your heart in two,
No wonder why it's hard for you to live.

Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.
No matter what they say,
I shut you out.

Even the smallest thing could make your day complete,
I've never seen a bigger smile than yours.
Even the smallest thing could wipe you off your feet,
When no one's catching you,
you hit the floor.

Just like I turn you down,
I always shut you out.
No matter who I blame you're not around,
I can not turn back time,
I can not change a thing.

No matter what they say,
I shut you out

Millencolin ~ Shut You Out

Defining Butterfly

2005-09-07T13:51:00.000+10:00

Walk tall. Stand proud. Be strong in yourself. If there is something you feel inclined to shrink away from, don't! Instead, take a bold step closer towards it. Jupiter and Saturn are urging you to face your fear. Even if you have a need to backdown or apologise for something, do it with honesty, sincerity and dignity. You can make a success of almost anything now, as long as you speak from the heart whilst looking people straight in the eye. You don't have to tell everyone everything. You should, though, tell them what it is only fair for them to know.

I’ve made a booking to see someone next Friday night. I’ve spoken to a few people in the last week, and the more I do this, the more I realise perhaps I didn’t stick to my guns enough. I am swayed by other people. It seems that I define myself through other people – which is not a good way to live. There seems to be no way to get out of this alive.

I promised to make it easier for mum, to open my heart to her. Yet we sat in silence to the station this morning. I could’ve told her about me going to the races this Saturday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her I went out with his family to yum cha last Sunday. But I didn’t. I could’ve told her that it was his birthday last week, but I didn’t. So I couldn’t tell her that I made him a meal, and made a perfect pavlova. Everything I say, she comes away feeling left out, discarded. It seems even if the stars are out and telling me to be strong, somewhere deep inside, it seems that I can’t.

I’m a bit depressed after having a money discussion with my boyfriend over the Visa bill. And how money will always be tight as long as I choose to continue paying my mother. I find it harsh to say that I choose to. It is true what everyone says – he will never understand. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I didn’t have enough courage back in April to back down and stand firm and say no. And let him walk away, out of my life. Let him love me from afar, and let that be it. Why I couldn’t be strong and brave? Why did I have to choose him? He was too impatient, and I let him.

Why did I let him define me?

Undoing Butterfly

2005-09-04T01:27:00.000+10:00

Christopher Columbus said the earth was round. Galileo was sure that it went round the Sun. Both got into a lot of trouble though, for saying as much. You don't always have an easy time if you are ahead of your time. You are now seeing further than most of the people around you. They can't envisage what you can envisage. There are a lot more of them than there are of you and they are very vocal. So should you give up and shut up? Not if you trust yourself. Say what you need to say. Ask what you need to ask. And please, don't worry.

Easy for you to say buster, you're just the astrologer.

Mum hates me. She calls my life up to this point a tragedy. My boyfriend thinks she doesn't love me. Mum hates that she loves me so much.

I hate that all I seem to want to do is please people.

In the words of Sarah McLachlan:

"I get confused and I come all undone"

or something like that anyway. I've been listening to Afterglow all day, and the songs all just keep swirling around in my head. I haven't been sleeping lately, and I went back to that trick of listening to music until I fall asleep. And yeh - I picked Afterglow last night.

Maybe you can help me stop worrying so much. Tell me - what is your belief/opinion on a couple living together that isn't married? Is there in fact a difference? I mean, whether you're de factor or married, you still have to do the same things - make breakfast, cook, clean, pay bills. You're still 'living together'. Save for that scrap of paper and the wedding - does anything in fact change?

Mum's arguing that I've already gotten married effectively. I've been walking in a daze ever since she said that. Why does everything always seem to creep up on me? Why does it feel like I'm constantly in denial? Why do I feel like I'm using my boyfriend as a means to escape?

It's late. I'm going to bed.

Rewiring Butterfly

2005-09-01T17:44:00.000+10:00

You may not understand much but there is something that now makes a great deal of sense to you. Trust that. Stick with it. Make it the foundation stone of your skyscraper. Refer back to it, every time you find yourself in doubt. Every decision that you now need to make will become easy and clear if you acknowledge this crucial point. You will become ever more confused whenever you forget it. Pluto is now granting you a rare and precious gift; the ability to recognise an essential priority and to uphold it successfully.

If only I knew what that was though. I have no idea what that ‘thing that makes a great deal of sense to me’. Yesterday’s forecast was apt for what happened last night:

You can't dismantle a large piece of furniture with a small electrical screwdriver. Nor, though, can you use a drill to repair sensitive circuitry. You have to use the right tool for the right job. I make this point now because you may need to rethink your approach to a challenging situation. Before you make any more moves, consider your options and alternatives. If you are clever, careful and wise now you can yet find a way to achieve something that has started to seem very difficult. Don't just do what seems 'easiest'.

I could, should, probably write up what happened. But my mind seems to shy away from it all. Maybe I’m still in shock, I don’t know. Birthday dinner with work colleagues tonight. The few who don’t know about us, will know tonight. Don’t know how I feel about that. But, so be it. I’m all tense and such. I need my heard rewired.

Detailing Butterfly

2005-08-31T16:01:00.000+10:00

Sitting in deck chairs on the backyard verandah on a mild Tuesday night, a couple sip red wine and chat quietly. Her feet are stretched out on his lap, and his stubby fingers caress her legs, making lazy patterns along her ankle and up her calves. Looking out past the bushes and over the citrus trees, his eyes wander the rooftops and windows of neighbouring houses. A dog lies at their feet, every once in a while sitting up to do a cursory wander around the verandah before settling back down. The distant quiet hubbub of traffic sounds like ocean waves thrumming on the shore. Quiet and stealthy it filters through the neighbourhood.

As an early spring breeze caresses the two, she shakes herself out of a deep reverie, takes a drink of red wine and starts to tell him what’s been on her mind lately. Money problems, general insecurities, moving house, dramatic changes in her life, fear of commitment; all her worries pour out as the vino sets to work, loosening her tongue, guiding her on the path to honest unfiltered thought.

He sits, head down staring at his glass as the words wash over him, slowly filling up his senses, wave after wave. Not daring to look at him as the words spill out of her mouth, she tries to distract herself from worrying too much about his verdict on her harried thought process. She begins to notice the wooden fence palings that separate her house from the next and how they make stark contrast against the neighbouring house’s brickwork. She can almost feel the roughness of those bricks against her fingers. As she continues telling him that she’d like to stay at home a little while longer before moving in with him, he looks up at her with grin that is half rueful and half bemused, telling her, “You’ve pretty much moved in anyway.”

‘Yes that’s right,' she thinks, ‘it’s all in the details.’

True Butterfly

2005-08-27T23:21:00.000+10:00

I had an attack of the guilts today. I did something that perhaps I shouldn't have. And for a few moments today, I sat there staring into space battling my conscience.

And while at the end of the day I 'did the right thing' the thoughts have been haunting me ever since.

I am proud of what I did. I like what it says about me - that although I hesitate in 'doing the right thing' given time, I do come around, and deep down I am a honest person. I am a good person.

Should I write here what I did? His information, his personal life isn't really mine to tell. Yet I also feel the need to vindicate my actions and feel good about myself. I feel the need to brag. Although perhaps it's not much worth to brag about.

I came across some of my boyfriend's personal papers today. And against my will, well, alright, curiousity got the better of me, and I found myself reading them. And the more I read, I suddenly felt like I was seeing things that I shouldn't be reading - that if he had wanted to tell me, he would have.

And finding out what I did, I suddenly got scared. Because finding out some things by yourself can be pretty scary. You sit there and think, 'he didn't tell me about this.' And you feel like maybe he was trying to hide something from you, and your entire perspective on the relationship changes.

And then you hear footsteps upstairs and know that he's coming back, and you hurriedly put all the papers away. And pretend that everything's ok. Except that everything's not. And after a while, he notices it too, and asks you what the matter is.

'Nothing,' you say.

And while he moves in and out of the house moving bottles to the recycling bin outside, you sit there battling your conscience.

'Should I ask him?'
'Maybe I should research this first. He'll tell me in good time. And when he does, I'll pretend that I never knew, and inside I'll be happy that he finally got around to telling me.'
'But that's not very honest. How would you feel if he did something like that?'
'I should be honest and just tell him I found it, and ask what it means.'
'What if he thinks I've been snooping? I shoould respect his privacy. I shouldn't pry. He'll tell me in his good time if he wants or chooses to.'

And so the argument went, round and round, and round.

As he made breakfast for me, I finally got up the courage. Asking him to sit with me for a moment, I gathered up my courage, closed my eyes, told him what I did, and asked him what I had been reading meant.

He was apologetic, explaining he would've told me, but it was just that he was scared. He was worried that I would get scared. He then asked me if I was scared, and I admitted a little. But the more I heard about it, the more I realised I wasn't scared. Once I found it out it wasn't what I had originally thought it was, I was ok with it. And I was actually in fact more hurt that he had originally chosen not to tell me.

For fifteen minutes today, my entire world changed. It tipped on its axis and turned topsy turvy. Suddenly the security and love that I had grown accustomed to started to crumble and collapse - and I wondered how I could get out of the situation I was in. Suddenly I wanted out.

I'm proud of the fact that I was able to be honest with him - telling him what I'd done, and expressing my fears to him. I'm proud that I didn't hide what I had done and pretend that I had never come across the papers in the first place.

And while perhaps they weren't a big deal - arguably not even to him - it was to me. Because for a little while it felt like he had been hiding from me, and the man that I had grown to love, was in fact a person I knew close to nothing about. So much of his past is a black hole to me and I get scared prying. I need to work on that.

But at least I can look back at myself today and think to myself - I was honest with myself. I was honest to him, I was honest to me, I was honest to the relationship. I didn't hide. And I was willing to take the consequences if it had come out that what I had feared most had come true. I would've played with the cards I'd been dealt with.

Things happen for a reason they say. Fate has a way of catching up with you. If it's meant to be yours, it'll be yours. And for a few moments today I choose to adhere to this philosophy a little closer than I usually do. Because to me, I just proved to myself that I can be a honest person. That I will not hide. That I will not pretend. I will be true.

Dysfunctional Butterfly

2005-08-24T17:43:00.000+10:00

Feeling kind've tired and exhausted. Mentally anyway.

Emotionally, I'm all colours of 'blah.'

Today's forecast says:

You feel driven and determined. You are almost manically motivated. You have a point to prove, an obstacle to overcome, a battle to win and a test of strength to triumph under. Is it possible that you could be expending more effort than you need to? Neptune's opposition to your ruler suggests a degree of fantasy or delusion. You are right to think that you can be successful. You are wrong, though, to imagine that your enemies are particularly powerful or that it will take your every last ounce of energy to achieve your desired result.

Home life is bland and dry. Mum doesn't talk to me.

The thing I noticed on holiday was how much I missed my family. There no longer is a family at home. I miss knowing and experiencing their love. It's funny how it's the people that make a family. A family isn't just one, because that's what they are. It's the individuals.

I ponder sometimes on the fact that things have gotten so bad at home. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I'd be in a situation where my mother writes me off. Where she dismisses me out of hand.

I won't be home for the majority of next week. It's my boyfriend's birthday. And we're moving to our new home on Sunday evening. I get the feeling that mum's going to take it bad.

Looking back there were so many moments when perhaps in hindsight, I realise I should've tried more, harder, or whatever. But right now, in the heat of the moment, I just can't be bothered.

What does it mean when you can't be bothered? I seriously don't see this getting any better. She won't budge. And I can't see myself budging either.

My boyfriend pointed out to me once, that perhaps I've just gotten lost in what she has spent 23 years telling me I should feel, when I can't help the feelings I have.

I never ever imagined that I'd become part and parcel of a dysfunctional family. A family that is a family, and isn't at the same time.

But there it is. And here I am.

Travelling Butterfly

2005-08-21T14:50:00.000+10:00

Just got back from my flight. Am at a bit of a loss what to say or do. Mum's not home yet. I'm broke for the next fortnight, and every once in a while I'm still wondering if I picked the right guy to spend the rest of my life with.

I thought that after seven days of seeing each other 24/7 I would get sick of him. Yet for the last three days all I've been saying is, "Can't we stay? I don't really want to go."

Lots of mini worries and concerns. I don't think I really got into the holiday spirit until Friday. By which time, I only had a little while left.

It was funny how easily we slipped in to spending time with each other. It seemed perfectly natural to be with each other constantly.

I'm feeling a little out of it and sleepy. It might be the travel sickness pills. There's just so much that happened this week, that I just want to sit down and rehash it all. Sit there and sift through it all. Yet, I can't be bothered to at the same time.

I'm just all, 'blah.'

I'm downloading all my photos that I took during the week. Sad to say that none of them turned out right - least none with both of us in them. Either he made a funny face, I made a funny face or we both made funny faces. Nothing photoframe worthy. And that's what I was banking on for getting him for his birthday.

Don't really know what else to say or how else to express it.

Feng Shui Butterfly

2005-08-12T20:54:00.000+10:00

Where to start? Probably from the beginning of last week huh?

So we decided that we would get the house - but whether or not I move in "full time" are just little details.

And once I let go of the fear that he expected oodles amount of commitment from me, I was able to relax and get excited. So for the last week all that I've been saying is an excited, "we have a home!"

The last two days I have found myself pouring over Feng Shui books. Yes, this is a superstitious little butterfly, who follows her starsign, and is seriously considering buying all manner of crystals, mirrors and windchimes in order to ensure that this house is good for her.

What can I say?

My mother's one of the most superstitious people I know. I've grown up around her telling me where to put my bed, how my room should be placed, and why we can't have certain things in certain places throughout the house. And because often there is no harm in it, I find myself believing. Especially when they are supposed to bring about good fortune.

But see, the more I started reading up, the more I started researching on Feng Shui, the more depressed I got. If I am to believe all that I Ching stuff, the house is more compatible for him than for me. While our bedroom will be in a 'good' spot per se, because there are two doors, potentially (if I read it all correctly) it might well symbolise an ending to our relationship.

There's also potential for our 'passion' area to be lacking, since we can't exactly put our bed along the south wall (because then our bed would be facing the door), and well, yeh.

I'm not too sure about the tree in front of our house, or the fact that the main entrance to our house is to the side, and a little difficult to find. On top of which, you can see the cricket ground's light pole thingy from our back verandah, which if I understand correctly is bad 'sha.'

And then I'm worried that the house door is facing a fence. I have to go back to see if it meets one of the steepled roofs of our next door neighbour. And then there's those two spare rooms - which we I doubt we'll ever use to their full potential, and the fact that our living room has a walkway running through it.

According to all the books I've been reading, I'm supposed to hang crystals, mirrors and windchimes everywhere to compensate. But I asked my boyfriend last night whether he believed in feng shui, and he said no. So how am I going to rationalise hanging a windchime at practically every doorway, not to mention the kitchen? He's going to think I'm nuts.

He's already amusedly pointed out that I'm the 'hippie' of the two, because I play around with astrology, and will make comments like a derisive "she's a capricorn".

But yeh, the more I've been reading the lately, the more I've begun to question how much I should invest in all this feng shui stuff. Sure I've grown up around it all my life, and the idea that I can place my destiny in safe hands and protect myself from harm by having a few trinkets by my side makes me feel somehow more reassured and safe, but at the same time - what happens when I get told that the house we chose isn't the right one for me, and that potentially it could be bad for both of us? Relationship wise anyway?

I was tempted as I was reading at one stage to simply invest in a consultant. But I don't think my boyfriend will tolerate that. Hell, it's going to be bad enough making my own impact on that house without him making derisive comments. He's going to have to indulge me.

I sound like an insane woman don't I? I hate sometimes that I'm so superstitious. I'm tempted to just let it all go, and just enjoy my time in that house. But then the worrying thoughts creep in - what if I had a chance to save this, had all the tools, but was just too scared to do anything about it? Had the cure, but didn't use it? At the same time, do I really want to be a slave to feng shui?

I find that my approach to feng shui is probably the same approach I take to all my 'new age' type beliefs. I believe half heartedly in astrology. If I read something that's truly depressing or I don't want to hear about, I block it out. If I am to believe all that stuff I read about palmistry, then this boyfriend who I think the world of and am totally crazy about - isn't going to be my last. In fact, he'll be the first of four major relationships, the last of which I'm supposed to meet around my thirties I'd say. So I'm not supposed to be destined to marry him.

But how can that be? Who says that is my future, when at this current moment, I seriously feel like I could spend my entire life with him? He is mine, as much as I am his. He fills a void in my life, makes me feel loved. Or perhaps is he just compensating for my father? Is this the right way to go about it? But then there's that argument that we all look for traits in our partners that echo our parents. They fill in the parts of ourselves that are lacking. Their job is to fulfill and enrich our lives. And after they have cured our 'disease' of sorts, is when 'true love' comes into play - the decision to stay with this person after he has cured you - that is 'true love.'

I'm going away for a week on holiday. We're going up to the tropics. Sunshine and a little warmer weather than what I've been experiencing lately. One whole week with only him. And then the following week, we're going to move into our new home.

It's getting close to 9, and I still have so much to do.

Maybe I'll get to some kind of solution with the whole feng shui thing. By the end of today I was just about sick of it all, and ready to throw in the towel. I mean, who cares? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But then again - given the ability and chance to enhance my life - I'd be stupid not to, wouldn't I?

Do you believe in feng shui - and all those things that are supposed to enrich our lives?

Housing Butterfly

2005-08-06T15:05:00.000+10:00

The world certainly changes fast. Mine has tipped topsy turvy in less than 3 days. After six months it looks like I'll be moving in with the boyfriend. We discussed it last night, worked out a budget of sorts. And while today wasn't the first time we'd gone house-hunting together, (it was the second) =P we/he/I never imagined to find a place.

I'll be honest in saying I wasn't even prepared to look at the place properly. All I register is being faced with hallway that opend out into a warren of rooms after walking into the front door, freshly painted trimming, a front bedroom with a window seat, a smaller room off to the side, a walk through room, a fake fireplace and a pretty much newly renovated kitchen. The place is big. At least to my standards of two people, one of whom has old tacky furniture, the other who you could arguably say has no furniture at all.

The place just looks so much like a 'family' home. Like a place you'd expect your grandparents to live in and have little kids running around. Or maybe a couple with a child. Not a place for a couple. And certainly not a place for a couple like us.

We saw three places today, and the one we saw last was the one we both agreed on. Fruit trees in the backyard, a verandah full of sunshine in the afternoon (if I remember correctly) and stained glass windows.

OMG. It's actually starting to sink in.

Mum was fairly mellow. Only said to me in a strange tone, "I didn't expect you to come home at all" and I again seem to want to automatically fall back into daughter mode. I tried to be enigmatic and say to her, home is home, and I will always come home, even if I don't live here, or whatever. But I don't think she heard me.

Sitting quietly in the car trying to deal with it all, I suddenly felt like my entire world had turned upside down like one of those tourist balls you can buy. You know, those snow balls, where you tip it over, and then tip it back again so that all the white stuff goes everywhere.

One minute I'm arguing with my mother, next minute I'm making semi-concrete plans to move in with the boyfriend within the next three months, and then suddenly we're on the verge of renting a place.

But my boyfriend did point out that it's not all set in stone. That the landlord might not even like us. That they might not like it that we can't move in straight away, because we need time to get our affairs straight. You know, money, and me getting myself sorted. So who knows, by saying yes, it might well mean that we won't get it. And I'll take that as a sign any day. In fact, I want to place my bets on that. At least that way, I get first hand experience at how to deal with the idea of moving out.

I'm looking around at all the stuff in my room, and the things that I'll want to take with me. Do I want to take furniture? A wardrobe? A bookshelf? A quilt? Blankets? Books? That lamp, my stereo, the notice board, all the desky things. What about my filing cabinet full of uni stuff? My thesis notes, all my uni books, my photos.

What does one take with them when they move out anyway?

The only thing I know for certain is I take my computer, my cd player, and my clothes. They're all givens. Most of my cd collection is at work anyway - the disks themselves, if not the cases.

Moving out with the boyfriend? In a house that looks more like a 'real' house. If we get this place, I'll get the master bedroom as my 'study' with its window seat and walk out to the front verandah. I've always wanted a window seat. I can't remember if there were inbuilt wardrobes or not. Like I said, I wasn't really paying thorough attention. I was too busy noticing that the place seemed a bit big. But it's a real house - which was I wanted. A place with doors. With rooms. No half-assed 'open living plan' that meant every corner you turned you saw the other person.

We saw a place near the CBD that basically had two levels, open, that was essentially hewn out of the rock. He loved it. Thought it was quirky. I was more concerned with the fact that I'd have no privacy. It was either the bedroom or the living area. What about 'me' time? Sure a laptop means you can use it anywhere, but that doesn't mean I *have* to use it everywhere. And you'd get so sick of the place. Round and around and around. You, me, you, me. No place to go, no room to hide.

The second one we saw I liked. Except that the backyard wasn't really a backyard and that wasn't feasible for his dog. And I'll admit, I wasn't too sure about the neighbours. But the place overlooked a park. And the bedroom had a gable roof, with the window and stuff. Which I thought was really nifty.

And then this was, the third. After seeing the first two, I began to appreciate why people loved harbour views. So I wasn't 100% sure if I wanted to live in the inner suburbs. But there we were, and while it might not be 100% perfect, it sure does look like a 'home' home. I can see us curling on a couch in the living room, watching television at night before retiring. While I'd love for the master bedroom to be that - the master bedroom, he's all 'it's too noisy'. And I shouldn't really complain. I get a big room to do my own stuff in - yaay.

But that means that the bedroom becomes the smaller room. Which might be a bit tight. We could fill that place up with so much lovely stuff. "Build our futures together" as he put it. Buy things that were 'ours.'

I'm hoping.

I'm also a superstitious little thing. What if it's bad feng shui? =P ha! Mum used to tell me all these things about it, and having a little insurance invested in something like that isn't necessarily a bad thing if things are going well. But I'd be responsible for making the place good.

Maybe I'll be lucky and the landlord will say no to the negotiations. He's doing it as a private lease, anyway.

It's just that my boyfriend insists that it's a great deal.
"Places like that, at a price like that don't come often, do they?"
"No, they're very rare. I wouldn't be so eager if I didn't think it was perfect."

Moving out of home after 23 years to go straight into a house with a boyfriend I've only gone out with for 6 months. Tell me, is it too fast? I think it is. So much has happened since we started going out. But he insists that it's not fast. He believes it's fate that we found this place so soon. You know, the cliche that things only come when you're not seriously looking for them.

And we weren't really. I kept on repeating to him last night and this morning how scared I was at all this change. And I think that he kinda hoped it'd take a while for us to find a place that we both agreed upon, let alone put together the rent and such.

But here we are. He's going to ring the guy tomorrow. Hopefully we'll get the place, and hopefully not.

I'm going to leave this one up to fate and the stars and such. If this guy let's us negotiate it out, then this is the way it goes. If not, I'm fine with that too.

Deep breath now...

Defeatist Butterfly

2005-08-04T13:22:00.000+10:00

I feel compelled to write if only to acknowledge change in my life. I don’t know what this means. I no longer harbour enough angst or troubles to blog about this passionately. I get a bad feeling that we are on the verge of another argument.

Last night’s arguments had all been made before. I hate mercury retrogrades.

All I wanted to do this morning was run. To leave, to escape, to get out.

It’s obvious that I’ve hurt her by letting her know that I don’t want her to care about me. My boyfriend will never understand my culture, and no matter how hard I try, I don’t believe I will be able to explain it to him properly. On top of which, well, I don’t know.

I’m sitting here at work, my eyes gritty and tired from crying all night and morning. I think I only had about five hours of sleep, if even that. I stared out the window this morning and watched the stations pass by. Granville, Lidcombe, Strathfield, Ashfield, Redfern, barely registering them.

And suddenly I’m at work. I’ve spent the morning clearing my desk of all the papers that have occupied it for the last few weeks. Scrubbed it down with alcohol because the desk cleaner’s disappeared.

I’m just sitting here at work waiting for the day to end.

Y’know, I’ve never been in an argument where I’ve felt completely useless. No matter what I said it was thrown back at me in all the wrong contexts. Every word I ever uttered in sarcasm, anger, hurt or whatnot, all came back at me like they were serious accusations. And suddenly I felt so defeated. So useless. I’d lost my thread of argument. I’m lost. I don’t know where to go anymore.

I don’t think I’m numb, but that’s the only word that comes to mind. No matter how much I sleep, I can’t sleep this one away. I think I will move out. I’m waiting for my cousin to get back to me. I emailed her this morning for advice. If she is in agreeance, then I will move out, for good. My mother hates me. She hates that she loves me. She’s a sick, twisted, bitter woman who’s had her security blanket torn from under her.

She’s about ready to disown me altogether. She threatened to burn the rest of my letters and photos, the cards and all the things I ever made for her to spite me. There’s no getting through to her. She is lost to me. And in a way, I am lost to her.

“[your mother’s] a bad influence on you.”
No, going home is never a good thing for me.

I’ve been accused of as a selfish child, a wilful teenager. An immature adult. What else is left? Where else do I go? I have to step into the mouth of the lion’s den. Not out of choice, but out of no other reprieve. I feel so defeated.

There is no connection between us. I don’t think there ever really was. Not a real one. A tenuous one at best. And most of it was her deceiving herself that I loved her half as much as she loved me. And I hate that this is the case. But the more I think about it, the more I thought about it all those years, the more I realise that it is most likely true. I don’t love her – not really. She’s just always been my mother. No more, no less. And I think in a way I despised her. I’m so tempted to ring my father up and ask him why he left her. If she pushed him away. If there was more to it than the fact that he fell for another woman. If there was a moment in time when he realised he no longer wanted her, and why that came about. Mum has never been high on my list. I’ve only ever found her annoying. Found her a pathetic little creature that clings to others for sustenance. I think I watched her go through their divorce with dispassionate eyes. And while she did fight for certain things, the fact that she clung to us, and put so much responsibility on me, I think I resented it. I wanted my freedom to do as I choose. And suddenly I was thrown into a situation where I was required to act a certain way. I guess in a way I never got the chance to explore and really ask myself what I wanted out of life, and given the opportunity to experiment.

There are still moments when I can’t bear to leave family, but those times are coming far and few in between. It’s getting to the point where there’s nothing at home to offer me. The mother daughter relationship has deteriorated to the point where all we talk about is money. It’s my last remaining connection with her. This is it my friends, this is it.

He will never understand.

Needing Butterfly

2005-08-03T23:18:00.000+10:00

I've forgotten what it's like to live at home. And I'm chickening out by spending the next two nights with him, followed by working on Saturday night. So I won't see family until Sunday.

Not that it matters anyway.

We are three people who just happen to live under one roof. My brother and I still talk to each other, but my mother and I are just like two ships passing in the night.

We can sit in silence for hours on end. Well, not hours. But you get the idea.

I had so much to blog about but now I'm too tired. Have to wake up early tomorrow. One of our managers is getting fired and the CEO is having a staff meeting with us tomorrow to inform us of the structural changes to the company. Yippee!

You know, I can't even tell if I'm trying to escape anymore.

I just need my boyfriend, because sometimes it feels like he's the only one that needs me.

Baulking Butterfly

2005-08-03T16:53:00.000+10:00

I'm tired. I'm unmotivated.

But even more importantly - I don't want to go home.

It's my brother's 18th birthday tonight, and I'm dreading it. I've never been in a situation where I've dreaded going to a family celebration. But suddenly it seems much easier to just stay with the boyfriend.

Mum was in one of her childish moods last night when I went home after spending the weekend with my boyfriend.

When she drives me to work in the morning, there's nothing to say. No talk, no chit chat. I had to find out all the birthday plans from my brother. I just suddenly don't want to go. And if this continues, I may well move out, because it will seem stupid to stay there. But as I watched my mother's back as she walked out of the living room last night I found me reminding myself to wait it out. "It takes time." Or so my cousin once said to me.

I think I finally made the decision on the weekend, that I will in fact, move in with my boyfriend sometime next year.

I don't know if it's the smartest decision I could make. I don't know if I'm truly ready for it. But waking up in a sunlit room with white walls in a bed with white sheets and a warm quilt, I could suddenly picture waking up every morning like that. And it felt nice. I think he was pleasantly surprised at me mentioning wanting to move in with him.

Is it just me being scared and wanting to run away again? Or was it a genuine desire to be with him every morning like that? Because I've never felt that feeling before. Not at his place, at his previous place, or even when we went on a short trip to the vineyards. It was just Sunday morning.

I don't want to go home.

Grouchy Butterfly

2005-08-02T15:58:00.000+10:00

I feel very irritable this afternoon. Not totally with it perhaps. The usual 3’o clock lull where you sit there staring at your screen and think to yourself, “I don’t want to be here. I’m feeling sleepy and unmotivated.”

Work it seems is yet again a chore.

Maybe I’m feeling so because I have to go home tonight.

Let’s fill up the rest of this post with random thoughts:

It’s my brother’s birthday tomorrow.
I did my budget for the last month and I overdrew 500 dollars. Which means I’m broke. We’re going on a tropical holiday in less than 2 weeks and I’ll be broke for the entire trip. Oh what fun. And I’ll probably overdraw this month also.
This weekend was one of the best I’ve spent with him.
I’ve discovered that I get very cogent and coherent after a glass of potent red wine. I can hold complex arguments and my sentences run together like a bubbling brook. Funny that I need alcohol to unhinge my debate skills.
Only me and my boyfriend would talk about stonemason symbols and their origin during a Roots concert. Only we would spend an evening debating about the social impact of 1950s science fiction over a portugese dinner and a bottle of sweet red shiraz.
I still don’t feel any better about myself. I hate it when I give away stupid lines and open myself up to someone. If I had it my way I would always pretend to be blasé. But unfortunately when the object of my blasé attitudes is also the object of my affection, well, the blasé falls to the wayside.

I’m all pent up this afternoon. And while I kind’ve know why, it doesn’t make me feel better by any means or comparison.

Damn.

Light Butterfly

2005-08-01T17:08:00.000+10:00

I read my horoscope on the weekend, and didn’t believe a word of it. It’s funny how I no longer take horoscopes printed in newspapers seriously. But I’ll still religiously check stars.metwawire.com for my daily forecast fix.

Anyhow, according to the paper by the end of the week things on the workfront will look up, and I have a chance to get a new job opportunity or some such. I scoffed and moved on.

Except that this morning my boss – the one responsible for all the pain I suffered last week will be leaving the company this Friday. Imagine my elated joy.

I suddenly feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. Whereas previously it was my boyfriend who was keeping it from suffocating me, this morning, the boulder has officially lifted.

He also informed me that he had let our previous boss know of my predicament and that most likely it had something to do with the dismissal. He argued that it may well have played a part. And when I pointed out that I wasn’t important enough, he said to me:

“you're well liked by a lot of people baby.
I told you that.
It wouldn't have been all of it, but it may have been part of it”

“you’re well liked by a lot of people” - who’da thunk it. After all that pain, somehow or other I managed to make decent enough contacts to matter. He was reassuring me last week that I was a good person, a nice person. It’s funny though, the things he emphasizes. Like the fact that I’m human and have feelings is a good thing.

In one of those sweet caressing tones:
“You’re a tender little thing, aren’t you?”

I think part of the reason why I feel so relieved and whatnot is also because I never realised the friends I made at work. I suddenly feel a lot more empowered.

I think he pointed out that the office politics going on had to do with the fact that perhaps my boss’s motives were frowned upon. i.e. attacking me was just a way of getting to my boyfriend. Had we not been going out I would have been perfectly safe.

Yet no matter my slight bitterness at having to go through what I did, I don’t believe I’ll ever regret going out with him.

Funny how things work out.

I also find it interesting how my mood swings. When I’m down, annoyed, depressed or whatever, all I want is out. Don’t want his love, don’t want his attention, don’t want his affection. I blame him for all my troubles and hate that I feel trapped. But when I’m happy everything’s great, and I’m thrilled to be with him. The words ‘I love you’ seem to continually pour out of my consciousness and I can imagine being with him always. The world becomes a little clearer, and all I feel is safety and warmth. Like an imaginary blanket is being wrapped around me.

We’re house-sitting this week, and staying at their house, in a different environment, with white walls and spacious clean rooms, suddenly I could picture the rest of my life with him. And suddenly I found myself bringing up the topic about moving in with him.

Y’know there are moments when I wonder whether I should blog in the first place. Whether it does me any good at all, or if it’s just a narcisstic experiment. But I also find that I become unfocused unless I write things out. Writing focuses my troubles and provides an outlet for me. A place to air out my troubles, put them in a little box to put away in order to do other things. Blogging it seems, puts my house in order.

Love Butterfly

2005-07-29T21:38:00.000+10:00

In the middle of the city in a secluded little park flooded with afternoon sunshine, that is less like a park, and more like a lopsided rectangle of grass with a tree and a bench, a girl and her boyfriend sit cross-legged in the grass. Her head in his lap, his jeans soak up her tears.

The street is empty.

Her muffled sobs drift through the park and down the alleyways. Softly stroking her hair and back he holds her quietly. Terraces and parked cars are the only witnesses to this little scene.

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of a city filled with people and their many respective problems, a little bubble of love, gossamer thin holds these two beings together.

Sitting in the warm wintry sunshine in an isolated little park it is as if they are the only two people who exist. Two people finding comfort and peace in the other with thoughts only for each other. An oasis.

And it felt so right.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Things haven't been going well lately for me.

Not so much on the family side, more so on the work side. But I don't really want to talk about it.

What's important is that he loves me. And I know that he loves me. I drink in every word he whispers, all the looks he gives me, the caresses and warm hugs, all the sweet nothings that he whispers into my ear, like a dehydrated nomad. Like a jewller appreciating his precious gems in the sunshine as dappled rainbows play hide and seek among the shrubbery.

I grasp on holding each declaration of love, treasuring its taste and texture before gently placing them one by precious one into my memory.

Sitting in that little park in the midst of all my angst and tears, he held me tight and whispered,

"I love you madly darling."

Stranger Butterfly

2005-07-26T17:16:00.000+10:00

Tell me why I feel so guilty going home? Why do I get the distinct feeling that when I go home tonight I won't be able to look my mother in the eye? I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't betrayed her trust in me - at least not since the last time. We both know where each other stand. And if I truly believe what I'm doing is right for me - then why the hell am I so goddamn scared? Why do I get this attack of guilts?

Do you know I haven't spoken to her in 2 1/2 days? If I don't say anything to her tonight it will be 3 days of silence.

I haven't rung her, I haven't spoken to her.

I have nothing to say to her. And she has nothing to say to me.

It's like we're strangers. There seems to be no mother-daughter relationship here. I know I'm supposed to grow up and things are supposed to change - but seriously, this is a bit extreme, isn't it?

Maybe it isn't so much anyone's fault but my own. Maybe it's me that doesn't know how to see other than in black and white. Maybe it's me that can't handle change. Maybe it's me that can't handle the grey.

Muddled Butterfly

2005-07-25T10:24:00.000+10:00

The Mercury retrogade starts this week. Oh what fun.

Today's forecast:

Off you trot. Into the great unknown, armed only with a dodgy compass and a vague set of plans. You don't, you know, have to go on this expedition. Nobody is forcing you. Several people, indeed, are of the opinion that you should stay on safe, familiar ground. Your own inner voice of common sense agrees. But that's not what you are paying most attention to now. Another urge is pulling you. Mercury, as it now moves slowly backwards through the zodiac, is awakening a very important desire to make a new discovery.

Lately I've noticed that I end up telling my boyfriend about the issues I blog up here. In voicing my concerns about moving in together, he reassured me that it wasn't just me who thought that it would be a 'big step,' it was in fact, truly a 'big step.'

So often I've become more aware of my own thoughts and actions. I want to know what 'normal' people do, and go ahead and do the same. I don't like being independent, unique or individual. I want to be 'like everyone else.'

I found myself asking on Friday night in his previous relationships, where they both stood. And he said, by six months, they were essentially spending every night together. And suddenly I felt inferior. Like I couldn't provide the same sort of experience or whatever. While he was also quick to point out that every relationship is different, that by no means made me feel any better about myself.

And I hate myself for it. It seems the more I look at this, the more I'm turning into the person I swore I'd never become. Doing all the things that I not so much despise, but make quiet judgement calls on. And knowing that potentially other people could be wondering and thinking the same things that I would, should I be in their situation.

I'm such a paradox. On one hand I'm saying how much I refuse to follow the code, and on the other, I'm trying to find all the rules of the game so that I can follow them to a T.

The more I ponder on all of this, the more I realise how much I have to learn. I still feel so young. I still feel like I have all these experiences to soak up and take in. While he's gone through it all already and is waiting, albeit patiently, for me to catch up, to be honest, I don't like playing catch up.

I'm spending more nights at his place. Last week and most likely this week I will only spend 3 nights at home. I don't speak to my mother anymore. Most communication comes between my brother. I hate that it is that way, but I can't bring myself to talk to her either.

Slowly but surely I'm getting some space to sort out my feelings and where I want this to go. But to be honest, I have a bad feeling that at the end of the day I might say no to him. After all of this, it might not last. And I hate that. Especially when he tells me 'you're the one for me.'

Funnily enough after Friday's panic attack the minute he let me off the hook all I felt was a welling of disappointment. Females are so unpredictable and horrifyingly changeable. I don't even know how I keep up with myself sometimes.

How do I feel today? Indifferent? Tired? Filled with a sense of inertia? I don't know. I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up - something I haven't done in a long time. My stomach's kind of tender, and my body's a little exhausted.

We went on a driving trip yesterday. All the way up into the mountains for a lunch and view of the scenery. Two hours to get out of the city and see the mountains. And sitting there at the lookout, surrounded by this silence that imbibed awe, we lay our head on each other's shoulders and just took in the view. I could've sat there for hours.

I know I'm supposed to give it time, but the longer I stay in this relationship the deeper I see us sinking in. And this quagmire of emotional insecurity does nothing to help me exercise my restraint.

Is this what I really want? Is this where I see my life going?

I had a dream on the weekend that we bought a house and renovated it, only to find out that because of the feng shui, ghosts inhabited the place. I was told that I should never be in the house alone. That I had to make sure he was always with me.

Except that I found this out when he was away. And suddenly all the ghosts started crowding in.

I told him about my dream, and he broke it down for me. The renovated house was my new life - the one that we're in the process of creating. And the ghosts are all my doubts and fears, all the traditions and family expectations that keep on pulling me down into an abyss of despair and unhappiness. And as I've often said to him, I need him to keep all the demons away.

Seems like I have a lot on my mind. But at least I feel like I have a little leeway to breathe. Not like the week before when all I felt was trapped.

"Will we ever get there?" I ask him.
"We're already there." He says.

Terrifying Butterfly

2005-07-22T16:10:00.000+10:00

So I'm a little freaked. It's the natural progression/state of affairs, but there's still some fluttering in the pit of my stomach. And all of my mother's words start crowding into my head.

Boyfriend sent me all these real estate links to places we could rent. And the first one was a house. Looking at that house sent fear running through me. Sounds bad, doesn't it?

It looked so permanent. So.... 'real.' I know I've been saying I want to move out, and perhaps move in with him, but looking at that house, I suddenly got scared.

The place looked more like a 'real home.' More like something along the lines of a place a newly married couple would live in, than anything half as temporary or whatever. The place looked so... 'suburby'.

Do I really want to walk down this path? Looking at the pictures on that website, I suddenly wondered if this was what I really wanted. To live together, to do all the things that married couples do - but without the knowledge or reassurance that we were in fact married.

And suddenly I really want my mother's approval of this situation. I want her opinion. I want her advice. I want her blessing on this.

I'm scared.

Terrified to be exact.

Is this what I really want?

Facing Butterfly

2005-07-20T10:51:00.000+10:00

We sort've agreed today. And I sort've realised something that's been hampering me a little lately. Yes I've been unhappy. But more importantly I've been scared. I've been trying to run away from my problems.

While my mother has decided to let me have free rein, I suddenly find myself lost in an unknown city. A world where it's just me. And while she has said I can come home anytime I want, she no longer plays advisory.

There's been a bit of friction in our relationship lately and I mentioned that perhaps I wanted a week away from my boyfriend so I would feel less pressured. And while I admitted that maybe I was just running away from my problems, he also pointed out that maybe I was just running away to a place where I knew was safe.

The words struck a chord. I know what he's talking about. It's funny sometimes how you need someone to point out the forest. And it made me think - how long have I been running scared? How long have I been scared that in my independence I was starting out something that is both new and scary? That could potentially fall apart?

And with his reassurance that he was with me on this, I suddenly had in my mind's eye, two people clutching each other in reassurance and safety. Bobbing there in an ocean with only each other for salvation. Two people, clutching each other amidst the hustle and bustle of life, standing in a crowded city, among unknown peoples, amidst the chaos and the slings and arrows of the world. Safe in each other's arms.

I need him as much as he needs me. And I suddenly realised what it means to have someone.

It's time I stopped running. It's time I faced all of this. And as long as he's with me, it's gotta be good right?

"Well in my world, love conquers all baby.
And I love you."

Teetering Butterfly

2005-07-19T10:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes it seems like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. One minute I'm on top of the world, embraced in a relationship that can make me so happy I could cry. Content to the point where the simple act of being in the same vicinity of one person is enough to feel completely at ease. Warm. Comforted. Loved.

When you can think of nothing but wanting to stay this way forever. Where you can see a reassuring path leading to the horizon that resounds with feelings of certainty. And it's like being enveloped in a blanket. You know, like being hugged. And knowing that for those moments while you're cocooned in that reality, everything is safe. warm.

Then there are other times when I feel like I'm in a sink of oblivion. Where all the bad things come at you all at once. Where sadness fills up your senses, like a fog slowly building in the darkness. And you struggle through, looking for the path through an opaque murkiness. When you feel desperate and lost. And you suddenly want out. You don't want to fight, and surrendering feels like your only option.

I woke up this morning, and coming to work I think of all the little things that dot my relationship with my boyfriend. All the frustrations. All the little imperfect things. And me being the at times stubborn person that I am wanted to refuse his advances. To block myself out and live my own life. There have been times when I've toyed with the idea of ending it. Of wanting to just close all this off. To stop feeling. And just care about myself. It would settle homelife down sweetly. And it's not a life I'm not used to. Hell, I've lived it for 22 years.

But I have to grow up sometime, right? Maybe this wasn't the ideal way to grow up, but either way it's just about done. All that remains now is how to decide to live the rest of my life. And it's scary to contemplate. Sometimes I don't want to think about it at all. I just want to block it all out and run away.

It's funny though. No matter how resolute I try to be or become, there are still parts of me that are vulnerable and unprotected. He emails me this morning, and suddenly I am undone. And for a moment tears pricked my eyes. Not out of sadness like the other night, where I crawled into bed beside him thinking that he was asleep and just crying out all my frustrations only to find that he was still upset and I had been discovered. Sometimes I think there is a streak in me that just wants to punish other people. Be it to stop myself from feeling bad, or simply because it's only fair. Or maybe it's just a mean streak I have. But not this morning. I suddenly felt so loved.

And so here I teeter. On the brink. On the edge.

I had planned to write a blog about the inner me today. It's funny how blog topics can sometimes float inside your head, and cry for an outlet. Cry for a voice. But then they all start competing. And you find yourself logging in and just looking blankly at the text box. And then you start writing in the hopes of being able to write down all the things that are crowding around in your head. And then just as you click 'publish post' you realise that there's a whole section that you completely forgot to mention. But it doesn't flow with your writing. Because once you start on one tangent, you suddenly forget about all the other paths. The main reason being you need to find your destination. And all the other options remain that - simply options. Am I even making sense?

Maybe I'll come back later and edit or add or something. Or just write a new post.

I think I'll be alright today.

~ * ~

"How do you do it when I'm overwhelmed by a violet sky?"

Third Eye Blind ~ Good Man

Depressed Butterfly

2005-07-18T10:17:00.000+10:00

We had a discussion. Boyfriend and I. He seems to believe that I'm emotionally depressed. That everything has coalesced into this huge weight on my shoulders. And I have become so tightly wound up over everything that it's affecting me to the point where it becomes quite obvious to him that I'm unhappy.

"I can see that you're sad."

We had a mini argument of sorts.

There are just so many things going wrong right now. Nothing seems stable, and while I acknowledge that change is the only constant in life, I don't need all these big things to come at me at once. I need time and space to deal with these problems. Because they're not minor problems. They're fairly big. But when they all come at once, I can't focus. I don't know where to start or what to do first.

My period hasn't come yet. I've been taking the pill for 2 months now, and while it came last month, it's scheduled to come again - and it hasn't. I don't want to go through another termination again. Since that termination it seems all my health has done is deteriorate. It's bad enough that home and work are working against me. While my boyfriend are in love, the relationship is far from perfect. I don't need my body to work against me either. But these days there doesn't seem to be a single place where I am comfortable or know what's going on. I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.

I'm just so tired.

And while perhaps both of us agree that I may well be depressed, I for one don't know how to go about changing things. Am I really just supposed to learn to start ignoring the pain and punishment that my mother doles out to me on a regular basis?

I went to church yesterday morning, and for once I really felt like a phoney. I'm a non-practicing Catholic in some ways. But I've never felt truly phoney or hypocritical when I step into a church. But sitting there flanked on either side by my mother and my brother, I suddenly felt lost. That it wasn't right for me to be there. It was like a totally different life ruled by different values than the ones I have been introduced to and am living by from my boyfriend.

None of my friends will ever be in the same situation as I am. All of them are still living at home. And are not ashamed of it. Why am I so easily swayed by everything? Someone says something about 'this is how it should be' and I automatically start taking down notes.

...where's the real me?

Mum preaches that I'm doing wrong, and that she's the only one who loves me enough to point it out to me.

My boyfriend insists that the life he is living is the right way to live. And that if I didn't want it, I wouldn't be there in the first place.

My cousin points out that the things I do are in fact 'normal.' And that if I didn't, then I would be the one with problems.

My friends all just go with the flow, and don't contradict me at all. They take the safe path: "if this is what you truly want, go for it."

The only other friend I have who is in a similar situation with me isn't moving out though. Having said that, she's also been one with a stronger sense of self than I.

It seems sometimes that I'm just on this cycle of self-destruction.

My boyfriend also pointed out that I seem to have this strong streak of self-loathing. Do I really hate myself that much? Sometimes I wouldn't be surprised.

He's so much about being the unique, independent individual that will stick to their guns and hold onto their beliefs. But I don't think he realises how much of a flake I am deep down. How much I try to adhere to other people's opinions and beliefs. How much I work to becoming the perfect facade for all to see.

While he points out that I've built him up to be the perfect boyfriend, that is in fact far from the truth. And perhaps I also have a lot of faults that go against me. Unfortunately half the time I don't know what they are, or maybe I just refuse to see them.

Deep down, perhaps I really do hold a deep well of self-loathing.

I don't know. But sometimes I also wonder whether I should in fact keep this blog. Does it wind me up even more? Or is it fulfilling its intention and helping me express all the pent up feeling and emotional instability? Is it part of the key to my destruction? Or an element of my salvation?

I'm just tired. Maybe a healthy dose of Sarah will help.

I just feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all manner of directions. There's the me that wants out. That just wants to block it all and run away. Then there's the me that wants to spend time on my own to puzzle through all the problems that have been affecting me lately. There's the me that wants to smooth things over at home and provide my mother with a little comfort. There's the me that just wants to make things a lot easier.

While I make all these accusations about other people, like my mother refusing to accept reality, and my boyfriend sometimes taking me for granted and simply doing things that will cater to his fancy rather than mine, sometimes I think perhaps I'm the one with all these problems. That I'm just projecting all my faults and errors onto other people. I remember reading once that the reasons people give for breaking up a relationship often reflect the problems that the breakers have with the breakees rather than the other way round. For example, they may argue that their partner never spends time on them, and is cold and uncaring, when in fact it may well be that person has no time to spend with their partner and begins to feel guilty. So that when they do make time and their partner is unavailable, they automatically start to build resentment, and a wall of self-protection begins to build up. It's not my fault, see, they don't have time for me. And the guilt builds and twists, and suddenly you're blaming your partner for all your own faults and trespasses.

I hope that's not what I'm doing with my mother and my boyfriend. But I'm not 100% sure that isn't the case.

Anyhow, I have to leave work at 4 today. Have to get my stitches out. Yaay. Not.

Best get to work and start the day.

Sometimes I wonder how deep my emotional well runs. How much of this really is all self-induced and how much is genuine pain and emotional insecurity.

Do I really love this person? Or am I just trying to find solace in other people?

Dispassionate Butterfly

2005-07-15T12:29:00.000+10:00

Feel unmotivated this morning/afternoon. Last night turned out much better than I expected. I think I'm lacking sleep. Always going to bed late. Always having to wake up early. And then there was this idiot smoking on the train this morning. Rousing me from uneasy sleep in a cold, shadowy train carriage. Sleeping where the sun don't shine.

Am fantasizing about going down to the cafeteria verandah this afternoon and taking a snooze.

Feel very detached from everything.

Body's crying out for rest, methinks. Am going out to dinner and a movie tonight. Going to a photo exhibit tomorrow morning. Am expected to turn up to boyfriend's mum's birthday party on Sunday. Which means chances are I won't be going home on Sunday night either. Have to work tomorrow night. Have stitches out on Monday afternoon. My weekend is full.

And all I feel is tired. Restless. I'm going to assume for once that family is ok. Which supposedly means that I can relax and just enjoy the rest of my life. But I feel so detached. Like none of it is really impacting on me.

*sigh*

It's Friday.

Grey Butterfly

2005-07-14T10:00:00.000+10:00

Stand up and take a bow. You deserve a big round of applause. You are in the process of breaking through a barrier. You are resisting a temptation. You are responding, quite brilliantly, to a tough challenge. It's a shame you are so self critical though. You feel more inclined to kick yourself for dropping a grappling hook, as you climb up the mountain, than to accept praise for arriving at the top in one piece. The Moon and Mercury, though, insist that you are doing well... and that you should soon begin to do even better.

If only words were all we needed to feel better about ourselves. A horoscope to make us feel better about the decisions we make. A few lines, a small paragraph to reassure us in our times of hesitation and uncertainty.

"I think your mother is a bad influence on you."

"I am happy to provide you safety."

"I'm just tired of all the responsibility."
"Then stop it. Most 23 year olds are selfish. This is the time to be selfish. It's when you turn 33 that you begin to start thinking of others." ~ yes, but, see, if I start being selfish, and not think of other people, I'll lose you - don't you see, baby?

"I will never control you. You can do whatever you want. I just want to guide you. I won't control you, even if you wanted me to control you."

"She thinks you're just playing with me."
"And am I? Do you think that I'm playing with you? You know I'm serious. Maybe she'll come round once she sees how serious we are."
"Are we serious?"
"Well, I'm really serious. What about you?"
"...I love you."
"You're not as serious?
"... you've always been three steps ahead of me."

"I guess I'm scared of how serious this all is. I've never been here before."
"I don't think I've ever really been here before either."

"You're so sad these days. I don't like seeing you so sad."

The thing that struck me last night was how alone I really am. I can't share this relationship. I can't talk to my mother about it (for obvious reasons). I have to censor certain parts of my life with my best friends (because I think they will never truly appreciate or understand the decisions I made), and I can't talk to work people about it either (for even more obvious reasons).

Suddenly I again see how small my circle of friends is. If not for this blog, there really would be no outlet for me at all. No place for me to express myself without his knowledge. No place for me to vent. Because you can't expect people to carry your loads for them. Blog aside, all I have is him.

I think I realised a while ago with my first boyfriend, how alone I really was. But with time, we tend to forget or fudge a lot of things.

Last night was the first night that I spent two nights in a row at his place. Even if I hoped to call mum on her bluff about being cold and distant to me from hereon out, by my very actions last night, I've guaranteed that that's what she'll be like. If only because I've antagonised her. It's only natural for her to respond. No need for bluffing when that's what you really feel.

Yet if I am to believe my horoscope, or at the very least apply it to the things that seem to dominate my thinking these days, I did the right thing.

I fought so hard for this "independence." If you can even call it that. I can't turn back now.

We started rambling last night about me moving out. And I commented that I sort've didn't want to - if only to prove her wrong, or for the principle of the thing. To which I was told it was very stupid and silly of me. His suggestion was that we get a place and I could go home with him every night, and stop thinking about all this stuff and be happy.

When you take a step back, it all seems so naieve. Running away by moving in with him won't really solve the problem. His solution seems way too simple. Just because I'd be living with him wouldn't mean that I'd stop thinking about family, or that my problems with home would just fade away. But then again, me staying home won't solve the problem either. There seems to be no solution. Nothing to make it easier.

My brother explained it to me the other day. She's so set in her ways. And I'm so adament on this thing. We just have differing social outlooks - something that is difficult to change over night. And I know I'm right. But whenever I go home, I get immersed in her world - because that is the world I grew up in. Where certain values are cherished above others: filial piety, duty, family. You don't get that in western society. In western society, it's all about the self.

Sometimes it seems like the only way is to be black or white about it. It sounds harsh, and I don't want to get to the stage where I have to cut ties. Family is still important to me. I could never bear to break the bond that ties me to my brother. And in many ways, I couldn't really bear losing my mother - not while she's still living.

It's just that it's so tiring living in the shades of grey.

~*~*~*~

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got to live my life the
way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but
it's right for me...
Sarah Mclachlan ~ Elsewhere

Distant Butterfly

2005-07-13T09:48:00.000+10:00

It's funny how things differ when you're away from home. How the things you see change while you're away. Distance does funny things.

My art teacher once told me the magic ingredient was always distance. It didn't matter how much detail you put into something. Sometimes you could just be rough, and distance would sort out the rest.

After a night away, I feel a little more stable. I'm tempted to not go home tonight, either. Spend one more night...

"I hate seeing you like this. I've seen how happy and relaxed you are after you spend a few days with me."

Written in an email, but no less poignant:

"You've got all of me baby, and you always will…you'll never be alone as long as I'm above ground"

*sigh*

I haven't slept well in two nights. And if I stay over tonight, I'm going to have to bring up discussion about what to do about my laundry.

=S

I'm tempted. But I haven't decided yet.

Nothing is going to change anything. And if that's the case, why spend the rest of time in misery? May as well make the most of it eh?

Decisions, decisions.

I'll think about it later.

Stitching Butterfly

2005-07-12T09:24:00.000+10:00

You are not quite sure who you are any more. You can't fully relate to the person you used to be. Nor can you relate to all the people who once meant a great deal to you. One particular relationship is now suffering. Where there used to be depth, things seem shallow. Where there used to be understanding, there is conflict. Be honest, be fair and be patient - with yourself as well as with the important people in your life. If you choose to, you can now build a stronger and more meaningful bond.

I don't think that can happen. She doesn't want me anymore because I was the one who said I didn't.

And my stitches have started to hurt again.

Directionless Butterfly

2005-07-11T16:05:00.000+10:00

I'm unhappy. Had a 'discussion' with mum this morning.

All I feel right now is hopelessness and loss. I feel like a potentially happy and bright future with my family has been torn away.

At the same time I wonder how much of what she says is truth.

And while in some ways I hate that my boyfriend brought all of this to a head (because I have to blame someone) I can't wish him away either.

I need to know what I want - and to be honest, I don't even know that.

I want a scenario where my mother happily helps me pick an apartment, and gleefully helps me furnish the place. I want a scenario where I get to go out and live my life with my mother's blessing.

But because of my own impetuous actions that life is now beyond my reach. From hereon out she will stop. She will stop putting her nose into my life. She will stop involving herself in my life. And all I feel is hurt and loss. I think loss is the overall winner.

But see, in order to follow through with that life of hers I have to wait 3 years. My boyfriend won't wait 3 years. And even if he will today, I can't get back the mother I want.

All the while through that exchange, I heard my boyfriend's voice quietly telling me, 'there's always change, baby'. Yes I know that things change, and I can't expect things to remain constant, but it still hurts.

And I'm so totally responsible. And that so totally hurts.

She tells me that she never expected me to stay at home. I never got that vibe from her at all. All I ever heard from her was wanting to live with us 'for the rest of our lives.' That's all I ever heard. But according to her - that's not the case. And well, if that's not the case, then what *is* the case?

I feel so hurt. So lost.

I suddenly feel like I've lost my compass. I feel like I have no sense of direction anymore. Whereas previously it was all about getting away, suddenly knowing that she would've let me go, changes everything.

But then again, had I done it right, it would probably still be wrong.

I just don't know anymore.

Moving out no longer seems to be the priority it used to be.

I'm going over to stay at the boyfriend's tomorrow. I'm hoping that that will give me a bit of perspective.

After all the fighting, all the pain, I can't, I refuse to give him up. But see, if I don't - the path I'm taking leads to certain death - marriage.

I don't want to be tied down to a person like that.

I just don't know anymore. All I want to do is curl up into a little ball in a corner and cry. And all I hear resounding in my head is, 'if you had done it the right way, I'd be helping you pick apartments right now; daughter you should check this one out, two bedroom apartments are better than one...'

All I feel are tears.

..what do I do now?

Limited Butterfly

2005-07-10T16:52:00.000+10:00

Had my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday morning. Went in for a consultation, came out wisdom toothless. Have been in toothachey-pain for the last 24 hours.

Have had arguments with mum all day. I started blogging it all out here but computer crashed. Now I'm just too 'over it' to bother rehashing - again.

Not so much feeling miserable, just don't really know what to do or feel anymore. Kind've numb in a way. I know I won't be changing anything. I won't. She seems to think that I'm only doing all these things because they are what my boyfriend wants. She doesn't realise these are things that I've always wanted to do - move out, be independent.

She gives me scenarios of how I could've done better by her. How my secretive actions have broken her heart and how unfair it all is to her. And how it's all my fault. That I deserve everything that she doles out and that I'm required to suffer. To feel the pain.

Yet my counsellor once said to me that I'm only responsible for myself. That I can't be responsible for everyone else. That my only responsibility in life is to make myself happy. And there mum goes that my happiness has been at the cost of others. That in order to gain my happiness, I have had to make all those around me suffer.

She blames me for my brother's marks. It's my fault that he's coming last.

If she had it her way she would hit me and pummel me so hard.

The more she talks, the more set in my ways I become. I will move out.

She tells me that I'm being childish. That I'm immature. That I'm rash. I guess. I don't know.

She says that if what I was doing was right, she'd have my blessing. But fact of the matter is everything I'm doing is wrong. And she can't accept that. She threatens so much.

All I want to do is run. Can you really blame me? I want to go away. I don't want to face any of this. And she refuses to accept that I won't give her money. It's not that I won't, it's just that I'll need more, when I move out. And she won't accept me giving her less.

How can I do this? I'll need to pay rent, bills, food and furniture.

I really don't want to move in with my boyfriend. I really want to be independent.

In her world, I've done everything wrong.

In my world, in the world of most, what I'm doing is perfectly natural. Why can't I do this? I really do not believe I'll regret my actions. If anything I just wish I had treated her better before I left all this in this horrendous mess. But to be honest, if I ask myself deep down, I think that what she says is true - I've never really appreciated or loved her.

My boyfriend refuses to wait 2-3 years for me to sort this out. All he sees is now. He knows now, that he loves me. He has no guarantees that this will be the same in 2-3 years. Just like I have no guarantees that I will still be interested in him 2-3 years down the track. And it's true, what he says about how there really is 'something' between us.

Something that's tangible. A tangible love. Something that you could almost hold in your hand and cherish. Mum believes that it's just me looking for a replacement for my dad. That may hold some elements of truth in it, but to be honest, aren't a lot of relationships like that? Where people find compensation in others. The true test in those relationships is that after those problems/issues are solved, it's a matter of whether you can stick it out with that person - whether there is more to that relationship than just psychological and emotional compensation. And you won't know that without time.

Meanwhile, all she says to me is, the deeper you go, the worse it'll get. You're going to regret this.

Regret? All I feel is security, warmth and comfort when he hugs me.

Yes, I may not be 100% happy, because family is not accepting, because I can't share or talk to anyone about this relationship - not work, and not all of my friends. I can't tell them all the things I've gone through.

I just feel like I'm in such a big quandry.

I'm not ready to do something major like getting married. Spending a few nights per week with him is enough for me these days. I don't want to get into something like marriage. To me, that means we'll be committed forever. What if I get sick of him?

I guess happiness has its limits...

Exhausted Butterfly

2005-07-08T14:29:00.000+10:00

I'm so tired. You know when you feel that headache in your frontal lobe? A sign of mental exhaustion? Well I've got it.

All my reports are just about done. We're trying to set up a conference call with the client this afternoon to make sure he knows EXACTLY what he's getting this time around and won't chuck another hissy fit and ask for dumb revisions.

Spent the night at the boyfriend's last night. The first time in a week. It was funny walking through the park with him last night, a smile just blossomed on my face when I thought about the fact that I didn't have to share him. That he was all mine for the evening. All. Mine.

Just came back from lunch with him and some IT friends.

I'm too exhausted to be here.

Shackled Butterfly

2005-07-05T13:08:00.000+10:00

For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own
I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance to the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again
So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time

'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding onto splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive
I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

Though you know you care

And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear
And time will burn your eyes to tears

Vertical Horizon - Shackled

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I've always loved this song. For certain phrases. For the way it's sung. For the music. But I was listening to it today while doing my funky, nerd-of-the-art graphs for my latest report and suddenly had the urge to check up songmeanings.com to see what the song meant. Coz I never bothered to really listen to the lyrics. It was all a bit of a hodge-podge. One of those songs that you find both catchy and haunting at the same time.

And as I'm reading people's interpretations on songmeanings.com, I suddenly realise that perhaps this song has more relevancy to my life than I had at first believed or thought possible.

It's actually funny how songs become relevant and irrelevant as different situations come into your life. And how you can love certain songs without ever relating to them. And then suddenly when they do, the song takes on a different lease of life, and you sit there and bask in this glow of irony. I was already there. We had met, but never truly needed to know each other. It's like serendipity. fortuitous. coincidental. ironic. and all those other vague words that we constantly use wrongly.

It always seems that I'm drawn to songs that have tragic lyrics. Songs that contains words like misery, or express feelings of regret, futility, tragedy, bitterness or anger. I was watching a dvd the other day - De-Lovely, a film starring Kevin Kline about Cole Porter, a song writer in the 30s. And the song that caught my ear was Begin the Beguine which talked of love, and followed the adage, 'to never go back once love is lost.' The line that pulled me in and ate me whole was:

And now when I hear people curse
The chance that was wasted,
I know but too well what they mean;
So don’t let them begin the beguine
Let the love that was once a fire remain an ember;
Let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
When they begin the beguine.

But I'm digressing.

I'm actually taking time out today to blog, when I should be frantically finishing up this damn report in time for tomorrow's cob deadline. But anyway...

Lots of things have been crowding into my thoughts lately, to the point where they all ended up spilling out. But because I haven't had time to try and sort them out or put them into any coherent sense of order, all these thoughts have slowly but surely trickled out onto my boyfriend.

I went to bed last night wondering if this is what 'healthy' really is. If telling someone about all your hopes and fears (forgive the cliche) is what it's all about. If writing it all out, or in this day and age, blogging it all out, is only the second best remedy. If the best type of therapy for anyone, is to tell someone.

We had a conversation the other night where he jokingly commented because of our genders and the age difference, he'll be long gone before me. And that scared me. To the point where I sort've realised maybe all his talk about 'you only get one shot at life' wasn't just that - all talk. If in fact, there was some truth in his talk.

And suddenly when two months ago I couldn't comprehend the logic behind his explanation how back in April after he took me and my cousin driving around the country side, spending essentially full days in my company led him to want to continuously spend time with me to the point where 1-2 evenings a week was unacceptable, suddenly, I see it.

I spent the weekend at his house this weekend. Celebrating his dad's birthday, attending family functions (if you can call a brotherly footy session in front of the television a family event) and pretty much spending a weekend with him. And when I went home that evening, it was like I was emerging from an entirely different reality.

See, his dad is a retired politician. The attendees at his dad's birthday were not only successful, famous people, but also often, influential during their heyday. And there I was rubbing shoulders with all of them. Me, just a girl from inner suburbia. What do I know? How on earth did I get here?

But more importantly, upon coming back to work yesterday morning, I suddenly realised how much of the 'life he has to offer me' is appealing to me. How spending time with him is no longer a luxury, it's a necessity. Sometimes, just sitting there on the couch with him flicking through bad cable tv. Watching a dvd. Lounging around reading the newspaper on a Saturday morning. Sitting together on the couch eating a gourmet meal he concoted in the kitchen. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up halfway through the night to find his arms wrapped around me.

I can't give that up.

Yet knowing that it won't always be the case scares me. And somewhere this past weekend I ended up voicing those fears. To which he laughed and said, 'you'll have me for 50 years or so. it's so cute to have you worrying about things that won't happen for 50 years.'

Whereas, all I see isn't 'eternal happiness' or 'happy ever after' all I see, is some happiness, then blackness. What will I do when he's no longer around? When I don't have him to turn to? When I can't lay all my troubles at his door?

"The most important thing is looking after each other. The cost of things is irrelevant."
"And do I? Look after you?"
"Yes."

Less than 5 metres away, in front of a different computer terminal, comes an email:
"I miss you during the day."

The longer that time goes by the more I worry. The more I begin to realise I've started relying on him. The more I wonder if I really do love him. The more I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing.

And then there's the whole mother saga. Where the song I posted up seems so relevant to my life right now. Where sometimes I do feel trapped or shackled to all her wants and desires, to the point where I have no place to call my own. And how even though now she's given me my freedoms, she still doesn't seem to have let go entirely. And how I have to deal with that.

I was sitting at work yesterday morning and thought, 'what if mum started showing she cared? Would I/could I accept it? Or would I feel trapped again? And if that's the case, haven't I essentially won? Don't I have what I want now? Freedom? Without being expected to explain my case. Without having to constantly tell her things. And while I still do some things, and while she no longer responds either way, at the very least I'm doing things. And there are moments when I really do feel independent and adult. Like two Sundays ago, going out to dinner with friends. It wasn't planned. It just happened. And I didn't have to ask for anyone's permission. We just went. And it was nice.

And suddenly, I sound so lame =P

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm trying to sort my life out. And on the way, I keep on encountering all these emotional roadblocks. Some beyond my control, and some not so beyond my control. Some self-induced, some important, and some that I can bypass.

Today's forecast says essentialy for me to be flexible. But what does that really mean? Mum's away tonight for a teaching conference. This is the first time she's ever been away. Like, away on her own for a night. I don't really know how to fathom it. Sometimes it's like she's acting so childish. Desperate acts made by a desperate woman trying to keep hold of her daughter. But to be honest, it's not like I'm not her daughter. I always will be. I just need to be an adult as well.

I don't know if choosing the path I have chosen is in fact the right one for me. Often I think that only walking down this path will tell me the answer. But at the same time, sometimes I just want the other half of my life to start. I spent most of my childhood wishing it away, wanting to be an adult, to have time to myself, to live out on my own. And these days I'm wishing away my youth, the supposed 'best years of your life' to simply get away from certain realities in my life.

I don't really want time to burn her eyes into tears. But it doesn't matter. It seems she's doing it herself these days.

Don't really know how to describe my mood at the moment. Suffice it to say that I'm still a bit lost and confused. Maybe that will never go away. And my search for stability, clarity and certainty is as unattainable as the search for the holy grail.

Changeling Butterfly

2005-07-02T13:52:00.000+10:00

They say, 'A change is as good as a rest.' What, though, if what you really want is a rest from change? Recent changes have left you feeling anything but relaxed. Forthcoming challenges look similarly set to put you on edge. You are understandably apprehensive about a situation that seems to be spiralling out of control. You would far prefer a return to the comfort and familiarity of some old arrangement. You can't go back, but nor need you fear the future. Though change is not occurring in quite the way you would like it to, it is the right kind of change. And, despite your concern, it will yet bring you the right kind of a result.

What on earth happened to that forecast about being a 'state of grace' for the next fortnight? More change? *sigh*

More to blog later. But am doing overtime at work and i'm sick and don't really want to be here.

Will try to come back and write later.

Uplifting Butterfly

2005-06-30T10:07:00.000+10:00

The next two weeks are due to be very special. Unusual heavenly alignments effectively put you in a permanent state of grace. You won't suddenly find that every move you make has a perfect result - or that you become immune to irritation and aggravation. You will, though, be able to see how even the 'bad things' in your life have something valuable and constructive to offer you. You will see a way to break an old, entrenched habit and to start out on a delightful new adventure. Rare heavenly alignments make amazing changes possible in July.

What an inspiring prediction. I just finished answering a question in one of my comments, and this forecast seems to kinda be a case in point. This is why I read astrology. For forecasts like that. You gotta admit, when presented with such favourable astrological forecasts, it does nothing, if not make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.

Unusual heavenly alignments effectively put you in a permanent state of grace.

If only I could be in a permanent state of grace every day, and not just for the two weeks they're predicting.

Things seem to be strangely up at home, although I would never have believed it. Mum seems to be accepting my nights away fairly reasonably. She's talking to me again in more normal dulcet tones. Not that she was every truly dulcet to begin with, but anyway, that's an entirely different story altogether. Who knows what brought the changearound, but hey I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

There's been a few things on my mind lately, that I probably shouldn't write up right now. I mean, I've got a work deadline by next Wednesday and I'm so not up to scratch. It's probably not wise to get all depressed and whiney about things. Maybe I should go and collect more 'data' before I make my final hypothesis.

Chances are I'll be working this Saturday. Still haven't decided if I want to go clubbing on Saturday night. Boyfriend wants me to go with him to his brother's house while he watches the footy. Which would be fine - except that I would have to make polite conversation with his brother's family for about 4-5 hours. Which would be fine, if we knew each other well - but we don't.

Anyhow, I should quit procrastinating and go back to work. Yesterday was a foul day. You'd think clients would bother reading the report after you finish writing them. But Nooo.... they ring you up with mundane questions like, 'you've done this wrong.' Umm, buddy? You're reading the wrong database you fool. For the quantitative report, refer to the QUANTITATIVE DATABASE. it's all labelled... Grrrr...

Yeh, see that graph that says VOLUME by favourability? That means the numbers are VOLUME, and NOT percentages. VOLUME and PERCENTAGES aren't supposed to match. THEY'RE DIFFERENT. *mutters* discrepancies in the narrative - ha! whatever..

*mutters* stupid idiotic dumb clients.

Anyway....

Back to work.

Sicky Butterfly

2005-06-29T09:14:00.000+10:00

What do you know? What do you need to know? If you know what it is you need to know, you are more than halfway towards knowing it. If you don't, how can you ever be sure you are asking the right questions? The current quadruple conjunction of Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the sun, implies the ability to acquire essential information. But once you get it, you will find everything changes dramatically and laughably for the better. That won't happen, though, if you persuade yourself you already know all the answers.

Don't you just love word twisters? Lots to blog about. Will probably do it later this afternoon. I feel like I'm coming down with the flu - again. My nose is starting to get all stuffed up and I'm coughing intermittantly. So much for hoping my immune system was superior to my boyfriend's.

Got lots of work to keep me occupied. Not entirely thrilled about that, but hey, what can you do?

And what's even more shocking, is that it's the end of June already.

29th June - wtf.

Where did all the time go?

Fine Butterfly

2005-06-27T10:20:00.000+10:00

Rarely has the sky looked quite like this. Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the Sun are forming a close conjunction. Look up, just after the sun sets and you'll see the three other planets slipping slowly down in the west behind it. Your ruler, Mercury, is most auspiciously positioned. Venus is imbuing it (and thus you) with charm and magnetism. Saturn, meanwhile, is providing support and strength. The Sun is bringing confidence. No matter what you face, how hard it seems, or how worried you may feel, you'll be fine.

If I'm to believe my horoscope this week, things seem to be definately looking up. For a few moments this morning I thought I was totally being paranoid last night. Friend drove me home, and I spent the entire hour talking about the problems I was experiencing at home. Course, other than the fact that we're close friends, the fact that I was drunk on red wine, might well have helped me loose my tongue.

Either way, things didn't seem as extreme as I had thought them to be on the weekend. Except, when I bit the bullet and told mum I wasn't coming home for dinner tonight because I was going to trivia, I noticed an edge of hysteria in her voice as she said 'ok.'

To which I wonder, how much of everything is a facade? I know she loves me. This much is true. But sometimes I get the impression that she just can't handle the choices I've made in my life. And I think she also feels discarded. Like I no longer want her to be a part of my life. Which probably holds some kernals of truth. But at the end of the day, I'm still the same person I was before I started going out with my boyfriend. Family is still important to me.

It's just that after these five months, all I feel is tired. I no longer want to try and please everyone. I just want to be happy. I want to feel the freedom that comes with making your own decisions without having to worry about how they will impact on others, or more specifically, whether my mother will approve of the decisions I make. That is all.

Sometimes I wonder if it's bad that I'm not making more of an effort. But to be frank, all I really want to do is honestly just run away. Run away from these problems and just go about my life. Had another honest talk with my boyfriend last night about moving out, etc. There is an opportunity there for me, if I choose to take it. But at the same time, I don't want to be too bound to him yet. Which means I have to bite the bullet and just stay at home for a little while longer. I also need to fix up my finances. I need to take more of an interest in all of this. Sort out my life. Make sure I have enough money to keep me going. Stop spending so much.

I think no matter how much I angst about all of this, at the end of the day I know deep down that things will sort them out. I think I've already found my path. I'm just going through the motions. Taking each day as it comes. But to be honest, I think I really already know what's going to happen. There are things that I'm hoping will happen, and there are things that I wonder if they will in fact come to pass.

Until then all I can do is sit here and type away, complaining about my sorry state of affairs, and wish for greener pastures. But deep down, I know that it's all just for show. I know the score. No matter the fun I have in planning for things that may or may not come to pass, I know where everything sits.

Yes, I'll be fine. Just let me sit here and vent every once in a while.

Anticipating Butterfly

2005-06-26T23:22:00.000+10:00

Truly spectacular sights can now be seen in the sky shortly after sunset. Look out, this week, for Mercury, Venus and Saturn all in close conjunction. Their alignment is auspicious for almost everyone, but it is particularly encouraging for you. Here comes your chance to put something right that has been wrong for a very long time. Here comes strength, stability, prosperity, comfort, reassurance, resolution, inspiration and satisfaction. A bold promise? Perhaps. But then this is a most unusual week. When you look back on it, you will see it as the time when the whole of your life began to change for the better.

Let's hope so. I really hope that this is true. Just came home from a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend. Went to see the musical, The Producers. Had lunch at a fancy restaurant near the harbour. Had dinner with him and some friends of mine.

Am seriously considering going out to a night club on Saturday night.

Things may well be looking up. Am too tired to stay and chat. Will update more tomorrow.

Running Butterfly

2005-06-25T12:24:00.000+10:00

I know I'm not supposed to run. That I should stand and fight. That I should clear the air and make everything right. Because everything is in my power to change. But I can't do it.

If anything, all I feel is confused. A little leaf drifting in a sea of confusion.

She's shredding all my emails. A year's worth of emails that I wrote to her when I was overseas. Her rationale? "There's no point trying to hold onto things that can't be held onto." Or something like that.

And it hurt to watch her do it. To shred all the things that I wrote to her five years ago. It felt like she's trying to shred me. To take me out of her life. It hurt. It's like she was erasing me from her life.

And again, all I wanted to do was leave. Sure, it may be the right thing for her to do. But she did it with such coldness. No crying. No emotion. Just coldness. Perhaps she's upset, but did she really have to do that in front of me? Did I have to see it? All it seemed to do was reemphasize to me that I needed to go. I don't want to be there and see how I'm affecting her. All I wanted to do was live my own life. Was it that hard to do? Was it that difficult?

She once told me that no matter what she loved me. She will always love me. And while I try and remember that, every time I think about how she was shredding all that correspondance..

The fact that she'd kept those letters for five years... And suddenly there she was shredding. She told me she'd been doing it for three days. And the pile just didn't seem to be going down any.

It just hurts....

Was I supposed to stop her? To take the papers away from her? To keep them to myself? What was the point? She obviously wanted to do it. And if that's the case, then why should I stop her?

Motivating Butterfly

2005-06-24T10:57:00.000+10:00

In case no one ever told you - work my friend, is overrated.

I'm feeling extremely tired these days. Can't work. I come in and probably do about 2 hours worth of decent paid work max. The rest is spent lounging around, surfing the net, etc etc.

Even I don't know how I'm whiling away the hours.

I'm just so sleepy.

So the decision about the holidays is to go skiing later in the year. All that seems to happen between us is planning and unplanning holidays. *rueful smile*

Least we have this weekend. Am going to a photo exhibition tomorrow. World Press Photos. They have a showing every year, and every year the photos are amazing. Breathtaking. Moving. They all say so much about the world around us. It's probably the only event that I've attended religiously every year since I heard about it.

I'm so sleepy. So unmotivated to do work. So not willing to do what's required of me so that I can afford to live.

*yawns*

Waiting Butterfly

2005-06-23T09:31:00.000+10:00

Your situation IS improving. The trouble is, you yearn to encounter some wish-granting genie, fairy or leprechaun. You don't feel at all inclined to wait for a slow, natural process to unfold. This is mainly because you do not feel confident. You suspect that things could be getting worse rather than better. In the absence of some magical, instant cure, you had better develop more faith in your own instincts. These ARE good. You may not have a map, but you do, intuitively, know which direction you want to head in. And you are absolutely right.

Alrighty then. Here goes..

Had a chat with him last night about how difficult things are at home sometimes. It was nice to be honest about things. And even though he was sick and probably a bit muddle-headed (i.e. not awake enough to give me proper advice), it still felt good to talk to him about it.

"There is no right or wrong." he tells me.

I don't know.

"Things will get better. They won't be the same. Things change. But it also doesn't mean that things will always be like this."

I trust his judgment. I honestly do. I wonder sometimes if it's wrong of me to place so much trust in a person. If I've gone and done the unthinkable, and put him on a pedstal. And how wrong that would be.

But it's so easy to place trust in someone you love. And he honestly hasn't really disappointed me. For every moment that I don't feel right about something, given time he bounces back and proves me wrong.

"Tell me if I ever don't treat you right."

Yeh, but how?

Not that he doesn't treat me right. If anything, one of the only thorns in my side (and let's be honest here, this is a fairly small one) is money.

I don't like talking about money. When he tells me that he'll pay me back and forgets. It's not intentional, I know. But I can't help it. I don't want to appear petty or anything. But I can't really afford to constantly give out 50s.

But I don't feel right bringing money up all the time. Especially when he spends hundreds of dollars on me. Our fancy dinners don't come cheap. 20 dollars an entree, 30 dollars a main. 15 dollars a desser, 20 dollars a bottle of wine. Around 200 dollars for two. Lunch yesterday was 35 for food alone. And then there's the concerts, operas, and trips away...

So who am I to really complain about the fifty dollar duty free alcohol, or the fifty dollar contribution to a 300 dollar television, or even fifty dollars for a 99 dollar hotel room in the Hunter that he originally offered to pay the full room for? It seems pretty reasonable to ask me to contribute right?

So in regards to my horoscope for the day, I guess all I really need to do is be patient huh? Patience is as patience does. But I guess they're right. And I think deep down I already knew this. That things don't change all at once. They take time. But at the very least, right now, I know that I am happy. Happy, lucky, and very much loved.

And perhaps, that's all I really need.

..perhaps.

I guess part of the question is also, what path is it that I want to take? Where does my head want to lead? Where am I going, and why? What is it I want?

Things are starting to settle between us, and sometimes I wonder if that's a good or bad thing. When I start to worry that things will get boring. I'm not really the type to problem solve. I'm not the type to put my thoughts out on the table and hope that he will change. I don't like giving people second chances like that.

So how is this going? Sometimes I wish and want us to go back to the first two, three months when we were just starting to get to know each other. Last night he said to me, if he had been in my position when he'd told me that he loved me, his reaction would've been the same as mine. Probably even more freaked out. Think about it. A guy declares his undying love to you two/three weeks after going out with you. Actually, probably closer to two.

Us sleeping together was fast enough. Within the first week. And a week after that, he turns around in the car just before I get out:

"one more thing, I love you."

I mean, how do you expect a girl to respond to that? More importantly, what do you expect me to say? Especially when you were under the impression that we were just trying it all out. That we were testing the waters. That both of us were just doing this for the 'what the hey, why not' factor.

And suddenly, he fell in love. To be honest, I think he fell in love the first night we were together. When afterwards he stared up at the ceiling and muttered half to himself, and half aloud in wonderment, "I never thought I'd ever feel this way."

You seemed to be so overwhelemed by your feelings for me.

And in that instant I had my suspicions. Whereas, I, I held back a little. Tried to remain cautious. And as always tried my best to keep an open mind. And then that Valentines Day, you looking across from me telling me that you didn't feel yourself to be worthy of me. You, a grown man. Not worthy of immature, insecure, crazy little me? What has the world come to? I was so touched to hear those words from you.

By the time we had our first real argument over my family situation and the direction my life was taking, suddenly we were arguing marriage.

"Are you saying that if I asked you to marry me sometime in the next two years you'd say no?"

That line took my breath away. It shook me so badly, I had trouble breathing. And there I was thinking 'natural progression' in a relationship meant the step between sleeping with someone, and spending time with someone. What the hell did I know? And this was all pretty much a month later.

Things have been nothing if not turbulent for us. This is the quietest or most mellowest it's been for us so far. Five months in.

And last night: "Call me crazy, but I think we can do another five months."

Or something like that.

I think we can too. When I mention the rate our relationship progressed you sometimes ask me if I feel a little bored. And each and everytime I say no. But sometimes I'll be honest. Lately, I sometimes wonder if this is it. If now that we've reached this plateau, if we're just going to stay here. And if it will in fact get boring.

Life has a funny way of throwing you curve balls. The last one brought you into my life. I don't want to be responsible for leaving you. But I don't really know how I would take it if you turned around one day and told me that it was all over.

You once told me when we first started going out with each other, how, you knew how much you cared for someone, when you knew how much you got scared of losing them.

Sometimes I wonder if my love for you is genuine. If it is 'love' in it's purest form, or if it's a love that stems from someone offering me something to fill in a gap in my emotional life. You make me feel complete. You fill this empty spot in my heart. You keep the fire stoked and create this sense of warmth. I feel nothing if not wanted and reassured. You fill this part of me that needed filling. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel like a complete person. I stop feeling loathsome. I stop feeling like I'm desperately scrabbling for a foothold. You give me a firm and stable base upon which to start from. You make things look a lot easier. You bring a light into my life.

And then I wonder if I am just taking advantage of you.

Your birthday's coming up, and I have no idea what to get you. I don't even know where to begin. And again I feel like I'm playing the Game. The one where you try your best to endear yourself to the other. Where you seek to find what it is that makes them tick, that pushes their buttons, that unhinges them and makes them yours. And then I feel sick and manipulative. But it doesn't mean that I can stop. Because I can't stop.

Isn't it loving a person means you never have to think twice? That you can just go out there and do crazy stuff because you love them? Money, time, all manner of material things mean nothing in the face of love, and picking presents and making a person happy is supposed to come easily. But it doesn't seem like that sometimes. And when that's the case, I wonder if I really have done the right thing..?

Tangental Butterfly

2005-06-21T21:25:00.000+10:00

So like, I want to talk.

Family's not getting any better, but I'm starting to accept that.

Just got off the phone with the boyfriend. Feel very talkative. Feel very connected to him. He told me some sweet truths today. The most current of which is - he doesn't want to live with his soon-to-be-divorcee-friend either.

"You are the only one I would be willing to live in the city for."

It reassured me in a strange way. That perhaps we do see eye to eye on most things. Of course I may simply be grasping for straws.

I've been harbouring some self-doubts about the relationship though. Last night I lay in bed wondering what I was doing there. Asking myself if I had in fact done the right thing, and wondering why I was lying in this man's bed, when an hour away, were two people who are related to me by blood, lying in their beds. Without me.

I have no answers.

If anything, all I have to go on, are the words and lines he says to me.

"You are my girl."

And last night in response to my shock that my mother wasn't home last night to wait for my phone call telling her I'd be staying at his house for the evening, he prodded me and said,

"See? She doesn't need you to survive. She can live without you, and have her own life. I'm the only one that can't live without you."
. . .
"I'm the only one who can't live without you."

This, from a 34 year old man. Sometimes I wonder if I make too much about the age. I guess I've always had it in my head, or at the very least, I've had it in my head for a while now, that age matters. In my culture, heirarchy is a big thing. Not that I seem to care much about culture these days. All I seem to do is flout it. Or perhaps, just flout my mother's belief in our culture.

The boyfriend also made an interesting observation last night. That I am an open book. Easy to understand, for those who know how to read the signs. I think my best friend said something along those lines once. That if you know me well, you can tell what I'm thinking and how I feel. And when I asked him last night if it was a good or bad thing, he reassured me that it was a good thing. That it was a good way to live.

Ironically this also means that I would suck at my current dream job - to be a diplomat. I discovered rather disappointingly the other evening that my hopes of moving to the capital and making a name for myself by being a diplomat/ambassador just weren't possible. Sure I can lie. I can white lie myself out of practically any situation. But put the pressure and expectation of a country and its interests behind me, and I'll cave. Time and time again. My boyfriend watched amused as I came to this realisation. And he pointed out to me that I'm too honest to be a politican. Or in this case, a diplomat.

Looks like it's back to the drawing board, career wise. That or I could seriously consider becoming a media consultant. I seriously don't know what I would do if I couldn't write for a living. My friends also work for finance firms. And one of them explained their job duties to me the other day. If I had her job, I would scream, batten down the hatches and never come out. All she does is watch the stockmarket and email people. How utterly and completely boring.

At least I get to read and create.

Which brings me to another career path. I had hoped perhaps given sufficient time, that perhaps I could try my hand at being an academic. And I know, I know, despite all the pain I suffered doing my thesis (see archives September through to November) perhaps I could consider a PhD. And it seems that my boyfriend believes that I am a free spirit. A creative being who is too spritely, too energetic, too full of life to be tied down to the jetty of acadaemia.

I always find it interesting, no, actually I take that back. I find it fascinating, the things he sees in me. The things within me that have made him fall in love with me. He told a work colleague of ours (who no longer works with us anymore) that one of the things he loves best about me, is my ability and willingness to try. To experience everything that comes into my life. That I was full of life, and not afraid. Well, I guess he's got a point, and that perspective is true. Hell, he wouldn't be my boyfriend if I hadn't been willing to give him a shot based on the premise, 'why the hell not?' =P

But having said that, it seems that my photoblog alone was part of the reason he became so interested in me. Which I find kind've strange. Sure I have creative bones in my body. But I'm also aware that I have limits. That there are many people out there way more talented and much more focused than I. Perhaps the only two true things about the two blogs I keep is that they are true to me.

On one hand, this written blog allows me to put down all my inner thoughts and demons and assists in trying to sort out issues and put things into perspective, or at the very least become an outlet for all my inner angst, thereby allowing that emotional part of me to thrive (the very side that I often seek to suppress), the photoblog is up for my own inner pride. I take photos not to please people, I take them because I like the photos I take. And the site is simply a place for me to show them to people. I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I maintain these two blogs for me, and me alone. And I'll be honest when I say that I'm kinda proud of that fact. The support I've received from both are no doubt encouraging as well.

But getting back to the point, or at least one of the tangents that I've been perusing tonight, is that I find it amusing, well, interesting really, that one of the things that my boyfriend pointed out to me months and months ago when I first asked him what peaked his interest in me, was my photoblog. He fell in love with my photos. Something in them must've spoken to him. And said something about me.

To be honest, I don't really know what my photos say about me. I just know what I like.

And perhaps I'm writing tonight simply to give myself an ego boost. Why? I don't know. Maybe dinner with the family tonight was a little harsh on my soul. Maybe I just want to feel good about myself, because I've been bogged down so badly lately by all the emotional baggage. Most of it self-induced, yes, but still.

I'm kinda all over the shop tonight. But I guess you kinda figured that out on your own.

Hey, like I said, I wanted to talk.

Changing Butterfly

2005-06-21T12:06:00.000+10:00

Didn't sleep well last night. Still feelin' a little woozy.

Stuff happened last night. I think it says a lot about things. The problems people experience sometimes, I find, feel, or whatever, relate directly to their age, etc.

One of my boyfriend's best friend is contemplating ending an 8 year marriage. So our trivia night wasn't entirely a two person event. He came by for a little while. Joined us for the second half.

How to explain?

I had mixed feelings about it all. On one hand, I shouldn't judge. He's not my friend to begin with. And since he's my boyfriend's close friend, I definately shouldn't judge.

But I sat there watching him last night. And while the situation is sad, I can't sympathise. If anything, the only feeling I had was this sense that he was a waste of space. Not someone I would spend time with. And chances are that he will move in with my boyfriend in a few weeks. I'm not happy about that. Obviously it's not really a major, major hurdle, and it's something that I could most likely learn to adjust, deal and live with, but I still don't like it.

He was fairly drunk by the time he met the two of us last night, so supposedly I shouldn't take any of the things he said to me to heart. But one line does stick in my mind.

"I'll probably see more of you than you'll like."

There's two readings to that sentence. Especially if I spend nights over there. Or maybe I'm just being sensitive and reading too much into it. To be honest, I don't know how comfortable I am with that arrangement. I guess I always assumed that my boyfriend would stick with something he said to me once - that he would never live with anyone again, and that he quite liked being 'king of the castle.'

Can you imagine? Spending time at your boyfriend's, knowing that his friend lives there also. Not being able to treat his place like my own. Having to share. Having to live with not one, but essentially two people. To be honest, it seems awkward to me.

But, what can I say or do? The guy's divorcing his wife. He needs a place to say. How can my boyfriend say no? How can I be selfish? Is it really my place to say?

I tried to articulate it last night, and it all came out rather clumsily. Because, me being me, tries to be oh so polite and pc and whatnot.

At best, I came out to say that I wasn't ready to share him. And he came back with he didn't really want to share me, and that it wouldn't be for a while yet. The time frame he had given me earlier in the evening was at least 6 weeks. To be honest, that's not much.

I honestly don't really know how to deal with that. Not really comfortable with it, but there's nothing that I can really say about it. Without seemingly appearing petty or whatever. Especially after I said it wasn't my decision to make, and he came back with, yes, but I still value your opinion.

I know that. But it won't change anything. I guess I just want to be the good supportive girlfriend.

He said to me tongue in cheek on the train trip home last night how, "yeh, you're such a naysayer."

Are my actions wrong? Do I in fact have it all turned around? Is this the wrong approach to be taking to all of this?

A little lost, a little panicky, a little wary, a little uncomfortable with how things are changing - yet again.

Change. Things are always changing.

Exhausted Butterfly

2005-06-20T17:05:00.000+10:00

Just completed a report. One of those killer reports that sap up all your life force and leave you wasted. Looking at the work schedule, it only took 18 days. Felt more like a month though, if you ask me.

There were days where I'd sit in front of my computer and just not want to be there. Where I'd sit down and then get back up. Where I couldn't stand to sit there. Couldn't stand to read, couldn't stand to write.

Well, it's all done now.

Over.

Finito.

Kaput.

Completed half an hour before deadline, and it feels good. Sure, I took it home to work on during the weekend (read, overtime).Sure, I haven't taken my lunch hour for the last five days (read, overtime). Sure, I took it home on various nights to get articles translated (read, overtime). So what if I don't get paid extra (read, overtime)? and I've got a throbbing headache? Big deal.

Least it's all over. Come tomorrow, I'm back on one of my regular quarterly reports - yaay.

*sigh*

Feeling a bit wacky. Feelin' a bit woozy. My lunch today consisted of one packet of tomato and basil pretzels, and a cappuccino from this morning - with 4 sugars. I'm a wuss, what can I say?

=P

On the relationship front - going out to trivia night. Just the two of us =)

We're not going on the tropical holiday he promised. He's got legit and fair reasons. Been feeling a bit down and depressed about it though to be honest. But I'll give him credit. This the first time he's gone back on something he's promised, and this is the end of Month 4. Come Wednesday, we'll have been going out for five months. In comparison (even though I know I shouldn't compare relationships) my ex used to disappoint me on a constant basis to the point where the bitter taste of disappointment was a constant on my emotional palate.

Either way, it's petty of me to get upset. On the other hand, I need to figure out what's going to happen this weekend, since I took my waitressing night off. I'd like to go out and do something, rather than spend it in. But I'm sure we'll discuss it and sort it all out in time.

I realised something about mum yesterday though. Something that perhaps I haven't gotten around to mentioning here. I think the thing that struck me on the weekend was how even though mum and I are no longer battling wills and whatnot, we still don't really understand each other. Her idea of showing me that she cares is to comment on my life. In retrospect it all seems reasonable. But every time she opens her mouth all I hear is chastisement.

I was driving on Saturday afternoon, and mum came out with, 'whenever you make decisions, always be aware of the consequences. When you were young, I would always take consequences into account. But you're a woman now. You have to make your own decisions. And you have to be considerate of others, otherwise you will suffer the consequences.'

I took it as, 'what are you trying to say?' I mean, in my mind, all I heard was, 'you made your decision. Now go lie in it. I am not happy with your decision, and you're going to suffer the consequences. You still have time to change your mind. But it's all your fault.' Or something like that.

When I started getting defensive, she in turn got defensive and started muttering something about how I didn't even want to hear what she had to say, and how she wasn't even allowed to say her two cents worth.

Looking back on it later, I realised perhaps she was just trying to give me motherly advice.

But see, I took it the wrong way. I read it as a judgement call on my current actions. Despite the fact that she tells me she never judges - especially not her own daughter.

I guess I'm just very sensitive to her moods. And no matter that I choose the life I live right now, when she constantly reminds me to watch the consequences, I still find myself censoring my own actions. I wish I had the courage, I wish I had the gall to just bite the bullet and break ties. Burn a few bridges and go my own way. But somehow, I can't do it. I find myself still tied in some strange way to her apron strings.

And sometimes when I note how alone I really am, I realise that my boyfriend is my only lifeboat. Without him, I am nothing. Without him to justify my actions, without him to justify my existence, I am nothing.

Pretty pathetic, huh?

Who would've thunk it?

He said the sweetest thing to me the other night though. Perhaps so cliched, but to me, still special.

"You are my better half."

Me? 23 year old, insecure, immature, me? You're the 34 year old man, who knows what he wants and won't stop until he gets it. Who puts down the ultimatums and conditions. Who tells me as it is, and won't take no for an answer. How can I be your better half? When you have so much more life experience under your belt? When I know nothing and barely know myself? When I continually make a mockery of my family, and seemingly continuous faux pas at work, at home, in my social life?

I played soccer with my work mates last week (don't ask) and as the game progressed, I found myself experiencing something that made me realise something. I honestly do not like being in situations where I have no confidence or skill. I don't like feeling or knowing that I am inferior. I would prefer to stop, than to continue and prove my inability.

I suck at soccer. In fact, I suck at most sports. This wouldn't necessarily stop me from practising until I improved my skills. If anything, my bad game skills means I would intentionally go out to improve them. What I'm trying to get at though, is that halfway through that game, I didn't want to play anymore. I didn't want them to see how bad I was. I felt like I was on show (when perhaps I probably wasn't) and I didn't want to look so bad.

And in the same vein, I think that thinking pervades most aspects of my life. I don't like being in situations where I feel young. Where I feel inexperienced. I will do anything I can, I am willing to learn, to practice, do whatever it takes, in order to do better. But at the same time, I also do not like showing my weaknesses.

At the very least I feel good about myself, knowing that given the opportunity I am always willing to improve. To learn. To change.

I am so tired and exhausted...

Concerning Butterfly

2005-06-19T17:43:00.000+10:00

Had an email exchange with him today. Sent him a quote that I came across while surfing the net that reminded me of all his troubles at work, and emphasised one of the keys to his outlook on life:

"That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong."

~William J. H. Boetcker

His reponse?

"You and me both my love...its one of the most important lessons in life."

And suddenly I saw the quote in a different light. Seemingly it echoes all the worries that were concerning me yesterday. It seems quite ironic that I didn't even seen that until he pointed it out to me. And yet again, I'm back on the Rock of Contemplation, sitting like Rodin's thinker, wondering if perhaps my decisions were in fact correct, if my actions are 'right.'

Who am I doing this all for, anyway? Him? or Me?

My mother tells me that what I'm doing is wrong. She sits and watches helplessly as I 'hit my head against the wall' as she eloquently puts it.

Meanwhile, he gives me the example, 'have you ever had a conversation with someone, where no matter your respect and love for that person, their opinion is just wrong? Plain and simple, wrong?'

And so there I float. Drifting aimlessly, a cork bobbing in that proverbial sea of uncertainty.

What is right and wrong anyway? Does it just boil down to how we feel about certain situations? As long as we feel no harm in our actions, as long as we are happy with our decisions, doesn't that make it 'right'?

Or no?

Is that just denial? Confusion? Uncertainty?

What if I'm so confused, to the point where I don't even know what's right or wrong? What is right or wrong, other than a simple unwritten law governed and handed down by society? What if everything we believe is in wrong? What if there is no moral code? What if it's all just some joke a person decided on making? A myth of 'rightness' and 'wrongness'?

Does that even make sense?